A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I have a serious question. Me and my ex broke up four months after her dad died. She told me she had severe depression and she didn't ever wanna go back to that so she decided to go get help. She also told me that she's an alcoholic. She told me that we needed to take a break, "not permanently just until she gets better and works things out unless I found someone else in the process." I took this to mean that we may get back together in the future especially since she told me how much she loved me and afterwards we continued to have sex periodically until a few weeks ago when I noticed that she started to give me excuses frequently for why she couldn't hang out. After confronting her about it she said us having sex made it harder for her. I respected that and promised her we wouldn't anymore. However, she still continues to decline my invitations to hang out with her. Yet, she continually goes out with her friends drinking and stuff which isn't exactly conducive to making her depression better. I still love her a lot and her friends tell me that she said if she saw me with someone else she'd be really jealous. So my question is should I give up on her completely and move on or should I continue to try and be there for her?
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male
reader, Solidus +, writes (26 September 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question Lately I've been trying to forget about her, but its hard she's the oldest and closest person to me in this new city. Only lived here a year. the majority of which was with her. sometimes I feel like I dont even know how to have fun without her. I miss my friend. :(
A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (20 September 2010):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice ,SeeingStars. Yeah you're right. I can't put my life on hold for her and I can't continue reaching out to her if she's going to slap my hand away albeit in a nice way, she's still refusing me. I think I'm going to move on, even though I still care about her deeply.
Thanks again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): This must be a difficult situation for you. I am sorry to hear that this girl is going through such a hard time, and is using alcohol as a way to cope. Only she can get help for this, and for the way she is feeling. I think she knows this, yet she is making things worse by continuing to drink. I think she may not yet be ready to deal with her problems and to seek help.
From the way she is keeping a distance from you, and the things she has said, I think she is staying away from you because she finds it too painful to be around you. She clearly feels unable to be in a relationship at the moment, yet that doesn't mean her feelings for you will have just disappeared. It can be very painful if you care about someone but cannot be with them, for whatever reason. So I think this is why she is choosing to avoid you. It is too painful for her to have you in her life, and feel unable to be with you.
This must also be very painful for you too. I can imagine you must want to help her, but like I said, only she can seek help, and she doesn't sound ready to take that step yet. So you are sort of stuck. To be honest, I don't think there is much you can do here. If she is pulling away more and more, there is little you can do. I would suggest trying to carry on with your life. You could still speak to her and stay a friend if you'd like to, but at the same time, don't put your life on hold waiting. Carry on with your life too.
If it is too painful to remain a friend to her, again, move on. You have tried as much as you can, but there is a limit to how much we can do for a person. She needs to meet you halfway, and that is not happening. I think this is a very sad situation, and I am sorry for what you are both going through. But she needs to seek the help she needs when she is ready. In the meantime, your life needs to continue too.
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