A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, I've been dealing with this decision for some time now.. sometimes I feel I've made up my mind, then I come undone and feel confused again. I was with my ex for 3 years, we had a break as I felt he needed time to sort out his issues. During this time he slept with another girl and she got pregnant. I dont know what to do.. its been nearly 9 months since I found out and of course the kid is here now.. There were times where he was trying with the mother for the sake of the child, but he isnt with her now and says he cant be with her as he's not in love with her and still in love with me. He doesnt have a connection with the child and says he cant help it because it wasn't want he wanted (I have told him he needs to try harder as the child is innocent and deserves a loving father). He has promised to show me he is changing for the better, ie. he has started going to councelling which is something he put off before because he didnt think he had any problems. He is looking to get his own place (he currently lives on his brothers sofa) and he has been sending me flowers and notes because he feels he should have done that all along and just wants to make up for it all. My question is - what should I do. I love him so much, but I also dont trust him. He lied to me so much and put me thru hell.. Has anyone ever taken back someone who hurt them emmensley and it worked out for the better? I admit that when things were tough I didnt put in as much effort as I should have. Maybe if I did he never woulda slept with someone else. Do you think that with his councelling and maybe couples councelling that we can regain that trust and actually have a happy life together? I know people make mistakes, some learn from them and some dont. I have huge hesitation regarding this because his last gf he was with for 3 years he cheated on also... and i feel all the promises and flowers and effort are just part of his cycle and not really coming from the heart as he too promised her all changes.. any advice would be appreciated. I just want to know is it normal to still be inlove with someone 9 months on and thats ok but i will one day move on.. or is it because him and i are meant for one another, and i should stand by him and forgive his mistakes? He had a terrible upbringing as a child and I soley blame his parents for the person he has turned out to be, but im hoping with the help from his councelling, he can turn into the guy I know he wants to be. Im really stuck, do I stay and work with him (even though I dont know if he is telling me the truth) or do i move on and just let it be..I cant picture a life without him, he is the one i wanted to grow old with and have a family.. But how is that possible if i cant trust him or if he really hasnt changed.. I just dont wanna waste any more of my life, i dont wanna get back together only to find out months down the track hes still the same old guy he always has been. HELP!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks CaringGuy - I do understand that you shouldnt be with someone purely because you want to help them. And I also understand that you have to be happy within yourself inorder to be happy in a relationship - I am taking the time to focus on me and truly figure out what makes me happy and actually put me first for once. I believe people can change, but I also know it doesnt happen overnight, nor does it happen in a few months and it takes alot of discipline and willingness to do so, and in todays society with the amount of temptation to stop ones progress, its pretty much inevitable. Thanks for being honest.. I have forgotten those 2 big rules, but when I find myself down and thinking of him, I will have to remember them and that we are incharge of our own destiny and happiness in life.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 March 2010):
The are two big rules, both of which you have either never learned, or forgotten. If you can remember these, and always stick to them, you'll be fine.
1 - NEVER think someone can change. Changing is something that takes years and a HUGE amount of effort. In my opinion, 99% of people never change. The other one percent just about manage it, and it usually comes at a huge price.
2 - NEVER be with someone to try to help them be happy. You're not the mother of your boyfriend. You are his partner. You both have a responsibility for your own happiness.
I think you're a lovely girl, but you seem to have this thing about being needed by those who need help. Don't make that mistake. You will be the one left with nothing, and you'll be the one who is left resentful.
So take a loo at your own life, your own confidence, happiness, esteem. Instead of finding a man who needs help, find a man who can be happy for himself. Look at your own life and find out why you feel the need to act more like a mother to a man who clearly has issues.
An injured human is not like walking away from an injured puppy. It's more like walking into a pit of snakes. You'll just get hurt everywhere you turn.
Focus on yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ quiet-echo.. Your right in saying that he would have to be a changed man and be able to prove it for a few years, anyone can change for a few weeks/months and then go back to the same old person - so when you said that, it opened my eyes more. Also Ive always felt the same way, even before this has happened in regards to me wanting my first child to be the first of my husbands also.. I dont know why all of a sudden Im questioning my morals and what I want out of life just so maybe it could suit the situation Im in. Your also right in saying "keep life simple" I dont want to endure the childs mother and the drama she may bring if I were to take him back. (she has already caused problems when she heard I was entertaining the idea of taking him back)
@ the 2 anonymous posters - He is in his childs life, but he doesnt feel the bond (ive told him he needs to give it time and try harder with his child) but your also right in saying I will never be #1 anymore, my feelings, thoughts and plans in life will always come 2nd(if that). He did come straight back to me when I found out about it all - he begged me for months but I cut him out of my life, so he went back to her, hes the type of guy that always has to have a girl in his life, hes very insecure. I stupidly let him back into my life slowly and now Im all hurt again and its my own fault for letting his empty promises and tears fool my heart yet again.
