A
female
age
41-50,
*aritalabonita
writes:March of this year was the worse month of my life. I found out my husband of 5 years, had cheated on me 3 years ago. During that affair they conceived a child. The child is now around 3 years old and I never knew anything about her.I received a letter in the mail stating that our income tax check had been intercepted by a child support office near our city. When I read it, I was like "this is some kind of mistake!" not even once thinking that my husband had cheated on me - stupid me. He denied knowing anything about this and played along with me that this was a mistake, blah blah. About 2 weeks later we receive another letter in the mail with the other womans' name on it. It was then he had to come clean and tell me about his digusting affair. At the moment I literally saw my life and the lives of my precious boys shatter on the floor. My "STRONG" marriage that I thought I had - distroyed. My heart broke and I felt like I coudn't breath. It was the most devestating time in my life! Now, NOT ONLY did we not get our 6,000 + income tax check back but our stimulus check from the government cut in half to give the other half to that whore and that child. 800 dollars every month in child support to that child. We are now in the process of re-doing the papers for the child support because that is wayyyyyyyyyyyy more than we should be paying. So since then we are struggling fincially.Sorry to go on so long... my question is, do you think he'll do it again? I don't want this man, people BUT I do have 2 innocent children with him and I know how it is to come from a broken home. I do not want that life for my children. He's soooooo sorry! He cries and begs all the time for me to give our marriage a second chance. I just can't get over the hurt! I'm so angery that he could do this not only to me but to his 18 month old child (thats how old my oldest was when he had the affair).Please advise and help me. THank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): I am in a similar situation as you and would like to know how you plan to handle yours.
I've been married for 21 years and have 5 children.
Last year found out my husband has a 7-year old with another woman that he's known since 1987. He said it was a one night stand and that he encouraged her to have an abortion which she wouldn't. Her husband is raising the child as one of his own (they have two). They are now divorced and he raises the children.
My husband hasn't spoken to her since 2000, and does not pay child support. He says he completely blocked it out of his mind.
I was livid and could not understand how he could simply block out a child who does not deserve this. After months of soul searching I forgave him.
Last month, I found out the affair started in 1993 and she had been pregnant before and had an abortion. Their affair lasted 7 years and he has kept this from me for 15 years because he said he loves me didn't want to hurt me.
Before I found out last year, I suspected and confronted him periodically for years about her and he would flatly deny so much as "touching, kissing, hugging, or anything else sexual with her."
I am about as hurt and angry as I could possibly be, and feel like the dumbest person of the decade. We have 20- and 18-year olds in college, 17-, 6- and 5-year olds. I was a stay at home mom who now works.
I'm through and I'm leaving him. It is imperative to me that I show my kids that it is not acceptable to put up with anyone who completely and totally disrespects you.
A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 I know you love him but that love has to go both ways. What he did was not loving to you or your children at all. It disrespected you and the kids to the fullest extent. He is a liar and a cheat. Is that the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your days with?
It is bad enough to be unfaithful with a one night stand or something like that but to have unprotected sex jeopardizing your health unknowingly and yes I would go and get tested for everything, but to do that and create a child with someone else and then try to ignore it and hide like a coward is just disgusting beyond belief.
It is going to be difficult to decide what to do. I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 I would concur with 'Oldfool's' opinion.
One should not judge him and punish him regarding his relationship with his children.
The children are innocent and withholding his love from them is not quite right.
The only ones to suffer would be the children.
Don't throw obstacles in his path.
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female
reader, saritalabonita +, writes (6 June 2008):
saritalabonita is verified as being by the original poster of the question At this point I just don't feel that HE is the best male figure to be in my boys life. What kind of example is he to them? So I don't feel that it's in the best interest of my boys to spend a lot of time with him. Until we go to court and the judge rules, I will allow the court minimum, which is every other weekend BUT if he doesn't have a safe and secure place to live in, then he will only be able to see them during the day and not over night.
I am trying very hard to keep my emotions separate from the best interest of my boys but at this point, you tell me what he has done (in my boys life) to show he's a good and responsible father? What has be even done to show he loves my boys? He didn't give a damn about their future, he didn't care if they came from a broken home or not!
Thanks again for all the responses. :)
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reader, oldfool +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Saritalabonita, you have a magnificent fighting spirit (and a perky photo!)!
In time I think you'll stop spinning and come down on an even keel. I wish you the best of luck!
Hope you don't mind me mentioning this, but no matter what his sins and faults, and no matter how angry you are at him, in the long run it's probably not a good idea to use access to the kids as a way to get even with him. I know that this may be anathema to you at the moment, but for the kids' sake -- not his -- I think it may be best to try and ensure they maintain a good relationship with their father.
