A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help. We have been married one year. I love this woman with all my heart.While we were still dating though. My then girlfriend, now wife, took a trip home to visit her family. They live two states away. While she was over there I found out she had been texting her ex boyfriend (old flame) since the day she arrived. She was there 2 weeks. On the last day she met him for lunch. She didn't tell me. I found out.It had been a source of argument since we started dating. I felt it wasn't right to keep in contact with an ex lover if she was with me. I don't do that to her out of respect for what we share now. She thought there was nothing wrong with it; saying it was all innocent. Hence, why she hid it from me, according to her. In order to avoid a fight. (I would get pretty upset about it.)we broke up because of this and she begged for forgiveness. She promised to cut all contact with him. She claimed that me leaving made her realize how much more she loved me and I meant more to her than her ex boyfriend. And she did. Changed her number, cut all ties. Since that time she is amazing. Totally different. She said me leaving totally changed her. Made her realize so many things; and opened her eyes to how lucky she is. She cooks for me, washes, everything. It's like she finally let herself love me completely. I still can't help but wonder if her change of heart really was due to me leaving or if it's out of guilt for maybe cheating on me?I don't think she's the type of girl that would do that, but I didn't think shed go behind me back either. I thought I was all over this. Months later we got engaged and now married. Just recently we found out she is pregnant. But I keep having the urge to cheat on her. Maybe because I feel like it's only fair for what she did to me before...but what if she didn't? Help...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): OP here
Carrot,
Thank you. So much. From the bottom of my heart. I sat down with her and talked to her. I told her I know I should be past this because we are married and having a baby, but I'm not. I told her I want to be for the same reason that I want to have a wonderful life with my wife and our soon to be born child.
I asked her in the most sincere non-accusing way why she met with him. Why, if she knew it would hurt me so much did she do that?
She started crying and said she needed to. That she had been hooked on him for so long, begging her ex to take her back, and that her ex knew this. So when they would talk he just seemed so smug and arrogant. So she said she needed to meet with him face to face so that he could see with his own eyes that she was finally ok. That she was happy and in love and didn't need him anymore. She said he tried to kiss her and that if she wanted too she had the opportunity, but didn't. And after this last encounter she cut all ties because she was finally ready to. And it was so "healing" (her words) for him to see she wasn't hooked on him anymore. That it was something she just needed in order to fully love me. Which is why when she came back she was ready to marry me and is thrilled to be pregnant with my child.
She said she was so sorry for deceiving me. That it was never her intention to hurt me. She admitted what she did was wrong, to hide it from me. But that she thought if I never knew it wouldn't hurt me and she would still get the healing she needed. She said she loved me so much and thanked God every day that I forgave her. Because she knew it was hard for me to do that, next to almost impossible. She said there is no way she can prove it to me beyond any doubt but that she swears she was never unfaithful.
That's the first time she had ever opened up to me about it. I would ask her before but she would always shy away and just shut down. But she said with a baby on the way she doesn't want there to be anything between us. And I agree. I could see the truth in her eyes as she told me. As well as the emotion in her voice.
Thank you to everyone on here. As she was telling me this, all the anger I had seemed to just dissipate. I think more than anything I just wanted her to open up like that with me. Which she never did before. Again, thank you. You have changed all 3 of our lives for the better. :)
A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (23 April 2010):
 You seem to think that letting go of past hurts, loving your wife, and moving forward makes you a chump. It doesn't.
You seem to feel that the fact that you've only had two major relationships makes you a sucker. It doesn't. Actually, it makes you quite lucky. Most of us have to dig through a lot of turds before we find a diamond. You found true love in only two tries.
Regardless of what you think, you don't have to forgive anyone if that's not what you want to do. The two of you had broken up and gone your separate ways, so you had every chance to walk away for good. But you chose not to. YOU chose to forgive her. Or at least that's what you told her.
The person you should have gotten your revenge on is your ex of three years who cheated on you. But you didn't, so instead you choose to take it out on your wife and the mother of your unborn child.
Perhaps you didn't marry her because you loved her. Maybe you married her so you could spend the rest of your life punishing her (and your ex) for hurting you. You want to cheat on her and throw it in her face. You want to break her heart for hurting you. You want to devastate her.
You are so consumed with rage that you've forgotten what love feels like.
You are not a sucker or a chump. Your wife is not laughing at you behind your back. She didn't get one over on you and play you like a fool. She did not run to her ex after you broke up; she begged for your forgiveness. She corrected her behavior. She's been amazing.
Even though your reasoning pisses me off, you are probably a very nice guy. And for the record, all nice guys DON'T finish last: you ended up with an amazing wife and you have a baby on the way, so you definitely didn't "finish last". Please find a way to let go of your rage so you can have a happy family life. You deserve love and you found it; don't let anger and ego make you throw it all away.
