A
female
age
36-40,
*higirl
writes:I've come to wonder about relationship expectations, and would like to hear the thoughts of others on this subject. Every so often I read a question and then answers that say "you can't expect this and that at this stage". For example, if a woman has been with a boyfriend for 6 months, or even a year, she is not to expect much of him. Whereas if they were married she'd be entitled to expect more.To be more precice, I've read where a woman complained that her boyfriend stayed out all night and didn't inform her about when he'd come back home. Lots of answers went on to say that she couldn't expect him to "report" back to her since... they weren't married! I've seen this several times now, and the tendency seems to be that once you are married you can expect all sorts of dedication, loyalty and committment from your man. But not when he is just your boyfriend. This doesn't make sense to me. I think that if he as a boyfriend can not show you the level of committment, dedication, loyalty, openess etc. that you want, then why would you ever marry him? It is not as if marriage suddenly changes the man and the relationship, not for the better anyway as far as I've heard. If he's not open with you as a boyfriend then why should you expect him to be once you are married? And why can't you expect the same out of a boyfriend as out of a husband?I don't think that people meet and instantly fulfill each others every need.. It takes time to develop a closeness and openess. I don't think it is necesary for a man to instantly spill out his inner secrets or trust you with his personal information. But after a year, or two, or more, is it totally out of line to expect more of a connection? Why should this only be expected once married (or after living together for 10 years). If two couples have each been together for a year, but one couple has gotten married (for the right or wrong reasons), why is the married woman to expect more from her man? It's all good that we think a married man should do this and that, but in my mind a boyfriend shouldn't be held to a lower standard unless he's just someone you are not serious about.And better yet, why on earth should a man suddenly open up and be dedicated etc. once married if he wasn't prior to marriage? Why after marriage should he suddenly "report" his every move, if he never did before?My thought is that if he isn't doing it while "just" your boyfriend, then he wont be doing it once married either. So what are your thoughts?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 “if a boyfriend can not show you the level of committment, dedication, loyalty, openess etc. that you want, then why would you ever marry him?”
EXACTLY. Dating is a way to figure out if a person has the qualities you want in a life partner. And if they behave in a dating situation the way you want them to behave in a marriage situation then you know you have the right person.
You are correct that you can’t marry them and expect them to change. I agree with you 100%
If a person (male or female) is NOT demonstrating the behaviors you expect of a spouse, then do not make them your spouse. IF they are demonstrating the behaviors you desire in a life partner then you can and should consider marrying them. Time frames are not the issue here. Behavior is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): you're very right that simply changing the official status of a relationship from dating to marriage doesn't change the actual person's behavior or mindset. But a lot of people mistakenly think it does, and they push their partners to get married thinking it will solve problems in the relationship but of course it doesn't it only leads to more problems. That is why you should only marry someone you're sure about, and for the right reasons. Marriage has Consequences.but as far as expectations. Marriage is a more high-stakes relationship than dating. You have a lot more to gain and lose from your relationship if it's a marriage rather than a dating relationship, and that's why people expect more from the relationship if it's a marriage, because when you are married, now your spouse and you are legally bound by the law to certain things. For example, once married, your money and possessions are now is considered to be your spouse's as well, legally. This has a lot of implications should you and your spouse be estranged from each other or be having massive disagreements over what to do with money and property. You can't just say "it's my money he stole it from me so I need legal help to get it back from him" in many cases the law will say no he didn't steal your money, because what's yours is also his since you're married. OK this is not a blanket ruling, I'm certainly not a lawyer, but there are many situations where something like this is the case. can you see how it can be a nightmare if your partner is a horrible person, but the relationship is officially a marriage??Also, when you are married, now the government also recognizes your relationship so that you are now entitled to certain things that you weren't when dating - e.g. sharing health insurance, hospital visitation rights, being considered next of kin in the event of death, citizenship/visa issues for foreigners and so on. This is a major difference and it all occurs just from slapping a marriage certificate on a relationship. As an example: a friend of mine had a boyfriend who was long-term separated from his wife but not officially divorced. Then he died tragically from injuries sustained in a car accident. My friend - his girlfriend - was the last to find out that something had happened to him, because the authorities called his wife since she's the one on record as his next of kin. And the wife, being long-term estranged from him, had no knowledge that he had a new girlfriend. Then when my friend somehow found out through facebook that something had happened to him (she was wondering why he stopped returning her calls, isn't this a terrible way to find out?) he was still lingering in the hospital and she wasn't allowed to see him, only his estranged wife was even though she had been out of the picture for many years. Those are examples of major differences between marriage and non-marriage relationships. If your relationship is a marriage, it has the official stamp of approval from the government that entitles you to certain things involving your partner. This is why the gay-rights movement is pushing to allow gay marriage. This has nothing to do with whether your spouse is a 'good spouse' or not, it simply has to do with the official status of the relationship. Another tragic example is in abusive relationships. When the victim tries to leave the abusive relationship, it's much more logistically difficult if the relationship is a marriage, because of all the legal bindings. Terminating a marriage requires involving lawyers and going to court and paying a lot of money. Whereas if you're not married, then ending the relationship doesn't involve lawyers (unless you have children together then the courts get involved in custody issues). Socially, and religiously, marriage is seen by society as meaning that both people in that relationship have made a lifetime commitment to each other to become a family unit. That is why society expects different behavior from married people than for unmarried couples. And it is why society judges non-marrieds as being "less committed" than married people, and why people feel pressured to change their relationship status to a marriage, in order to "prove" commitment, or to pressure their partners into marriage in order to force commitment.Marriage as an institution is meant to make it harder for intimate partners to break up and find new intimate partners. This was mostly to protect the children. That's why when you're married it is considered to be "for life." And so it's only natural that if you're now bound "for life" you have the right to expect more than from someone who can technically leave the relationship anytime without any legal consequences.but you're absolutely right that behavior-wise, converting a relationship into a marriage doesn't change anything. If your bf is disrespectful and untrustworthy, he will become a disrespectful and untrustworthy husband. Just that, when he was still 'just' a bf, society wouldn't condemn him so much, whereas as a husband they would but then tell you you're screwed cos you're married so you're stuck with him.therefore you *should* expect the same behavior from your bf as you would from a husband. There's different stages of dating relationships so obviously you should have higher expectations for a relationship where you are both agreed to be more 'serious' and 'committed' to each other, than a dating relationship that you both agree is only casual.In my opinion, what determines how much you should expect from your bf is not length of time together or whether you are officially married or not, but rather what your personal agreement towards each other is. You could be in a relationship for 10 years, but with the mutual agreement that you're still just casual and free to date other people. I think a lot of confusion and angst in relationships occurs because society doesn't give us predetermined "scripts" for how relationship partners should behave towards each other and what is expected, other than two categories: married = full commitment, or dating = no commitment at all. That is why people who are dating and want more commitment, feel compelled to get married or pressure their partner to get married (because now it's legally harder for their partner to break up with them), thinking that this equates with commitment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Marriage is a legally binding contract, and is also a commitment for life, it doesn't always work out to be for the rest of their life, but that is the commitment made at the time. A boyfriend whilst in a relationship hasn't made a commitment for life, he has just made a commitment to be your romantic partner. The 2 relationships are totally different, and that is why there is a difference. With a boyfriend, no he doesn't have to report to you, but it is the coutesy thing to do. There is a difference and until they are your husband you do have to act according. The other side is why would a man marry a woman who is always expecting that he has to report every little detail about what he is doing?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 Marriage is a legally binding contract.
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