A
female
age
41-50,
*ertterer
writes:Recently and old "friend" has contacted me through facebook. We have not seen each other in 21 years. And we had sexual relations at the time. I feel that everything happens for a reason. And I think that we are developing some feelings for one another again. He wants to see me. I want to see him. The only problem is A) I am not the same size 5 I was then and B)I am married. However, I feel that my marriage is pretty much all but gone. My husband has never really been in my sons life, he works all of he time and only wants to spend time together when it benefits him. He sleeps on the couch almost every night. And makes excuses about why. We constantly fight (all of this had been going on for quite a few years). This guy that I am talking to is really nice, he is a single dad and works really hard for is boys. Should I go and meet him. Please help! I want to see him again really bad.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 No.
He is not your friend, he is your former lover.
He is not the solution to your marriage, nor to any other missing piece of your life.
Take the energy you are putting into him, and put that energy into fixing your marriage. If your marriage ends, it must end for its own reasons, and have nothing to you with this other guy.
The rules of monogamy #2 state you never do anything to even potentially threaten your monogamy. Meeting up with a former lover is such a potential threat.
Work on your marriage until it gets better, or it ends. Those are your options for long term happiness.
-Frank Kermit
author, Making Monogamy Work
http://www.franktalks.com
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 It is not wrong to connect back with an old friend.You can catch up with each other. Go with an open mind.
Just be careful of those booby traps in the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Dear lady
My advice to is to stay away from fire. It will burn you bad and kill you. It is healthy for couples to fight and it is sign of love and attachment and expectations.
I do not think the old one will be any different.
You need to spice up your life little bit and you will get it back.
Also it is normal that after long living togethor, it becomes casual.
But let me ask you a question?
Imagine tomorrow you had an accident and get paralysis, who will be the one who will take responsibility for you? or who will care more?
i am sure answer is your DH. not your ex.
Take it as blunt truth, if tomorrow you die, your ex will not even care or cry about it. Your DH will cry ( Though he will never say it )
So forget your cheating thoughts. you will not get any thing in life by doing it.
Sleeping separate is normal among many couples so do not worry much.
My feeling is that you are having ex factor and that is why you are coming here and justifying to your selevs what you are doing.
Reason for couple fights is not always the other than the person asking question here. so i do not value is much. I am sure your DH will have different view point on the same.
also imagine how would you feel if tomorrow your DH comes to you and say that he has found a girl and wants to 'D' you.
thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): If you are the age you state, you're trying to rekindle something that you felt when you were anywhere between 9 and 14 years old, which doesn't say much, considering you're comparing his working hard for his boys to your own husband working hard for his boy, feeling one's wrong and the other's right. It sounds like you're trying to justify leaving your husband, when you don't know how much this other guy might lay around on the couch when his kids are wanting his attention inside his own home. If you want to really find something that will prove this other guy is truely worth leaving your husband for, go ahead, but do as the others in here have said and at least break it off properly with your husband you don't appreciate anymore before you move onto what you think is the perfect guy for you.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (21 March 2010):
I agree, you need to fix your marriage first or get a divorce. If you start seeing this guy behind your husband's back, it only looks bad on you. I know you don't feel like you're getting what you need in your marriage, but there's obviously a lack of communication on your part, your husband's part, or both. If that has all failed in the past and you don't even want to be married to him anymore, then end it. But don't get involved with this other guy until you're single again because it's going to cause more drama then you even want.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 This is all to easy for me to say, and I'm aware it's too difficult for you to do, but...
If your marriage is bad, either fix it or end it.
Then you can meet another guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): You are in your early 30s and you had sexual relations with this guy 21 years ago?
I hope there's a mis-typed number in here somewhere.
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 You have to do what is and what feels right for you, I shouldn't worry about or let the way you've changed over the years make a difference, he's obviously wanting to see you for who you are not expecting you to have not changed in those years.
Personally I would speak to and try to see where my marriage was going first before putting yourself into a situation, at least if you know whats going on with your marriage you know where you stand when meeting this bloke to save getting yourself any more confused.
Otherwise I wouldn't do anything with this bloke while your marriage is still active even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Quizic +, writes (21 March 2010):
Well from what you said it sounds like you've already made up your mind. If you're having problems with your husband then talk to him about them, see if he feels the same way you do. If so then maybe it's time you split. But going to meet a guy without him knowing while you're still married knowing you have feelings for him could turn out badly. If you and your husband are not on good terms, tell him that you've found someone else. If nothing else you'll at least know you were honest. And who knows, maybe your husband doesn't want to lose you? Won't know until you try.
And even if you're not the same size you were, it shouldn't matter. It's not something you can change easily. If the guy likes you, he likes you.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (21 March 2010):
 At first, my reaction was "no, you're married and you guys had a sexual past and you may be developing feelings and things may get confusing." But later when reading about how you think your marriage is not well at all, perhaps just meeting the guy in a public place wouldn't hurt, like for coffee. In your marriage, have you tried talking with your husband? Perhaps things do happen for a reason, but tread carefully here. If your husband ever found out you just met this guy for something simple as coffee, it may get messy. Men (and women!) get very jealous.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): your intent in seeing him is because of your feelings toward him, which is more than friendly. I say no until you have ending all terms with your husband. Would you want your husband to do the same behind your back?
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