| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: So I am finally ready to be done with my marriage, I know it may not be the "right" thing to do. I have tried for years to get my husband to communicate with me and try, even after he has failed to be there for me, failed to follow through, failed to stay faithful... I finally told him I was thinking of leaving and would consider a trial seperation over a divorce. He seemed okay with the idea and I made arrangements to live elsewhere. Then a day later he completely changed his tune. He cried, told me I couldn't go... Told me he would do anything I wanted him to. But it's not just him it's his family, it's the past, it's the future that's the issue. He has failed to tell me how things would change. He keeps asking for another chance. I have given him hundreds. I told him the last several chances that it was the last one, he said he didn't think I would ACTUALLY leave. I told him that was no reason to treat me so horribly. I warned him i wouldn't be able to take it forever. I told him I couldn't take this emotional abuse for my entire life. My father was emotionally abusive. I thought my husband would be so different. But his whole family is passive aggressive and verbally insult ppl all the time. I feel trapped here. I can't do what makes me happy without my husband getting overly clingy and jealous. He has been especially clingy the last couple days. In the past when I try to talk to him he shuts down and hides his head like a baby. I don't know if I want to try anymore. I am young and a good wife. I want someone else, I want to be by myself for a while, I want my freedom to find what makesMe happy and then find someone I can ACTUALLY be happy with. I am comfortable where I am though. My husband is not a horrible person, should I give him another chance??? Should I believe he won't revert back again this time??? Am I fooling myself????? I'm so lost.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 May 2016):
 I think you NEED to leave.
From your post it seems like your BF is all words, no action. He will make promise after promise (words) but not keep them (action). And in the long term, THAT leads people to LOSE trust and respect for him.
My husband used to make ALL kind of promises to the kids and then back out using some lame excuse like, we can't go because you didn't do XYZ. Even though there was NO "agreement" that they HAD to do XYZ to go. And I told him once I told him several times, STOP MAKING promises you don't know 100% that you will keep.
It's actually HURTFUL to the people around you (general you and in your case YOUR HUSBAND) to make promises and then not keep them. And it's VERY unattractive.
My husband actually stopped making all these promises and then breaking them. Now if he makes a promise, he follows through.
A person's WORD should be his/her LAW. It should MEAN something.
In your husband's case his words are just that.. words. Word vomit.
I don't think he WILL change. He might realize over the next few months that he IS about to lose you, so he might put forth a small effort. Now is that effort sustainable? THAT is the question.
As he is now, (cause THAT is who he is) is that a man you want to live out your life with?
YOU have as MUCH right to happiness as he does. If he is preventing you from doing things (within reason) that makes you happy, then does he REALLY want you to BE happy?
You don't get happiness from a partner. YOU have to carry that within yourself. You SHARE happiness with a partner. See the difference?
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 May 2016):
 Nope! He's had enough, well and truly. At some point you just have to realise that you cant fit a square peg into a round hole. Fear of the unknown can be a horrible emotional anchor I get that, but to what expense. Let me tell you, there is nothing like the drawing in the first breathe of freedom once you have taken that step out the door. From that comes confidence, in time clarity. Then annoyance with "Why the fuck didn't I do that ages ago ?" Be kind to yourself and start putting your needs before this needy and emotionally manipulative man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): Your are very right. Tonight we had another talk and a divorce has been decided. However I have an obligation at my job and no where else to live right now so as bad as the idea may seem we will continue together at least for a few months. I'm going in to file this coming week and we will split what little savings we have and will he seperate bank accounts... Our rule is no dating until after I move. It will keep things less complicated. Emotions will be running high and although we have come to this agree my without a fight or an argument, there is still a lot of pain here for both of us. Maybe this will help us to appreciate each other more. We also will not be telling our families for a few months. It just seems easier this way. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I kind of have a new excitemt for life!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2016):
 ... Well, actually he sounds quite horrible to me, from what you have described him in this post and others ...but probably you have a higher level of tolerance than mine. Which, I am not quite sure it's a virtue, unless we decide that suffering fools ( and cheaters, and emotional abusers ) gladly is a virtue.
Anyway, to answer your questions : no, no, and yes- you are fooling yourself.
He does not want you to leave, and he is saying whatever it takes to make you stay. As for meaning it, that's another story. The other times , by his own admission, he did not take you seriously, this time he sees you are a bit more serious so he is just using a new bag of tricks to make you stay. He does not care about you being happy, he cares about still getting your very convenient services and not changing his comfy routine.
Come on, you said it yourself : you gave him SEVERAL last chances. He had his chances and he blew them, he had his warnings and he ignored them. Even if by some unbelievable miracle he should totally change his tune, ... it's too late now. YOU have changed , your feelings have changed and you are staying just out of fear , not out of love.
Fear of what , I don't quite get it. Of course a divorce is not a joke, it's a very important step not to be taken lightly, but in your case you do not have the two main reasons who keep women stuck in bad marriages : children ( you have none ) and money ( you make your own money and do not depend from him financially. In fact, if I remember correctly, you even paid for HIS debts ?.. ) It's like, you are just afraid that you can actually be happy ?!....
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