A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 25 and still a virgin. It is not something I am proud of anymore, in fact I find it to be frustrating and a total drag. All my life I tried to find someone special but did not succeed. My body is aching for sex, and I feel like I am missing out. The fact that people younger than me are doing it, and also the media revealing that losing it after 22 is bad for your health does not help!! I am seriously considering resorting to casual sex, but have a few questions:1. Since I am a bit older than your average virgin, will I be ok in handling the emosional consequences (don't worry, I am not planning to do it without a condom!)?2. How will men react to the fact that I am still a virgin at my age? Will they think that I am weird? Will they be scared that I might fall in love with them, and turn me down? Should I be honest, or pretend?3. Where do I find someone to do it with? I am a bit scared of weirdo's and getting raped etc, and might want to do it a few times with someone, in order to learn...4. If there are blood, what precausions must I take not to infect my partner with some funky disease?Your advice will be much appreciated, thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): Thank you guys for all your sympathetic advice. I am touched that all of you have put so much effort into your answers.
I am not certain what I am going to do yet, but I do want you all to know that you have given me enough tools in order to make an informed decision. I will consider everything said by all of you, and take some time to draw my own conclusions.
Thanks again!
A
male
reader, Mark25 +, writes (26 July 2008):
 Look at positive things in your life. You have plenty of male friends which shows that you can form friendships with the opposite sex. It is unfortunate that you haven't clicked with any of them but that doesn't mean it'll always be like that. Use your natural ability to make as many friends with men as possible and sooner or later, probably sooner, you'll make friends with a lad who really likes you more than a friend. I know it's hard and depressing and unpleasant but you have to battle on through. But just think, when you finally do meet someone, and I honestly believe you will, you will be making love and that's more fulfilling than just sex. Those people having sex that you might be envious of, now, will be envious of you when they see that you're genuinely happy and in love. Casual sex doesn't come anywhere close to that. Don't give up hope. There's still plenty of time. Write in and keep us updated. We love to hear how you're getting on. Keep your chin up.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 July 2008):
 Well, couple of options.
Porn would pay for a 'real' virgin to loose it on tape. Just make sure you do it while the camera is rolling and not during the audition (yes, french porn star claimed she lost her virginity (including anal) during an audition. If you are going to do it to get it out of the way, you might as well get paid for it.
Dogging is a term used when women go out to certain places and have sex with random men.
On the whole, finding casual sex if you are even remotely attractive as a woman shouldn't be too hard.
That you haven't should be a clear sign that you are NOT the type to do this and would probably be deeply unhappy if you did. You can't change your own nature. Some of us just see sex/love as something more serious then a quick random fuck.
Loosing it after 22 is bad for your health? Oh come of it, what medical journal published that gem? Yes, I read those stories too and on tech sites they were quickly unravelled by experienced researchers for basic errors in research. The basic error? Cause and effect, they ain't always clear. Does losing your virginity late lead to sexual disfunction OR do people with sexual disfunction tend to loose it late? For that matter, the "study" also shows that those who loose it early got their own share of problems. Given this, isn't conclusion then basically, sex is a problem.
1. Some women do seem more likely then men to develop an attachment from sex. Most posts about friends with benefits (which is what you seem to be looking for) involve the woman growing attached to the guy while he sees it as just sex. Be very sure if you go for casual sex you can keep it casual. I would suggest that 25 yr old virgin is not the type to be able to do this. If you were, you would already be doing it.
2. Depends on the guy, do it right and he won't care or think he won a trophy because the most casual sex is about scoring, not about feelings.
3. Anywhere, just how casual do you really want it? There are plenty of places if you really want to find a place for casual sex.
4. Condom and it is unlikely you have an STD as a virgin unless you been doing blowjobs etc.
But alright, lets call your bluff. I know a guy who is real player but nice. He could certainly give you a good first time and teach you a lot no string attached. He wouldn't even mind a trip to the UK for it I am sure, real horn dog.
So, want to get his number?
OR is this post really just a plea for help, to be told that you shouldn't do this? To be talked out of it?
I have a simple piece of advice for you then. Read this forum, not the posts about virgins but the ones from women that went into 'friend with benefits' or had one-night-stands. Read about other women who did what you are planning to do and learn from their experience.
You just don't seem the type to be able to go into casual sex, if you do it will probably end in tears with a high change of babies and STD's. Will that make you any happier?
Also remember this, while you are having the casual sex the right person might just pass you by thinking you are already with someone. Wouldn't that be ironic? You on your one-night-stand and Mr Right ringing your doorbell?
If you are determined to change your life, ask yourself why you haven't found anyone yet. Unrealistic expectations, looking in the wrong places, too busy to notice men, shy? Work on that rather then looking to jump in the sack with random strangers.