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reader, saritalabonita +, writes (5 June 2008):
saritalabonita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, for the replys. :)
I find myself defending him. I tell myself, "well, we did have problems at the beginning of our marriage so I understand kind of why." you know things like that... it's not right. Because then I look at myself and I think, " Ok well we did have problems but I didn't find myself in another mans' bed!" This is a hard and horrible situation.
I've never loved a man the way I love him. And that's what makes it that much harder. And of course him being the father of my boys makes it even harder and everything else that comes with it. I know this man doesn't deserve to have us. I get mad and say that how dare he think he can go and screw around on me, make a baby with that whore and then think he can still have a family. NO! I almost don't want to stay together so he can suffer! Not seeing his boys everyday and believe me, I WON'T make this easy for him. I won't be letting him come over everyday to see them.
Nothing and no one says I should stay with him. The only thing that hold me here is my love for ths jack ass and of course my boys. I know what I need to do - it's just doing it.
Thank you all for all the words of wisdom, opinions and advise. Please keep me and my boys in your thought and prayers.
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female
reader, saritalabonita +, writes (5 June 2008):
saritalabonita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, for the replys. :)
I find myself defending him. I tell myself, "well, we did have problems at the beginning of our marriage so I understand kind of why." you know things like that... it's not right. Because then I look at myself and I think, " Ok well we did have problems but I didn't find myself in another mans' bed!" This is a hard and horrible situation.
I've never loved a man the way I love him. And that's what makes it that much harder. And of course him being the father of my boys makes it even harder and everything else that comes with it. I know this man doesn't deserve to have us. I get mad and say that how dare he think he can go and screw around on me, make a baby with that whore and then think he can still have a family. NO! I almost don't want to stay together so he can suffer! Not seeing his boys everyday and believe me, I WON'T make this easy for him. I won't be letting him come over everyday to see them.
Nothing and no one says I should stay with him. The only thing that hold me here is my love for ths jack ass and of course my boys. I know what I need to do - it's just doing it.
Thank you all for all the words of wisdom, opinions and advise. Please keep me and my boys in your thought and prayers.
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reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (4 June 2008):
 So now that you have gotten some advice amd opinion, whats your next plan of attack?
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reader, saritalabonita +, writes (4 June 2008):
saritalabonita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all I just wanted to answer some question and address some, as well.
He did know about her filing for child support back about a year ago. He received a letter in the mail BUT the only address they had was the one at his moms house SO he got it before I did and he threw it away. I'm telling you, this man has no brains. I really feel like he lives with the saying; "Out of sight, out of mind". I think he THOUGHT that all this crap would just disappear as long as he didn't acknowledge it. And OLDFOOL is right, if he didn't show up to court fighting that it's not his child then the court goes with what the mother says. (keep in mind that I'm almost positive that this child is his because she looks like my oldest son) The only thing I lack is the proof on paper. So yes, he knew it was coming, he just didn't know when...
I know the more I tell of his BS, the more I'm digging a hole. NOTHING about this situation is right and he did NOTHING right. He's a damn coward.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Thanks, oldfool, for doing that research. I did not know that, and it is useful to know. I still imagine that this man must have had some warning about the garnishment judgement, and that might have been a good time for him to address this issue with his wife. So I agree with you, he IS running scared and he has to face the consequences of his actions. Right or not, he did his bit in bringing a new child into the world, and he is responsible for financially supporting it as well as the children with his wife. The innocent child should not suffer because of the stupidity of the parents.
I don't know what to advise you, sarita, other than suggesting you start planning for the worstcase scenario. You can still hope for the best, but I think the reality is that you should brace yourself for a very bumpy road. My heart goes out to you.
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reader, oldfool +, writes (4 June 2008):
Tisha-1, from poking around the Internet, I've got the impression that it's quite possible for a woman to name a man as the father of the child, and if the father doesn't contest within a certain time frame, the government goes ahead on the assumption that the mother's claim is correct. That's one of the big complaints of the "paternity fraud" lobby. Whether there is a legal trail in this case, of course, is hard for us to judge.
Reading this: "When I asked him WHY, he never could really answer me... he always said he honestly didnt' know. I asked him was it because of me, was it because of our son, etc... and he never says anything. Pretty much he just says because it just happened. UGH. That's not good enough for me." -- I totally agree. It's not enough. How exactly did this man get into this mess? Surely some thoughts must have been going through his brain! You know, like, "I shouldn't be doing this" or "Forget the wife, this is what I want" or "I was drunk the first time" or "She raped me". Anything but "It just happened"!
