A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex of 8 years about two years ago. Towards the end of our relationship he became a bit mean and I started emotionally detaching myself I suppose over time when this happened. He's a procrastinator and I couldn't see him wanting to marry me. I felt unappreciated and worthless to him. So I left. I bumped into him the other day and we were talking a lot. He still loves me, seemed so happy to see me and almost insecure. He had thought about and missed me a lot. I missed him too of course because we had such similar values and morals and interests. He was depressed the last few years we were together and regrets not treating me better. I still love him, I know I do and I loved the life we lived together. He so happy that we are talking again, but I'm just not sure if I'm afraid to let myself be with him again or I don't feel the same. We are going to have a big talk about what happened and everything else. He's changed though and was so tender and living and sweet. He wears his heart on his sleeve and is an honest guy. I know we could be happy together but I'm confused about whether the old spark is still there. I'm not sure if I'm treading carefully because I don't know how I feel or because I'm afraid... What should I do? I know we would take it slowly if we did decide to work things out (plus I'm waiting out Mercury Retrograde too!!) - I just felt so safe and comfortable around him. While we were apart I had a big love/lust/love/hate relationship with a guy but our needs and wants didn't align and we had to break up - I felt insecure and anxious constantly when I was with him. But I had such a spark with the guy. I'm wondering can I be happy with my old ex...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): "He's changed though" that's only because he's not been in a relationship with you. Old habits die hard and it's more than likely you'll fall into the same trap again.
OP the only reason you and he are even considering this is because of your relationship experiences in between.
OP you seem to be looking at this with rose tinted glasses and sound confused as hell too.
I mean if you know for sure that you will work out this time then why are you asking us this?
Oh and you think you know he's changed after only meeting him the first time the other day?
You're living in a fantasy world, OP, a fantasy world where none of the break up happened, where he wasn't an abusive asshole and you seem so desperate to have the guy you were originally with that somehow it going all wrong no longer matters.
OP for the record, we're all tender, loving and sweet when we're working to get a woman, or get her back, the main thing you need to focus on here is how things went wrong and whether that will happen again.
You can't possibly say he's changed, because it's the very beginning of you getting to know him again and you know what? People don't really change and for all you know his depression was more than likely caused by being with you. So of course when you went that did too.
Now you're going to have a "big talk" about what happened?
Did you not get closure at the time? I mean seriously, what's to talk about other than to create more excuses for you to ignore what happened so you can lay the groundwork to getting back with a guy that you failed so miserably with the last time?
I mean you know you can work in the long term, you had a pretty good relationship in the beginning, but you can't ignore the fact that it fell to pieces, you can't ignore the fact that when it counted you couldn't make it work.
now for some reason none of that stuff matters, you're even trying to tell yourself he's changed, you've already convinced yourself it'll be amazing again.
And no offence but there's probably a big tick-tock in the back of your mind of a biological nature too.
I say that, OP, because this big talk stuff is bullshit. That's just a prelude for you both to talk like all the stuff that happened doesn't matter, and now that he knows he wasn't good to you everything will be different. Bullshit it will.
You see I say all this, OP, because you'd take your time and slowly get to know him if it wasn't the case. You wouldn't be in such a hurry to dive head first into the clusterfuck that you had before him and risk your heart with a big talk so soon.
You'd take things extra slow and you wouldn't entertain the idea of a relationship with him until you had a long time getting to know him again and seeing if he really is different, because it's a hell of a lot to bank on the hope he might have changed. When at your age you know all too well this could be just like it was at the start last time only to fall apart again because you wanted it so badly to work again.
I never get back with exs, I know how that mostly works out. But if you insist, then diving head first like you are now is the worst possible way of approaching it. Seriously, OP, look at how deluded you are after only seeing him the other day.
Take a step back from this situation for a moment and have a long hard think to yourself. You're like a giddy school girl and the things you're thinking make no sense. It's all just emotion and a tinge of desperation. Take your time here, have your big talk but do not let the sweet words of a man who couldn't find another woman to be with in the past two years let you think they're reality. Like you a huge part of this is "not being able to find anyone else". If your last relationship was actually awesome then you wouldn't even be considering getting back with him.
Take your time, OP, think hard and think practically. You really don't want to take a chance on hope, you need a lot of certainties before you commit to him in any way emotionally and a big talk with the words you want to hear will not be enough. You need to thread carefully and test the waters on everything. Because if he can't explain why he was depressed in that time, or if his excuse doesn't really hold that much water then it was being with you that made him that way and it most certainly will again.
So before and after your big talk, remember the years of pain, despair he put you through, remember how thoroughly awful that was and remind yourself of the consequences should it turn out that way again. I can already tell by your giddiness that it'll probably destroy you. I can also tell you don't care about reality at the moment and are just hoping he'll say the right things for you to convince yourself to dive straight in.
Most of all though, OP, try pretend this is a friend asking you this question. What would you say to them? Well follow your own advice. Life is not like the movies. You can't just magic away a horrible history of pain and mistreatment with a few words and you shouldn't just jump right back into something with a guy who has treated you that way before.
Because guess what? Depression is a bullshit excuse. I've suffered it pretty severely and I did not treat anyone but myself badly. It's not an excuse, it's not a reason and you should not be so quick to dismiss what he did, or think "he's changed" because you know aswell I do, that only fools to tell themselves a person's changed. People never change in the way you believe this guy has and you know it, and you certainly can't tell that after only one long conversation.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Life is too short, no harm in giving the ex a second chance. Its been 2 years and I am sure you both have grown and matured.
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