A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Okay on the surface, my situation seems pretty cut and dry. I'm sure most people would tell me to move on and find someone available and worthy of my affections. But to me it seems more of a questin of unconditional love.I meet "Jess" 9 momths ago before I relocated to central Florida. Before, because I placed an ad on Craigslist about 2 weeks prior to getting into town. Anyway, I found out that Jess was in an emotionally abusive marriage and wanted to get a divorce. We emailed quite a bit in the two week before actually meeting.I also found out that Jess suffers from depression and anxiety and bouts of suicidal thoughts. In fact she was seriously considering suicide just before I got to town. She has 3 older daughters in their early to mid 20's. Long story short - from the moment we met, I was deeply in love with her. We are talking deep, emotional love. The kind of love where I want to lay down my life for her and protect her and save her.She filed for divorce and started living with me before too long and professed her love to me as well. Since then she has gone back to her husband 4 times only to return to me within a month or so.We are currently on a break. She has a court date coming up next week for the divorce and I'm not sure what she is going to do. They have been going to counseling but has also seen me a couple times during this breakup at the park. We shared some passionate kissing and spoke of our love and possible future. She claims that she wishes God would take her to heaven and implies that she would be settling if she stayed with "Tom". But that it's the right thing to do and is easier on her family if she stays. She says that the whole family wants her to work things out with Tom and she should do what makes the most people happy. She said that she's done it before and can do it again. The last time I spoke to her she indicated that it would be better if she just died.I'm willing to help her and her daughters/grandchild and treat them as my own. I'm willing to marry her if she got a divorce. I love her with everything that I am and am concerned that if I give up that she will end up dead or extremely depressed.When I met her at the park over the last few weeks and she seems much happier when she has a chance to see me. But that happiness quickly evaporates when she gets sucked back into her family drama.I could more easily let her go if I knew she was happier and safe. It's killing me not to be there for her.Should I give up on her and let her go back to her life? I'm genuinely worried about her. Help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (5 March 2012):
It sounds like your relationship is a Co-Dependent relationship. If you're not familiar with that term, you should google it, there are entire books written on the subject of this kind of relationship. You will see patterns in your relationship - and in yourself - that are common in co-dependent relationships, why it's so destructive if left unchecked and unchanged, and what the future likely holds for you if you continue this relationship while nothing changes.
also it may help to read up on the effects of abusive marriages on the victims so you can understand better what her life is like, and why it's not easy or even feasible for you to be a knight in shining armor and 'save' her no matter how much you may want to. This is not to discourage you from trying to help her if that's what you want to do, but it would help to go into this relationship with your eyes wide open.
Abusive marriages really mess up the victim psychologically and emotionally, making them emotionally dependent in a twisted way on their abusive spouse. it's often that they can get a case of "stockholm syndrome" and be unwilling to leave their spouse.
therefore I think that first thing is you should get educated and informed about the kind of relationship problems you're facing now - co-dependecy (both you and her) and what she's experiencing as the victim of an abusive marriage.
Some food for thought:
1. You can't be responsible for another adult's life choices. if she's suicidal, get her to a professional counselor but that's the extent of control you have over her life-or-death choices. it's not in your power to make her undergo treatment for her suicidal tendencies, she has to want to get help and stick with it.
2. Get her to a domestic violence counselor or helpline. People find it very difficult to leave abusive marriages, they need help, professional help, on how to plan for it and carry out the plan. But again, she has to want to do it and stick with it, all you can do is give her information and emotional support but in the end she has to take action.
3. Often with abusive marriages, the victim keeps leaving and then returning to the marriage, several times, before they finally leave for good. This is common. For them, leaving is a process, not an event. Each time she leaves him, she may be getting one step closer to staying away for good. However, many victims do not ever leave their abusive marriages in the end. You have no way to predict how many times she will leave and return to him. It may be forever, she may actually never leave him for good. Therefore, while her leave-return behavior is common, at some point you have to start making decisions for your own life and not be waiting around indefinitely for her as she stays stuck in ambivalence. Only you can decide when you've had enough.
4. the question of 'unconditional love' - as most people view it - is usually NOT healthy when applied to intimate relationships and marriages. This is how people get battered and destroyed emotionally, when they insist on loving an intimate partner (and forsaking all others) while getting nothing in return except more pain and hurt. Unconditional love is 'easier' to practice when it's a different kind of relationship like with another family member or friend, because those relationships are not as close to you personally as an intimate partner nor are they exclusive thus trapping you in that relationship. If you're going to practice unconditional love with a dysfunctional partner, you need a LOT of strong boundaries in your relationship to protect yourself. that means, not letting yourself get too close to where you get destroyed as well along with them. Unconditional love doesn't mean boundary-less love.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 You need to work out what it is in this relationship that attracts you
Is it her intellect?
Her looks?
Her conversation?
The fact she is actually unavailable?
The drama?
The sex?
The excitement of having clandestine meetings?
Being able to cast yourself as a white knight who rescues?
Once you work out the attraction you may be able to determine the best course of action for YOU
...............................
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