A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,First and foremost, thanks for taking the time to read this. To preface my story, i havent dated many women. I am 31 years old and have been with a handful of women. This is the first girl that I've dated seriously in 7+ years.We've been together for 7 months now and things have been rocky from the start but the chemistry and balance is superb. I learned a lot about myself during the relationship as did she.Now the issues...First off, we argue constantly and she wants me to change the way that I approach her. Granted, i can be pretty abrasive and damaging sometimes but it would be simple things I say and she would come back with 'you could have said it this way' or 'you dont know how to talk to people'. To me, shes overly sensitive and I feel like a fool for always wanting to get back with her and fight for her. Second thing, she stonewalls anytime she gets upset, and I get over things very quickly and want to resolve it or move on. I call her and she would ignore/block my calls and block me on messenger when I try to reach out and mend things. I understand she needs time to cool down. Should I learn to implement more patience?Lastly, its almost impossible to get her to commit to plans. Granted she works a 24/7 oncall pager, it doesnt give her the right to turn down my pleas to have her go somewhere fun. She never has a good reason for this. I know shes not messing around because we just end up talking on the phone or she just comes over. What should I do with this relationship? I am slowly but surely getting more and more fed up with these repeat issues.Sincerely,Human
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEntitled is probably the best way to put it. I learn very quickly and adjust very well. I always admit my fault and I thank you all for clearing some things up for me. I wrote this during a time of unsureness for both of us. I say entitled is a good word for it because I was never accepting of her and see the things that she does to me. I've finally accepted my behavior and I am finally allowing myself to give in to her and give her the love that she deserves. I've started taking things day by day and making sure that I do anything in my power to be a supportive and assuring boyfriend to make her happy. Moving forward my goal will to keep things light hearted so that I can enjoy the happy girl that I've known and grown to adore. Thank you. This may all come back to my inexperience and lack of knowledge on this subject. A part of why I feel entitled is because I easily make 2.5x her salary but that doesnt and shouldnt mean shit because I care about her regardless of it.Only time will tell, but I hope that I will be able to adjust and not lose this one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): From what you write she isn't 'stonewalling' is she? She IS trying to help by letting you know that how you approach her and talk to her are upsetting, so she tries to give you examples of how to communicate better. Blocking you shows she's had enough, but she obviously changes her mind for some reason.
This is not a healthy dynamic for either of you and it doesn't sound as if it's going to make either of you happy.
I can't help but hear that you have an entitled attitude in your approach to her though. I have been with someone who had this same attitude and I left him repeatedly, only to be won around again, because I really WANTED it to work. Nothing changed though and we split for good in the end. Much better than banging your head against a brick wall.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (5 October 2016):
 Thanks or the follow up. I don't see a future for you two because you desire interaction, regular dates, and don't like being told off every day. While you self report that you are abrasive, say the wrong things, and lack patience. Her methods of dealing with that are not more healthy. Shutting down communication and trying to give you abandonment fear are also abusive,
This is the kicker though. She refuses to make a commitment to you. Many people are on call and find ways to have relationships. Her coworkers are among those people. If she wanted to make it work she would. She doesn't want to make it work. You could improve your patience, you could learn to talk nicer, and you should. But, it won't get you what you need in the end.
If you want to keep working on it you will only lose time. If it is worth it to you go ahead. But, don't be disillusioned that she will start making the changes you need to be happy. it's a very long shot.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2016): I am naturally similar and I would class it at times as my biggest weakness. The thing is though I have many strengths yet my relationships in the past ended, in part, because of a weakness. I got tired however of being remembered because of a weakness rather than a strength. I started trying to reprogram myself so my first thought was "no-one is ever totally right or wrong". That caused me to approach disagreements differently. Instead of being abrasive I would try and understand why the issue was there and why they thought the way that they did (knowing that they were not completely wrong and had valid reasons ). Once you know that you can address the problems where they exist. It has taken 4 years for me to get the hang of it but god it has helped. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): I'm sorry....did you say that you can be 'pretty abrasive and damaging'??? What on earth does that mean?And she works 24/7 on call 'but that doesn't give her the RIGHT'??!!Who are you to tell her what she has a right to do and what she doesn't??You sound very entitled to me and possibly abusive.I'd start with your attitude to your girlfriend (and probably women as a whole) if I were you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. Is it even possible for things to get better in these situations? Thats really what keeps us holding on. However, as time goes, each of keeps getting more frustrated
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 October 2016):
Dear Human,
You have learned almost all of what you can learn from her.
Both from her advice / coaching, and from her poor example. It is clear to us that you two are incompatible. When you find someone more compatible it will be clear to you as well. It is indeed time for you to move on.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): If you like this girl hang on in there.Its fantastic that she lets you know when you have spoken in a damaging way and moreover you get rapid feedback on how it would be less abrasive.No one else will tell you that!They will just mutter under their breath something like "arrogant tosser!"This girl keeps you grounded and sticks around. Much more to like than dislike I would say but is she tiring of you?There are men out there who are not abrasive and unpleasant so if you are a slow learner who needs years of repeat lessons she may well decide to move on , in which case its a good idea to move on yourself to finding someone who does want to be spoken to in an abrasive manner for the rest of their life!Good luck with the thought process regarding this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): If you like this girl hang on in there.Its fantastic that she lets you know when you have spoken in a damaging way and moreover you get rapid feedback on how it would be less abrasive.No one else will tell you that!They will just mutter under their breath something like "arrogant tosser!"This girl keeps you grounded and sticks around. Much more to like than dislike I would say but is she tiring of you?There are men out there who are not abrasive and unpleasant so if you are a slow learner who needs years of repeat lessons she may well decide to move on, in which case its a good idea to move on yourself to finding someone who does want to be spoken to in an abrasive manner for the rest of their life!Good luck with the thought process regarding this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 October 2016):
 "i am slowly getting more and more fed up"
"what should I do"
I think you should consider ending it.
you argue constantly according to your words
she's not reliable
she wants you to change (not a good thing... if she can't love you where you are and accept you where you are then she's not the girl for you)
she blanks you when she's mad (a sign of immaturity or inability to cope)
you guys are not a good fit...
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