I know this sounds stupid - but all Ive ever wanted to do was help him achieve a happy life, he had a terrible childhood and I just wanted to make him realise that his future didnt have to be the same way.. But throughout the 3 years we were together, he was making mistake after mistake, I caught him online trying to arrange hook ups, found disturbing msgs/photos in his phone to and from other girls.. everything like that.. and if i was an outsider looking in on what Ive been through, i would seriously slap myself and ask whats wrong with me and why I havent moved on.. I know he is no good for me, and as good as his promises sound right now, I just have to remember that they are probably empty ones, and even if he is going to change, we have too much bad history to ever really make us work again. I think its hardest because he was my first long term relationship and first love.. I am a very compassionate person, and I always just want to help others, especially him so I guess thats the main reason why its so hard to just let go.. to me I feel like its walking away from a injured puppy and not looking back, its too hard to do but I hope I can do it.
If anyone has any tips or suggestions on what I should do to help my progress to move on I would appreciate it so much, also any great books I could read. Thanks to every who has commented so far.
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female
reader, vovolady  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 hi omgosh im so glad u posted this b/c im like living this kinda same situation but different. My ex bf and i have been together over 2 years. We were living together and then at the end of our lease moved in w/ his mom, which just caused our great realtionship to go a little sour so for that and other reasons I moved away out for state. And we tried the long distance thing and about 2 months ago he says he needs space to figure out his issues. Then that didnt really go down cuz we're really close and so we talked like every day but instead of 5 times a day or more we talked like once or twice a day. Which he felt wasnt good enough event tho that was half his faut so he broke up with me. And so long story short he dated I dated, i had sex, he didnt. He hates me. But he loves me and i want him back, and i never cheated on him, i was always faithful, and I love him with me whole being. He is my soul mate, and i feel not only unwhole with out him, i feel like i cant breath. (so for the extented version of that story read my postings, and maybe you can offer some insite and perspective for me on the opposite end of things. like what would you have your man do for you to make it better if he could? that would be so appriciated.) Now as far as taking him back, id say lets focus on his issues first. Like what kind of issues is he abusive or a druggie, any thing big like that... no dont get back with him because those are things that dont fade. I know trust me. And yeh his parents msy have sucked hes a full grown man and needs to man up especially for his kid, i dont like that, he doesn't feel for his baby, bad mommy or not thats his baby. Its unnatural not feel for your child. But with all that said, I think if his issues arent to big, and that if your strong enough for any baby mama drama that may come your way, and you know in your whole self that he is for real, take him back. Thats what ive been trying to do with my ex, ive been trying to tell him, how damn for real i am. Im ready to take it all the way, and I made a really bad mistake, but I love that man. And i would give my life for him, and I want to give my life to him. But he hates right now, and Im so heart broken. Because we have the real thing. So you have the real thing and its broken you have to do what you can to mend it. Counsiling or what have you. What ever you need to get it together, because you love eachother, and whats more important than that?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 March 2010):
 There are no guarantees in life. Life is a gamble.You cannot predict the future and there are always risks. You can only minimize the risk.
You can always walk away from him and find someone better .If you think he is the one and are not afraid to suffer for the sake of love, accept him back and work around all those problems.
Give your best shot and if he comes up short, then you can go separate ways.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 March 2010):
No way. Not only has he hurt you, but he's deserted his child. What happens if you get pregnant? This guy just wants to eat all the cake. Let him go, or forever be hurt.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): Hi. Im just wondering what leaves you confused? You obviously loved him alot but he didnt and doesnt love you in the same way. When you took your break he should have been sending you flowers and promising to change and go to counselling then. But he didnt. I assume he went behind your back with another woman. He had sex with her without protection...which could have led to STD`s. Instead he came out of it with a baby! He didnt come straight back to you...he tried to stay with the other woman. When that didnt work, THEN he came back to you or tried to. As for the baby. He doesnt want anything to do with it? Nice guy!!
Hes messed up and feeling sorry for himself now, probably doesnt enjoy sleeping on his brothers sofa either.
Give him the bums rush. He has many years of paying support coming up and a new ex partner to fight with. Im sure that will keep him busy. Its time you moved on and found a decent guy who really loves and honours you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): one day he will want to be involved with the child, then its bye bye to you and all hope of him putting any effort in with you. i know because i have been there.
you will not be number one EVER again you know?
your feelings, opinions, plans will be second.
before you think about the trust issue, can you deal with that?
you say now he has no connection, but he will. he just has to learn how to be a father, then he will. how will you feel ?
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