A
female
age
51-59,
*icole1231
writes:My 6.5 yrs relationship has ended and I never thought the pain would be so great.A kind of relationship where I was giving more but receiving less emotion and love. It was a feeling like I was emotionally sucked/extracted but not receiving much in return as I was giving.Whenever there was something I demanded for myself, this person leaves the relationship and I have to lower my pride, ask for apology (even if it was not my fault).Because he was very much older than me, I thought because of our age gap I needed to understand him. He kept on telling me that our love was real, pure and honest but I observed he says one thing but acts the other way.Whenever there was something I said and he did not like it, he'd get upset and outrightly, he'd leave me. He will not speak and will completely ignore me like I do not exist at all. A silent treatment.He told me once that he has no emotions and can't fully understand emotional people but those signs I let it pass. I thought that was not very serious statement but it made sense. He lacks empathy.No wonder the poems I made, the love letters thanking him for loving me was not appreciated. He just said he was thankful and that was it.Whenever we fight, hardly he say sorry and most often no remorse. He blamed me many times I fell in love with him, blamed me I got stuck with him and I would jokingly answer him, IS IT JUST ME FEELING STUCK and IN LOVE? (though I was a bit peeved) He made me feel it was my fault falling in love with him.His behavior really confused me and drove me insane. I adjusted to his behavior because if I don't and if I don't come to his terms...he will leave and will not communicate as his form of punishment.Most often, I am the one's taking the initiative to communicate and resolve misunderstandings and whenever I reach for him, he gets worse by ignoring me. he will only talk to me again after countless times of begging. It hurts a lot for I felt his disrespect but I did it because I loved him.I went over through google just these past days trying to surf the kind of behavior he has. I found out he is a narcissist. He has the narcissistic traits...6.2 yrs I was with him and I was manipulated, dominated and controlled by him. No wonder I was feeling emotionally sucked.I love him soooo much but he hurt me sooo much too. I am at loss right now...so naive but glad I am not stupid...lol.I don't know how to let go of the pain...it haunts me always. I lost my self-esteem and there are times I hate myself for loving him that way, giving in too much and investing too much in the relationship. I did not know I was dealing with a narcissist.Should I forgive and let go of the past? He has no fault, he doesn't understand what he is doing...he has an emotional disorder. He lacks or no empathy...there is nothing I can help, he will not change.HE IS WHO HE IS.
View related questions:
fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, nicole1231 +, writes (17 August 2012):
nicole1231 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, guys. Your insights are very helpful and it feels good to vent the pain I am going through with you.
May God bless you all for being kind and generous in helping me and other people here in DC.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): No I don't think you should let go of the past otherwise you're doomed to repeat it again. I'm sure you don't want your next relationship to be like this one.
Letting go happens when you've reached a certain stage of emotional healing and understanding of the situation. It does not happen right at the very beginning, otherwise that means you did not learn anything.
I don't think you're ready to forgive him because you've only just left him. and he isn't remorseful and probably never will be. This sort of toxic relationship damage takes many years for you to emotionally heal from. Only time and distance can bring about healing. And only when you are healed, are you in a position to truly forgive the one who hurt you. When you're still in pain, you're not actually able to forgive. You have to be able to walk before you can run.
I think you should set the forgiveness issues aside for now. Put it on the back burner. There is no hurry to forgive someone who has hurt you so deeply for so long and who is still not the least bit remorseful. Maybe 10 years from now you can look back on this time and truly forgive.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): hon, you need to ditch this guy and leave him in the past. And then look within yourself and think long and hard about what made you stay with him as long as you did, and how can you make sure you don't fall into this mistake again in your next relationships.
He is Emotionally Abusive. You can google that and you will find that he is very typical.
And what's more, YOU are showing all the typical signs of someone who is in that kind of a relationship too.
what does that mean? it means that, if you read up articles on emotionally abusive relationships, they tell you what the future has in store for you and it will be true, don't think yours will be an exception. he fits all the signs of an emotionally abusive partner, and you fit all the signs of someone who has been tolerating it and staying in a relationship with him.
you see, it takes two people to perpetuate a relationship. He could have gotten with someone else, been his same Emotionally Abusive self, and that other woman might have put their foot down and left him long ago. Then there would be no relationship anymore. But you stayed on with him even though he was not treating you well, so you have a responsibility in perpetuating this cycle too because you did not leave you keep on giving him the opportunity to do his destructive behaviors. he would not have treated you so badly, if you hadn't stuck around to be his punching bag.
" I adjusted to his behavior because if I don't and if I don't come to his terms...he will leave and will not communicate as his form of punishment."
This is your problem- you adjust to all his behavior. (his problem is that he is emotionally abusive.) Of course he will never change, why should he? already this is the sign of a relationship that is not meant to be. Real relationships are mutual respect. not one-sided. you refuse to accept that and insist on staying on.
so you adjust to him, but why? simply because if you don't he will leave. Well, so what? let him leave. why do you want to keep someone who does not want a real relationship just wants to do his own thing and gain satisfaction from hurting others.
any hope of him changing is only if his partner leave him for this behavior. And if his next girlfriend also eventually leaves him for this behavior. and the next one after that. that is the only hope for him to change and even then he might not, that's entirely his own choice and nothing you can do about it. Some people are just never meant to be in any long term relationship because they do NOT have the emotional capability to be in one. other such people may some day learn and decide to change. but when you continue to stay with him, you're blocking this process from even having a chance to happen, and making sure he will NEVER change.
"I love him soooo much but he hurt me sooo much too. "
No, you don't love him. If you are not getting love from him, then what you are feeling towards him is not love either. You're feeling an insecure type of emotional attachment to him, and mistaking this as love.
love does not exist in a vacuum, it is a relationship between two people. This relationships sucks, let's be honest.
should you forgive and let go of the past? Not if you think that equates to staying in a relationship with him.
Forgiveness is not the same thing as continuing a relationship.
you can forgive someone and STILL keep them away from you with a 10 foot pole and refuse to have any kind of close relationship with them. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that now they should have total access to your life. but if you think that is what forgiveness means, then you're not ready to forgive, because you won't really be forgiving just opening yourself up to feeling even angrier in the future.
...............................
A
male
reader, hummm  +, writes (17 August 2012):
No do not forgive in the sense that you take him back but do forgive in the sense that you forgive yourself for being so blind. So many people, male and female have the gift of gab they can make you see what they want but and then the truth comes out but yet you are so blinded by the words you do not see the truth until one day like today you do...I suggest you forgive yourself move on in life and run not walk but run from this person as if you stay, stop , look ,listen , to more of the same BS you will only get hurt worse hope this helps and by the way I am a guy
...............................
|
