A
female
age
30-35,
*vol Angel
writes:I had asked for help from MANY of the aunts and uncles out here when I found out I was pregnant, and the good news is that things are going well. I have told my parents and they are being very supportive, and my fiance is right by my side through everything.My fiance and I have decided that we are not in the right place to raise a child though, so we have decided to give the baby up for adoption, to give the baby a better chance at life with parents who are in a better place to support a baby than my finace and I are in at this point in our lives with only being 18. this will be an open adoption, (and I'm assuming most everyone here understands what that is) so I will still be able to have some form of relationship with the child as it fits the comfort level of myself and the adoptive parents.My question is, would it be wrong to get a tattoo in honor of my baby? I had planned to get a tattoo once my fiance and I started our family and have it be a teddy bear holding a balloon, and each child would have a balloon with their initials on it. Should I start the tattoo now after this baby? or wait until I have more children and start then and if the child wants to have a strong relationship with me, add their balloon then?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): I think its a bad idea. I agree there are ways to memoralize this baby, a tree, a locket, something...but not a tattoo. I will freely admit that i am not a fan of tattoos in the first place, though i have seen a few i liked.
Something you said at the end of your post really bothered me...
Should I start the tattoo now after this baby? or wait until I have more children and start then and if the child wants to have a strong relationship with me, add their balloon then?
If you are going to have a tattoo for every child then you do it at their birth, do not wait until you decide if you are going to have a strong relationship with the child. I personally think this is a very bad idea, and would only cause a child to feel more alienated. My mother and I were NOT the best of friends, in fact I was her thorn in the flesh. When I was around 12~13 years old, we butted heads on a daily basis. I was pretty rebellious and I married at 16. Thats when it all changed...My mother became my best supporter. I had two children right off the bat...the first a year after we married and the second 15 months later. So at 18 i had two babies....
If my mother hadve tattooed my sister and my brothers names on her arm, and left mine off, she wouldnt have had the chance to become close to me later. I am stubborn and i tend to have a hard time letting go of percieved hurts...and this would have been one.
I know that you didnt mean that you were going to hold it over their heads, be good or youre not going on....i just think that they should all start with an equal playing field. :)
I also want to say that i commend you for what you have chosen to do. I have friends who were unable to have children on their own, and someone somewhere made the difficult decision to give up their child. I know that it wasnt something you did easily...hugs and im proud of you.
I hope all goes well for you and for your family...you are lucky to have them there in support of you and your child and your decision. hugs again, mal
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (22 August 2010):
 I honestly think that a tattoo would be a very bad way to remember your child. For a start you are not going down the closed adoption route so you have access to the child. The image of your tattoo will be a permanent reminder of the adoption. I think adoption is terribly brave and if you go down that route then you can be sure that you are helping an infertile couple more than words can say. However, you have to be realistic about this. In my view, a tattoo is a bit casual as an expression of what you are doing. In years to come when your skin starts sagging (it happens to us all) then the tattoo may need to be removed. If it has emotional meaning to you then it maybe traumatic to have it lasered. There are other ways to remember your child. My sister in law planted a tree and made a memorial when her baby died five years ago. I know your baby is not dying, but you will still go through a period of bereavement caused by the separation. You might want to start a savings account for your baby. You may not have money now, but later on you could contribute to the college fund or something like that. It would be a positive, constructive gesture whereas getting a tattoo is about superficial cosmetic vanity at the end of the day.
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reader, Evol Angel +, writes (22 August 2010):
Evol Angel is verified as being by the original poster of the question to one of my answering aunts, Do not tell me I do not want this baby. if you had read my post you would see that my fiance and I are doing this in the best interests of the baby. I feel immense love for my child, and I want them to have the most amazing life they possibly can, and I cant give that to them. I dont WANT to give my baby away, but I know I can not give them the life they deserve.
and just a small clarification so there is no confusion as to the open adoption situation, I am going through a strictly open adoption agency, the only people who can go through this agency WANT open adoption.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): i dont mean this horribly at all and i totally support any people who choose adoption over termination but no you shouldnt get this babys initials done, when it comes looking in 18 years time what? "i didnt want you but look i got your initails tatooes?" its a nice idea but its a bit distasteful, your doing the right thing by giving your child away for adoption insted of aborting, but maybe a photo in a locket or something might be a better idea for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): there a programme called 16 and pregnant - one of the girls called catelynn also gave up her baby for an open adoption and got a tattoo to honour her daughter carly. So, it does happen and basically just wanted to let you know that its up to you. But be wary because if you get a tattoo, though it honours the baby it may also be a daily reminder of what you have given up. So it may be hard to have in the early days - just think about it and do what you want. You want it - do it - you want to leave it - do it .... the choice is yours :) Congrads on doing a wonderful thing for your child but be wary of open adoptions, because the adoptive parents can close the adoption at any time so make sure you know your rights etc.
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