How can he cry and beg all the time for saritalabonita to give their marriage a second chance when he can't even fess up what made him do it? I just can't picture this man putting a sincere effort into trying to communicate and salvage the marriage. It just sounds like he's running scared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): You know what? There are some things which you just have to walk away from they are such a mess. This is one of them. Start fresh girl - this is not your problem to solve and you never created it. The mess is complicated but the decision is simple. Once you do it I know you will feel relief. Please consider all the people that want you to be happy and respected and loved - just as you would wish this for your own child. You have a choice.
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reader, I'llTryToHelp +, writes (4 June 2008):
 The new details you've added have changed my mind. You need to divorce his sorry ass, sue for child support and start a new life without him. Immeditately!!! He doesn't deserve you!
You're also right about the other woman. She deserves all the hard times that come her way. Women like her don't deserve children but I hope the ones she has don't suffer because of her stupidity.
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (4 June 2008):
The rice has been cooked , it is up to you if you want to eat it or throw it to the dogs.
Do not do anything out of anger.
Let everything cool down first and let rationality returns before you take any decisive actions.
Doing anything out of anger may bring regrets to you.
Your marriage will not be the same again.
You have to look at the bigger picture.
You have not only to consider yourself but also your kids future.
No matter how you look at the situation ,
that girl is your children's half sister as they share the same father .
Write down a list of pro's and cons whether to stay or leave.
This will help you make the right decisions.
You may feel the urge to run away from this problem by
leaving but it will not solve anything and may create more problems .
Going down that road can be long , lonely and dark road.
It is better to salvage what is left and to rebuild your life again.
No one is perfect and people do make mistakes.
My empathy to you and I pray for your peace of mind .
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2008):
I think oldfool is right here. There is way more to this than he's shared with you.
One thing that doesn't really seem explained is how the tax check and the stimulus check came to be 'garnished' by the government. That means that she filed a claim somewhere and it was proven that he is the father of this child. There must have been some legal proceedings for this to have happened. I really doubt that she could just phone up the IRS and say this man is the father of my baby and I need child support... there must be a legal trail there that he does not want you to know about.
My bet is that there's been more than one woman, sorry to say this, but he sounds like a cheater and a liar. He happened to get 'caught' by fathering a child.
I'd be very concerned about his having unprotected sex too, there may be a real health issue for you too, sorry to pile this on your long list of worries, but you need to make sure that you're fine in that department as well.
I've worked with some men who were totally charming and handsome and successful and the biggest womanizers you've ever met. They used business trips as excuses for cheating on their wives. (I have to say that I've never been involved with a married man, this is just something I observed when I was working with them.) It was like their marriage vows didn't apply once they were outside a certain radius from home. It was difficult sometimes to meet their wives at company functions and not feel sorry for them.
I'm sure this is not helping you, but I want you to be very clear about the importance of taking care of YOU and your children. You need to make sure that you are getting the support you need for yourself and your sons and not to let him lie to you any more.
Get into counseling if you think you can salvage the marriage, but don't let him lie to you or avoid telling you what you need to know.
My heart goes out to you, your sons and this innocent child who's been brought into the world by two people who don't know any better.
Take care of yourself.
xxx
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reader, oldfool +, writes (4 June 2008):
There's something wrong here. Your husband is not giving you enough information or explanation. Betrayal is very hard to accept, but if the other person is willing to let you know what it was all about, it will at least be easier to understand, no matter how much it may hurt to hear the truth. That is the least he could do for you. There's not much to work on when he's holding back so much.
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reader, Aeval +, writes (4 June 2008):
 oh dear, that is an awful situation to find yourself in.
I would advise you to leave him, its a huge betrayal and by staying you are sending a message to your children that it is ok to do that to someone.
Your children will be fine because you will be. Kids pick up on stress in their mother.
You can get them into councelling and stuff if you think they will be badly hurt.
You have every single right in the world to ba hurt and angry and $800 a month is lots of money to pay to another woman (that I understand better than most) however please please please try not to hate the child, Its after all your kids half sibling..and its really not its fault how it was born.
As I said, now you can be angry but in the future this is something you will have to deal with.
