A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of the past 8 months recently broke up with me because she "doesn't want her decisions to impact anyone but herself." While this is the reason she offered me as to why she no longer wants to be in a relationship the truth of matter is (which she has admitted to me) that she feels torn between me and her best friend from high school. She was never in a committed relationship with her friend from high school but at some point they were more than friends and were sexually intimate. From the very beginning I've been very uncomfortable of her relationship with this guy because I've always felt it is inappropriate and disrespectful to maintain a relationship with someone who has romantic interests in you while you are in a committed relationship with someone else. Her response has always been that even though he has feelings for her she views the relationship as strictly platonic. However it's obvious that my girlfriend has been in a emotional affair for quite sometime and has just been in denial of that. Two days after she broke up with me I happened to stumble upon an AIM conversation she had with her friend from high school in which she tells him how much she misses him, how much she can't wait to see him in a few weeks and have sex with him, and she even tells him that she loves him. I was completely devastated after reading their conversation, I've done nothing but love and support my girlfriend these past few months, anytime she's ever needed me financially, emotionally, or physically I've been there for her and I feel like if she truly appreciated me, everything I've done for her, and everything we've shared together she would not have said the things she said to him in that conversation. I know I'm in love with her or else I would have completely cut her out of my life after reading that conversation, but I feel like she's made a mistake and its something I'm willing to put behind us if she realizes where she's gone wrong. What really complicates everything is the fact that we live together. I feel like that the only way she'll ever realize the role I play in her life and that she made a mistake by choosing to leave me is if we're completely apart which is why I've thought about asking her to move out but at the same time I feel like she would use the fact that I asked her to move out as a reason not to try and work things out with me in the long run. Should I give up on her and ask her to move out or let her stay and try and work things out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Excuse me? You and she broke up, she's dating another guy, you found AIM conversations that pointed toward her emotional infidelity and she still lives with you?? And now because you "love her", you are allowing her to live in the same place with you, while you wait for her to change her mind. She does not care for you in the way you love her and she doesn't deserve what you want to give to her.
Get her the hell out of there and start living your life...without her. This is the only way you can heal, recover and move on, dear.. I am worried that you are smack dab in the middle of a major 'denial' process and all that will happen if this carries on...is you will continually be hurt, hurt and more hurt. Your denial is what makes it possible for you to function with her in the house, without giving you any adequate emotional nourishment. Get your self-pride back and get her out...today. Start to look after yourself and your emotional health because she ain't going to be doing that for you, is she? And after you get her out...you will hurt like hell. So go ahead, acknowledge that you're hurt. Face it--- it's natural, it's expected, it's healthy, it's okay to hurt. Pain is nature's way of telling us that something in us needs to be healed, so let's get on with the healing. And in a few months time of absolutely no contact with her, the clouds will lift and you will feel whole again. Allow yourself to get through this. You need to be real strong and look after yourself, hun. Take care...hugs
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): "but I feel like she's made a mistake and its something I'm willing to put behind us if she realizes where she's gone wrong"
Woah. What an incredibly egomaniacal statement. Who are you to say she's "gone wrong"? Dumping you might just be the smartest move she's ever made - for /her/ - or it might not be, but that's for her to judge, not you. Ego trips like the one you currently seem to be on are a great way to help ensure she hold the former viewpoint, instead of the latter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): its simple, sit down with her and tell her everything that u wrote in that column and see if she feels for u to read this:
"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners & change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak & hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us". Narrator in The Wonder Years (1988)
maybe u found her but she hasnt found u?
let her date this guy because when u love someone very much, u learn that u have to make sacrfices for them. and that u cant force anyone to fall in love w/ u. after dating him, she will realize that u r the guy for her. but in the time being, treat her with extreme gentlness, pamper her, and show her that no one else in the world can make her feel this good, also ok, i have the perfect plan.
ever night until she leaves, make out with her and make beautiful love, and i dont mean, just fuck her up and get it over with. be slow and beautiful, lust, make her want you so badly.
i hope this helped u out, write out what happens, i'll keep checking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Vow, you are mr nice guy! Please start being nice to yourself!
Go look in the mirror and tell yourself 20 times how much you love yourself! You don't need this girl and her abuse!
Wake-up, don't make excuses for her or even consider working things out with her....do you want to be her doormat for the rest of your life?
If I had to be in your shoes, I will pack her bags for her....and say here you are honey, enjoy, have fun...but in a nice way ...with a big "grin"!
You might not want to pack her things....but then ask her do to it, while you get out and have a drink or coffee or something with a friend, ask her to be gone when you get back! Please, be prepared, she might start crying and saying she is sorry.....cut her loose....let her move out!
She is using you! Be honest with yourself, will you ever be able to trust her again?
What is a relationship without trust?
How can there be a future for the two of you after this?
You have to pay attention to your selfrespect and not on how to work out things with this girl!
Start loving yourself......There is lots of good girls out there....get out; go find the right one who will love and respect you, who will value you and your love!
Best of luck, sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind!
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