A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last year I met a man that is 16 years my senior (I'm 21), I thought it was fate at first as we appeared to love all of the same things, share the same thoughts about life and he could not get enough of me. I quickly became attached to him and couldn't believe my luck.A few weeks into meeting, the cracks began to appear. He was aggressive, possessive and became very distant all at once. He had a hold on me, but at the same time lacked the previous enthusiasm to spend anytime with me. The difference between his initial way of being and the way he predominantly is (controlling, allusive) I can't seem to get my head around.Last year we took a break and he never stopped texting/ringing during this time, I kept contact but decided I needed to move on. Earlier this year, we began to meet up again and sort of start up where we left off. All was going well, until once again, his true colours began to surface. I knew I was stupid to go back to him, deep down i know it isn't right. He's 'the one' I will drop all for. The one I care about so much and it's so painful and is mentally damaging me. I'm going through my final year of uni and my grades have already been affected as a result of the mental torture he puts me through.We are going through our distant phase where he takes a week to reply and says he's working nonstop (he works around the country) and although i have began seeing and booked a holiday with another man, I feel I would drop everything for this other guy. I am desperate for some guidance, how do I let go of who I thought he was?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Print out what WiseOwlE said and put it on your wall.Focus on the fact that your basic needs are not being met. When you consider seriously what you need and what you're getting, the bubble will burst.He's great only in your head because you repeatedly focus on "magic moments".To illustrate. I fell for a guy that played a similar game, except that we didn't date long. What you describe, I "survived" mostly in the pre-dating phase. He would openly show how smitten he was with me to that point that even his friends would ask me what that was all about, as they knew that we weren't together. He would do the same when we were alone. And then he would disappear. I was hooked. It took me a while to realize that he was fulfilling my need for drama. In my (crazy) head love was supposed to be like that. He's crazy about me and isn't afraid of showing it and yet when he's supposed to do something concrete something deep inside him prevents him from doing it...and we're back to square one. Like in every single sitcom at the end of each episode. In the end, as it was only normal in these crazy circumstances, he appeared in the middle of a rainy night at my door (okay it wasn't raining ;) and fulfilled yet another of my fantasy for drama of a strong, proud man who was so in love with me that he just couldn't fight it any more... And we were together for a short while... and he tried to play the game, but in my head the clouds had begun to clear and I realized that, as I said, the only need he was really fulfilling is my unhealthy need for strong, overwhelming, dramatic emotions.When he tried play cold I just didn't play back. I didn't call him and most importantly I stopped taking his calls once he decided that he "had time for me". Once you realize deep inside yourself that he's not the only one playing the game BUT YOU TOO things become easier.Find out what unhealthy needs he's fulfilling and you'll understand what you have to do to let him go. It will give you a crystal clear picture of ho you are, who he is and what you are as a couple.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 May 2016):
 How do you let go of a fantasy? You find a new one.
Look, this is manipulative guy in a nutshell. Over the top romance and amazing, sweeps you off your feet, makes you love him the way you never thought you could love anyone, and then at the blink of an eye he flips and turns into the devil himself. So you then start to hate him, like you never thought you could hate anyone. And then you LOVE him, and then you HATE him, and you LOVE him, and it's all just him manipulating you and using you for his own benefit.
You're loving a fantasy. Not him. Find a man who is mentally stable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Are you sure he is not a married man? I mean, how do you really know?His behaviour is very consistent with a man who already has a wife and is looking for a little meaningless fun on the side.Best you move on.Either way, he is poison to you.Take your power back and leave him in the dust. This man does not love you or care about you. He wants to control you. What he is doing to you is destroying you. And HE KNOWS IT. He gets OFF on it. You are a young woman with her whole future ahead of her. You hold the world in your hands. Don't let this old loser drag you down, ok sweetie? You have so much more to give and offer. He is sucking your youth and vitality and all the beautiful things from your very soul. Like a vampire sucking your blood.Please do not let him ruin you.Cut contact. And focus on school, your friends, your family and all the things you love to do.Just chalk this up as a life lesson. A lesson learned. We all go through them.One day you will meet a guy and then you will really say you can't believe your luck. You will see how different that will feel from this pathetic excuse of a human being. A good guy will lift you up. And be consistent in the way he treats you. There will be no distance. No hot and cold behaviour. He will place you on a pedestal and make you feel loved. All the time. He will want to include you in his life and he will never let you down. He will care about your feelings. He will work at keeping you happy. And never hurt you. Don't let this guy put you through any more torture. Why does this keep happening? Because sweetie you are allowing it. You are allowing him to play games and play with your emotions. I know you feel strongly for him. And it will hurt to lose him. But please love yourself enough to let this guy go. Cut him off. If he runs back, it's because he needs to manipulate and control you again for his own purposes. He is evil. Stand strong and stay away. And do not let him back in. Tell yourself you do not want to slowly kill youself by swallowing the poison he spoon feeds you every time you talk, text, are together.See where the new relationship takes you. And booking a holiday with this other man is a great idea. Go away and enjoy. Take this as a permanent vacation from this other loser. Destress and have fun with the other guy. Put the old guy out of your mind. You can do it. You are stronger than you think. You CAN be happy again. Just give yourself a chance.Hugs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Practicing self-discipline is a very hard task. Just giving into our impulses is easy, but it's a weakness. Stop dropping everything for him. Distancing himself from you is his way of manipulating you. He can use the legitimate excuse of being busy, but is really a mind-game. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Players use this tactic on women all the time. Drown you in affection, then go cold and distant. Usually there's another female somewhere he'd rather be with during this absence.
It's also pretty much a sign of a narcissist. He gains your trust, makes you feel wonderful, pushes all the right buttons, then suddenly he changes. In a pivot, he is a totally different person. Mean!
This is s cycle. He keeps you drawn into him. You have to learn to recognize this behavior as toxic. It is effecting you psychologically, and that is the talent a narcissist has. To have complete control over your emotions and to feed on your pain and weaknesses. He's absolutely gentle and sweet for a long stretch of time. He has to nourish you in order to feed on your emotions. You are a source of narcissistic supply. Your energy and love is like fuel. He knows just when and how to set you up, and you're ever so willing. You're becoming addicted to him. Like a drug. He's venomous.
Good sex is usually the bait. It draws you in. You miss it when he denies it. You feel weakened when he rejects you.
Again, this is what he's feeding on.
I suggest you bury yourself in your studies. Distract yourself with the new man you've met. Allow his periods of silence to give you time to brace yourself and recharge your batteries. You need to learn how to pull-away. Take control of the situation and use your own power. You have it you know. You just don't use it. You're much too busy offering him your vulnerability. You only do that for someone you love and trust, and who loves and trusts you. Not someone who is hot and cold, and treats you like a favorite toy he puts away when he bores of you.
Have some dignity as a female. Use your womanhood as your armor. You are are too submissive, and men will take advantage of you for it. Learn your strengths and power by practicing self-discipline. Learn how to say no to yourself, and you'll know how to say no to those who do you no good.
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