Out of curiosity, have you ever asked what made her reach out to her ex, or have you just focused on the fact that she met up with him? Perhaps you can ask her--in a non-accusatory or badgering way--what she was hoping to achieve in meeting with her ex. She may have met him just to confirm for herself that her feelings for him were gone. Maybe she met with him to get a sense of satisfaction in knowing that she was no longer hooked on him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): dude don't let your pride eat you alive. Your wife than girlfriend had lunch with an ex the thing, should she have told you about it before it happened maybe, the thing here is you forgave her, so the she should have should not matter. Don't ruin your marriage and be considerate of your wife she is pregnant, but if you can't forgive her for pure pride than I would recommend you to set her free. You have no right to intentionally hurt her, if the anger and seek for revenge is so great than simply set her free.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2010): But the fact is that she did know she was hurting me. She knew how I felt about it; and before she left even at one point said I was right. That if me and her were ever going to move on and get married it should be just that. Me and her. No ex's in the picture at all.
Then she went and did that. Knowing full well it would hurt me. Maybe that wasn't her intent because she thought I'd never know. So how could it hurt me? But I did find out.
And the texts and lunch is all I FOUND out. That doesn't mean that's all that happened! I will never know if there was or wasn't more. What if there was? Should I just suck it up? Oh well. Too bad. She told me she loved this guy to death. Thought she was going to marry him and apparently 1 1/2 years after they broke up she was still hooked on him. Even a couple of months into our relationship. I could tell but was in denial. It wasn't until all that happened that I really felt when she came back she had let him go. But why? That's my question. And yes, I've tried asking her and talking with her about it but anytime I bring it up she gets upset. When i ask her for details about where they ate, what she ordered, etc. She avoids it. Shouldn't she be able to answer these details if it was an innocent lunch?!
If she's allowed to make one mistake that "opened her eyes" and I'm supposed to forgive her; then why aren't I allowed to "learn the hard way"?
I'm not going to do it. But it still pissed the crap out of me. I feel like she has one up on me. Like I'm the good little innocent boy that never does anything wrong that girls can take advantage of. All I do is wonder if I ever could or should but never do!
It was like that with my ex girlfriend too. With her for 3 1/2 years and she cheated on me too. So it's bull whoever says guys are cheaters! Girls are just as effin bad.
Ex girlfriend flat out cheated on me. Physically, emotionally.
And my now wife, in the past, at the very least emotionally. Probably physically too. I mean c'mon. She was head over heels for him, away from home, and obviously had no issues meeting up with him. Didn't even give it a second thought that I was at home buying her an engagement ring at the time.
I have always been the nice guy. And yes, we always finish last. So maybe I'm thinking it's not worth being the nice guy anymore. So for all of you telling me I'm a horrible husband and father for thinking this; maybe I am. But being the nice, sweet, loving, too kind boyfriend always led me to being decieved one way or another.
And just for your info I have never had these thoughts before. Until now. I have never done anything to hurt her. Ever.
But not one girl I have been with ever gave two cents about me, or my feelings. Just theirs. Yes, I've only been with 2 women.
Now my wife does, but it came at a price.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): "she should forgive you if you forgave her..."
But she won't forgive you because you are considering having SEX as payback for her having LUNCH. And if she leaves your ass for cheating, it will be just what you deserve.
Can you blame her for not telling you? Look at you're reacting to this situation. Only God knows why she would choose to be with someone as vindictive as you are, but she wanted you. You took her back, married her, created a baby with her, and yet you're still fixated on TEXTS and LUNCH.
Is your ego this fragile? Are you this insecure?
Or maybe you're just too immature to be a husband and a father.
Get some counseling for yourself. Your issues are far deeper than you realize.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Anonymous here.
FA - you're right. It is my pride. I just keep asking myself how she could have done that to me.
See, since we started dating she told me she still talked to him. And I was ok with it. Because we weren't serious. But once I fell in love with her, which was pretty fast, I told her I couldn't do that anymore. I didn't want to share her so to speak. Physically, emotionally, her love should have been reserved for me because I was like that with her. When we moved in together I told her I realize that she has the right to speak to whoever she wants, whenever she wants. I can't tell her what to do. But by the same token, I have certain things I expect in the woman I love and plan to marry. And still talking with an ex wasn't one of them. So she said she wouldn't talk to him. That she'd let go slowly. And she did. Until she went home for a visit.
Assuming it was just purely texts/calls & lunch; she still lied to me. I can't help but feel like she cheated emotionally. I'm really big on that. But I should be past this I know, somehow though, I feel if I did do something wrong it would be justified by what she did in the past. Maybe I say that so I won't feel guilty if I do. but I understand forgiveness is just that. Getting hurt but loving the person enough to take it and give them a second chance.
