A
female
age
36-40,
*alinestained
writes:I have been in a relationship for the better part of 3 years with a guy I absolutely adore. The beginning of our relationship was difficult- He is a social guy with lots of obligations (not sure if anyone has dated a drum line drummer but you would know what I mean)- and I am more of a homebody. There are some major differences in the way we live our lives but he balances me out and when I am away from him, I feel almost like I might fall down. The problem started last year around this time, In October he gets really busy and started to really ignore me. He has always taken me forgranted a little bit but last year it happened when I was at my weakest and I cheated on him. I broke up with him but at the same time we still talked and said "I love you" to each other. I had 3 different small relationships that all lasted less than 2 months and were never really happy. My boyfriend found out and we ended up apart for a while but after trying to stay away from each other we just wanted to be together more. I felt terrible and have been trying to make it up to him since last May, and lately things have been so much better.Last night while he and I were laying around together a friend of his who shows up often and unannounced came over. This friend and I do not speak at all so I stayed in the bedroom while he played a few xbox games with him in the living room. (this sort of thing happens a lot) anyways while I was in this room by myself I noticed his phone and did what any untrusting girl would do... I looked through his messages and sure enough he had ones to and from 3 different girls talking very flirtaiously about getting together and when they were going to see each other again. I texted one of the girls to ask her if they had something going on and she told me that she has known him for a year (he does a drumline for the Mavericks) and that the entire time he has always seemed single and never once mentioned a girlfriend. She said that they weren't seeing each other but that they had been talking about getting together. I confronted him about it and he told me that everyone of the girls knew who I was and that there was nothing going on and has yet to admit that he did anything wrong... He got really angry when I told him I texted one of the girls and told me to "get the **** out of his apartment". I am not sure where to go from here but would appreciate any advice other than - the two of you obviously aren't happy and shouldn't be together- trust me I've heard that...
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female
reader, Salinestained +, writes (31 December 2010):
Salinestained is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for advice... Just so you guys have an update, On Tuesday he was going to a game (a drumline gig) and I asked him to please avoid talking to the girls until I had a chance to speak with him on Thursday. He said he would, promised, swore and sounded sincere when he told me he would do everything he could to avoid speaking to them. Later that evening I got a text from one of the girls he was talking to and she said that she had talked to him right before the game! I called him that evening and he told me that yes he did call her and that he just wanted her to stop blowing up his phone... Then he told me that this was all my fault because I texted her. He said I put him in this position and that I made him be between the two of "us". He was yelling and then he said ... I don't have a girlfriend right now. I hung up and haven't said much to him since... I am supposed to go talk to him about it tomorrow morning since tonight he is back at another game...
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 December 2010):
 SalineStained (interesting name),
I liked your subject line a lot now that I have read it all I'm not sure this is the right response. But, I'm going to go ahead because it is true and you may find it helpful.
In order to be in a relationship a person needs to be able to forgive. They need to be able to put aside their pride. Because, mistakes are going to be made. Now along with that people in relationships need to be able to control their passions. You can not expect another person to be hurt over and over and keep forgiving you when you are doing the same thing over and over. Again we are only human and we have limits.
Now you are creeping into a dangerous territory. Score keeping. I have to forgive him because he forgave me. Three indiscretions on my part equals 3 flirty friends on his part. There is no limit on forgiving. You forgiving him is about you and him and this act. it has nothing to do with the past.
FA
P. S. When your relationship reaches a certain level of trust he will allow snooping. Obviously you haven't reached that level yet.
P. P. S. I'm much more worried about the fact that you feel compelled to hide in the room when his friends are over than that he regularly talks to other girls.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Yes you made a mistake in the past by cheating. You made a mistake, you are atoning for it, he supposedly forgave you since you got back together, it's in the past. Neither of you will forget it, of course, and you are both learning from it.
Given all that, do NOT let the guilt get to you to the point where you are allowing him to disrespect you. Do NOT let him use this as an excuse or reason to do whatever he is doing.
Yes, the texts are very suspicious, and his behavior is suspicious. Plus, you know he lied/is lying (he said they know about you, but obviously that girl you texted had no idea). And on top of that he told you to "get the @#$" out of his apartment? That was rude and disrespectful, though I can understand how upset he is.
I know you don't want to hear certain things, so I won't give you a bottom line. But are you okay with staying with a man who is lying to you and is probably cheating on you? Even if he's not meeting up with these girls, are you okay with being with someone who is texting other girls and flirting? I think that goes to his character, and as hard as it is, I would walk away, but that's just me...
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