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A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (26 July 2008):
 No you shouldn't give up searching for love, and you definitely shouldn't have "casual sex" -- the effect could be terrible and make you feel worse about yourself...as Mark25 rightly points out.
"all my life I tried to find someone special"...you're only 25...life's not over! You're still a young adult.
Of course your body is aching for sex -- sex is the most natural act in the world that every human/animal/alien over the age of 12 is aware of; and every one of them wants "some of the action"
But that doesn't mean that you should throw away your virginity for no reason.
You need to find someone who you can trust. Who you share a deep mutual bond with. And how do you meet these men? Well you need to put yourself out there. The most amazing man *is* out there for you -- and he is, but if you don't go out there to meet him then he isn't going to notice you.
Mark25 is right about joining clubs, but I think rather than just joining any clubs, you need to join clubs that interest *you*; activities that interest you -- you need to meet people who are on your wavelength and who share your interests...these people are out there trust me.
And these type of people don't care if you are a virgin....and they will be happy to teach you. Sex is about learning how to give, as well as recieve. It's about learning how to please each other....which results in an amazing, deep, spine-tingling sensation.
A casual fuck with some person you don't know is none of these things, and is totally the wrong thing to do.
Go out there and meet the man who is right for you.
Because he is out there waiting.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (26 July 2008):
 mark25 has hit the nail with a hammer dont have casual sex i know some people like it but i feel crap for having and ex bf -_- like it was a bump in the road that i ddnt need but then again we all learn from things...ide try some of marks advice put yourself out their but dont opt for the easy way out.. you have to kiss a few frogs before you find the right one...hope that helps aphexy xxx big hugs
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): I was a virgin untill I was twenty six and was deeply in love with the guy i had sex with in fact he is now my husband and he loved the fact that I waited just for him.So what if people think your strange. Only you can decide what's right for you but be forewarned casual sex with a stranger is dangerous better it be someone you know.
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A
female
reader, kitty.letterbox  +, writes (26 July 2008):
i sympathise with your situation. virginity is not a medical construct, it's a social one. because of that, we feel all kinds of pressures to make sure that first time is the one we love, and women are especially made to feel bad if they give it away mindlessly. you've probably attached a lot of significance to it as well, wanting to make sure the right guy took your virginity. so in many ways you're right that it only is a significant experience because society tells us it shoudl be.
regardless, i dont' think that having sex with a random is the way to go at all. I doubt that you will feel good about that, but even so, losing your virginity is very painful and you need someone to be gentle and caring, so lying about your virginity or doign it with a random may make the experience quite awful and painful. men (good men ) will not react badly to that u're a virgin. no matter what you think, at the end of the day, they're not all assholes and if you know them/you're good friends/ you care deeply abotu each other, they will be quite good about it. if anything, they'll respect that you've not just gone out and lost it to any old asshole.
my suggestion is that you find a friend that you trust and start making out/being sexual with them, and let one thing lead to another. really though, i don't think guys react as badly as you think they do. a lot of girls wait until marriage so 25 is not uncommon. good luck and let us know :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): Hi Mark
Thank you for your feedback. The problem is, like you, I am the queen of self help books and always have the best answers for my friends in need... But I have become so synical in time.... I have loads of friends, more male than female, but I don't seem to connect with anyone on that level... It is as if I am unable to fall in love. I know that we are definitely not al destined to end up happily settled with a partner... Imagine dying before trying (sex)? Scary thought.
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A
male
reader, Mark25 +, writes (25 July 2008):
Don't have casual sex. You'll end up feeling worse off than ever before and hate yourself for doing it. I can guarantee that you'll feel dirty, cheap and used. Do you really want to be used as a sex toy? I don't think you do. It's clear that it's not sex that you want but someone to love and love you back. If you go around having casual sex you'll get a reputation and nobody'll love you. They'll just see you as a shag. I can empathise with you. Girls have never really wanted me and feel that I'll always be on my own. But I've had some great help that made me more positive. Don't worry about being a virgin. Your time will come. Ignore the media. It's full of shit and propaganda. Half of what they print is crap. What you have to do is make friends with lads. Go to the library, join a gym (if it's too expensive see if they do pay as you go), try nightschools that do free courses. There is loads of opportunity out there for you. You just need to see it. I understand that, as a woman, you're probably not in interested in cars, but how about trying a motor mechanics class? The majority of people there, if not all, will be men. That provides a great opportunity to chat to lads. And if you're the only woman they'll want to talk to you. Places that are dominated by a particular sex can be daunting if you're the opposite sex but if you can overcome that you're on to a winner. But don't just stop there. Join classes where you can make friends with both sexes. They'll have friends, brothers, sisters who have friends, boyfriends who have friends etc. It's like a domino effect. You meet one person and they introduce to someone else and then they introduce to someone and on it goes. The list is endless. Don't be scared to write back if you want more advice. Have a think about what I said and give us an update. Best of luck.
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