I totally understand everyone advice here. And I sincerely thank you for all your help. I think she's picked up on my feelings. She keeps asking me if I am happy with her. And if I still love her. In my mind I keep thinking, stop this before it gets worse; but in the back of my mind I think, "she should forgive you if you forgave her..."
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (21 April 2010):
"It sucks having someone wrong you and you have to be the bigger person."
Sweetie, it's called forgiveness. It doesn't suck to forgive someone you love. It's forgiveness, not retribution, that evens the score. It's only a no-win situation if you somehow feel you lost.
If you think texting an ex and having lunch is cheating, I suggest you read some of the posts on this site. You need to get a better picture of what infidelity truly looks like so you can put her actions into perspective.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 April 2010):
 anonymous,
Thanks for the follow up. Don't do it. It is entirely different to have lunch with an ex when yo are dating, than when you are married. I see more clearly that your problem has to do with pride. What was that quote from "top gun". "your ego is writing checks that your body can't cash." Something like that. Your pride is about to get you into a hole that you will not be able to dig yourself out of. Resist this by thinking how she will feel, Because you are already thinking this. And by thinking about exactly what this could cost you.
The real idiot is the fool who cheats. Giving up a life of joy for a few thrill rides is an idiots bargain.
FA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): I am the poster of the question. I appreciate all the advice. There are deeper issues here. I took her back because I loved her. And couldn't imagine my life without her. How can I explain it? I still wonder to this day, if she actually did cheat on me or not. Yes, it was just lunch, that I found our about. I also know they were texting on/off the whole two weeks she was down there! That's different than just deciding one day to call an old friend and see if they are free for lunch. But I had gotten over it. Which is why I married her. I told myself, I will never know, but I would give her the benefit of the doubt. But something has stirred inside me, making me desire to have a fling. I don't understand it. I never had this feeling when we were dating, but I do know. I've only been with 2 women before her. I just don't want to look like an idiot. Let's say she did cheat, and I never do. Then I look like an idiot, because she fooled me. Let's say she didn't cheat, and I do. Then I am an idiot.It's a no win situation. I do feel like the score is uneven. Is it childish to think that. Maybe, but i do. I don't think I will cheat; but I am going to meet up with an ex that has been asking me to meet up for coffee. I think that will settle the score in my head? Then again, it's different now. We aren't just dating. We are married. And if she's anything like me it'll make her feel depressed, and unappreciated like I did when she did that too me. And that wouldn't be good forthe baby! Ughhhh!It sucks having someone wrong you and you have to be the bigger person. I'm not going to do it. Whether she cheated or not, it's irrelevent. I'm not going to compromise my character. It just feels so unfair sometimes...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2010):
 By all means, go contact an ex and have lunch with her. That will settle that particular score, if you are really into an eye for an eye kind of retribution. Personally, I think you are expressing rather immature thought patterns, this is the kind of thing a kid would consider 'even stevens'. Are you really so insecure and still so angry that you think this is somehow a good idea?
I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You want to cheat because you want to have sex with someone else. You've got a pregnant wife who is changing physically and emotionally, not to mention her fall from grace. You're finding the grind of daily life, the sameness, the pregnancy all a bit stifling. Let's face it, this desire to cheat is all about YOU.
Yes, she was wrong to go behind your back but she didn't commit a sex felony. She's human. She made a bone-headed mistake. She's atoned for it a thousand times over. Either accept it, or cut her loose, for heaven's sake. She's HUMAN. I can't believe you are having this kind of over-reaction, especially considering all the steps she's taken to prove her love to you.
Based on what you wrote, her change of heart is because she doesn't want to lose you, not because of guilt. Maybe there's a mix of both those things, why does it have to be one or the other? Either way, she has demonstrated where her priorities are, in every way.
I think it's time you prove your love to her. I think it's time you work on forgiving her, truly forgiving her. I think it's time to put on your big-boy pants and act like a husband. In other words, grow up.
Good luck to you. Congratulations on the baby.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 April 2010):
 If you cheat on her would be because you just don't really love her. She had lunch with an EX thats it! Lunch! How wrong would you be to try to hold her to her past in which she did not cheat, and this had an awesome outcome for both of you. Your are looking for an escape goat here you probably have a wondering eye and have found interest in someone else and are just trying to justify an infidelity. Dude grow up and respect you marriage. Can't find a reason for revenge, just see you ruining your marriage if you go forward with this.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 April 2010):
#1 You have no "right" to get revenge. It is an erroneous idea of our times. The eye for an eye thing will only get you a lot of blind people.
#2 It won't help. You will feel terrible, not justified.
