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female
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anonymous
writes: My ex and I were together for over 3 years and broke up. After a year of no contact I still had feelings for him and contacted him and he said he can't jump back into this and it would be like starting over and he doesn't want something serious right now(and I questioned him directly saying i think its me you don't want and he still didn't say that and says its about anyone right now. He knows I am not going to stick around forever and just be buddies because I can't do that. I did say well i thought if we saw each other slowly things would fall into place and he said he doesn't know they won't but he doesn't think it will be anytime soon. He also said he doesn't understand why it has to be all or nothing right now and no in betweeenHe did mention specific financial things going on and how he is stressed and closed off. We also had a lot of arguments towards the end of our relationship that were unnecessary and I know things would be different (hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to mistakes etc) and he said he wouldn't want to go through that again and said I think we would get along fine but what happens after a year and then we become attached again? (I guess meaning its harder to break up when you become that attached to someone if things begin to go bad. I think this might be the reason he may possibly be taking this very slow, he doesn't want to get involved so quickly and then the same things happen all over again.A close friend of mine said if she didn't want to get back with an ex she would not talk to them twice a week on the phone for 2 hours, an hour or anything like that like we have been doing and it would only be talking once in a while or every few weeks or something. She said in time you will know if he is coming around or if things are going to stay exactly the same. She said you haven't had contact in a year so you can't expect to just jump back.I know its a risk b/c obviously there are no guarantees but I still really care for him. Is it bad to give this some time?? (maybe 5, 6 months) to see if things change in a positive direction--how we are when we see each other, increased phone calls etc etc.
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (27 November 2009):
 Well, talking to you may be more interesting for him than doing nothing. If you're making your companionship available without him working hard, he'll take it even if he's not serious about you.
You're trying to fit your view of the situation over the truth rather than trying to understand how he thinks. He doesn't see the phone contact as making an investment in you - he sees it as another activity like bowling or camping.
It sounds like he has enough regard for you that he doesn't want to be cold and break your heart, but a polite no is still a no, no matter how you want to rationalize it and hope it means something else. He'll have sex with you if you offer it. But he's not going to be your man again, not in the real honest sense of the word. Men don't let a year go by without contact if they really want to be with a woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): I don't think its completely black and white. Sometimes people do need time and jumping back into a relationship right away after time apart isn't a good idea. He knows I am not going to be his buddy for years to come so I don't get why talk this often, he can even text me in a cowardly way saying I can't do this and we can be friends who talk once in awhile.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): I agree with quirk lady. He left you alone for a year. I think he is throwing you a few crumbs, but is not that interested. He might be lonely and enjoys some companionship. I think it sounds like he is making excuses with the stress things. Why not find yourself a real man that will make you his number one priority? I would let him contact you. If he is interested he will find you trust me. Sometimes girlfriends are not right. I would step back and see if he contacts you. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 November 2009):
Don't waste your time. Your ex was trying to let you down easy. If he cared about you and wanted you back he would have let you know, instead he fed you a line so you wouldn't feel too bad. Focus your energies on finding someone new who wants, loves and appreciates you.
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