Very very best of luck to you
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reader, saritalabonita +, writes (3 June 2008):
saritalabonita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGosh, thank you all soooooo much for all your responces. I didn't expect them so soon. :) I guess the hardest thing about the whole thing is that this is so out of his character! If you would take one look at this man and meet him just once, you'd never think he could be capable of doing this mess. To answer some of your questions: NOW THIS IS CALL ACCORDING TO HIM, so yeah, it's pretty hard to believe him but I guess I may never know the "REAL" truth. They had the affair for around 6-9 months. Yes he knew he got her pregnant and pretty much imediately, he stopped seeing her. You can say he pretty much ran from the mess he made. He says he did go and see the baby when she was born BUT (and you're going to love this!) not only did he go and see the baby when it was born but HE TOOK MY 18 MONTH OLD SON WITH HIM!!! Can you believe that! Oh! You have no idea what I would have done to him had he been here when he told me, it came up in a conversation/fight we were having. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be typing this right now - I'd be in jail for murder! lol. Now, he also claims that they didn't see eachother everyday, it was occationally or more often then not (I think). He didnt' love her. And when I asked him WHY, he never could really answer me... he always said he honestly didnt' know. I asked him was it because of me, was it because of our son, etc... and he never says anything. Pretty much he just says because it just happened. UGH. That's not good enough for me. SO, I am here left with 3 years of our "wonderful marriage" nothing but a freaking lie! He has kept this secret for so long that all this time has been a lie. During those 3 years, we had another son and what do you think I think about?? I just think that he probably thought about that other child. It just tears me apart.He doesn't have anything to do with this child nor does he want to. He wants to give up all rights to this child. I know it sounds bad. I think it's horrible. BUT you have to understand that I can't think about this child or her future - she's not mine! I have to think about me childrens future and my future. Her mother is going to have to answer to her as to why she doesn't have a daddy or why she has so many men in her life. Oh and yes the other woman knew my husband was married so I have absolutely no sympathy for her. SINCE then, I have found out that she has another child out there somewhere living with some family (this child she had before my husbands) she gave it up to family because she couldn't raise it. She now has another child with another man, who she is no longer with SOOO yeah, my husband picked a winner.
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reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 It is bad enough finding out your husband had an affair three years ago, but to have to deal with the fact that he fathered a child you knew nothing about is another blow to you. The time frame makes no difference and to find out after so long must make you not only hurt and angry but confused as to why your husband did not come clean about it sooner. Did he know he had fathered a child with this woman and does he have any contact? If not does he want contact with the child in the future? These are things that will affect your family in the future and will need to be clarified and dealt with now so you have no more nasty suprises in the future.
It is still early days for you with regard to you feelings and I'm sure there are a lot of questions you need answering. You will need to know the truth about the affair and why your husband felt the need to stray in the first place. Your husband whether he likes it or not has to answer all your questions truthfully if he is to gain your trust again, he has left you feeling as if your world is now at your feet and if you are to save your marriage he will need to convince you that he will stay faithfull in the future.
Only you can decide whether or not to forgive him, you will need to work through the pain you are no doubt going through and come to terms with the fact you have been betrayed by the man you love. Maybe you could try couples councelling, it might help to discuss your fears with an unbiased third party.
He has brought another child into the world and it is his responcibility to support it, it is not the child's fault after all that it was concieved in such circumstances, you will have to somehow learn to accept that his affair will cost your family not only emotionally but also financially.
There's nothing to say he will repeat his actions again, surely if he hasn't learned after this bombshell has been dropped on your lives he never will!
Take things one day at a time as you try to come to terms with all this. Many people go on to have happy marriages after affairs and there is no reason to think that you cannot have the marriage you thought you had back again, it will take time though.
Good luck and keep us posted.x
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reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (3 June 2008):
If it were my husband, he be gone! No words exchanged exept "see you in court", because we have 2 kids he will have to support. He'll do it again and again, and probably with this girl. As for your kids, would it be better for them to have a mommy going mental because daddy likes to shagg other girls, and has another kid? I'm from a "broken home" and I'm glad because when my folks were together, it was hell. My mom always yelling, and my dad behaving like a horses ass. So, whats REALLY the best intrest of those kids? I'm so sorry, wish you didnt have to go through this:(
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reader, I'llTryToHelp +, writes (3 June 2008):
I know how devastating this is for you and my prayers are with you and your children.
I agree, he's the scum of the earth. But also keep in mind that he most probably lied to her just like he lied to you. She possibly didn't know anything about you when she was involved with him.
You don't have to decide anything right now. Tell him you need time to think and recover. If you don't want to discuss it with him right now, you don't have to. I would definitely want to know the details of the affair when I thought I could handle it.
Did he lie and lead her on? Why did he feel he needed someone else? Lust? Chance? Were they seeing each other regularly or was it a fleeting thing? Did he know about the baby and refuse child support? How much of a monster is he?
I would base my decision on what I found out about the circumstances and how involved he was.
Stay strong and Good Luck, honey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I think your children would be better off with no father than this piece-of-crap excuse for one. Ditch him; he obviously cares for no one but himself.
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