#3 Now when everything is going well, why would you want to rock the boat? There is only one reason. It is because you haven't forgiven her. You will not be happy until you do and start trusting her again. She has done nothing to break your trust, except having a lunch with her ex. She probably needed to settle things with him once and for all. She has taken the steps to regain your bruised trust. By changing her number and cutting contact and devoting herself to you. The only time she slept with him was in your imagination, which you are using to torture yourself. None of this is a valid reason to hurt her. And Who are you going to "use" to do the deed?
Have you considered that your reason for wanting to cheat is boredom and lust? Let's get to the real root of the problem, one way or the other.
FA
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A
female
reader, AmandaSue +, writes (20 April 2010):
 No, no no no no. Don't do it. I was (still am) in a very similar situation. I left my bf, ended up sleeping with his close friend, ruined their friendship and ruined my relationship. We are now back together and he told me he only thought it was fair to do the same to me, sleep with someone else (to get even, even the score, whatever you wanna call it) I actually agreed to this! Needless to say, we realized this would badly impair our ability to MOVE FORWARD so he didn't do it. Think about it like this- you have a great relationship now- why risk it? You're going to take your relationship back to place that was very painful for you, only you're going to do it to her. It's not logical to "get evn" in this kind of situation. How can you move forward if you are stuck in the past? Think about it.
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A
female
reader, Redoctober  +, writes (20 April 2010):
Hi there,This woman is your wife and she is carrying your baby. She made a mistake sometime ago which she has paid for. She begged for your forgiveness and changed her behaviour. I personally think that if she didn't feel you were the man for her she wouldn't have done that. It makes no sense for her to change just because she feels guilty. She genuinely loves you and wants to be with you.You however must examine the real reason you feel the need to cheat and not try to justify that need with incidents in the past. Could you be apprehensive about the future? Do you want to lose your happiness over doubts that you have that honestly do not make sense?I would say get over the past and be happy. You have a wonderful family. Enjoy it. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): Did you post about this issue back when it happened? I remember a story just like this from a while back. That aside, I really do not think you should cheat. For one, cheating on your wife is going to have a many consequences: the guilt you will feel, the hurt it will cause her when she finds out you have cheated, the breakdown of trust in the relationship. Secondly, she had lunch with her ex when you guys were bf/gf. Yes, that was wrong of her and the fact that she didn't tell you makes it worse. However, from what you have said she seems like she has really changed. Does it matter if she changed because of the fact that she cheated or if it was due to you leaving and her realising that she loved you. It appears as it you have a wonderful wife, with a baby along the way. Why would you want to jeporize all this by something that has happened in the past. When you agreed to get back with her after she went to lunch with that guy, it is implied that you forgave her for what you did. In which case, you leave the mistakes of the past, in the past. You don't drag it up and seek revenge for it months or even years down the line especially now that you have married and almost started a family with her. If you felt that you couldn't trust her, you should have let her go back then. Getting her back now after so long and after so much has happened would be very very wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): You are really lucky. My BF cheats ( internet dating and facebook etc, he hasn't met anyone yet ) all the times, though he is nice to me. try pleasing me but i haven't had the gut to walk out yet. I tried doing the same thing to him but i couldn't, what's the point of all. if she finds out, it just gonna break everything you got at the moment. You gonna mess up the wonderful moment you experiencing. Believe it's not worth cheating back cause you gonna lose everything you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): You should not cheat for whatever reason you have. Try as much as you can to trust your wife. You dont have to suspect anything unless you have proof. By the way cheating does not help rather hurts. It will hurt you to find out that she didnt cheat while you did. The guilty will keep on eating you and take away your happiness. Show that you love her with all your heart and if she did cheat the guilty consiousness will eat her and not you.
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A
female
reader, rambini +, writes (20 April 2010):
 cheating is never acceptable, especially on your pregnant wife?! i think you need to let go of the past, and look at what you have now, a wife who loves you and a new baby on the way. you have no reason to believe and no proof that she has cheated, and forgiving someone means forgiving them properly and not holding it against them. you need to move on and certainly not use this as an excuse to cheat, before you lose your wife and your new baby.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (20 April 2010):
 You are being an eejit!! Your wife was given a second chance after seeing what she could have lost and has been loving you unconditionally since then. To show her love she has fallen pregnant with your child.Now you want to do the tit-for-tat story - she cheated on you so now you want to cheat on her.... be a grown up man and call the marriage quits NOW!!!You are looking for excuses to blame her so that you can behave badly and come out looking like the innocent.I urge you to find a counsellor and sort out your problems because you are obviously not over the fact that there was a hiccup in your relationship prior to your marriage.Oh.. and please dont use the line "love her with all my heart.." if you are considering cheating on this person???? You are lying to her and yourself and making your marriage out to be a lie.
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