A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Most recently I had dated a man for 8 months; we were introduced by friends and hit it off right away.He asked me to be exclusive right away which my therapist back then said it was weird since he didn't know anyone thing about me or had never been with me physically. Long story short out right month courtship was spend going on dates with his family(family outings) - I got introduced right away as the girlfriend and social outings with his friends . Throughout my relationship with him we never had any arguments since most of the time we spend was doing things he liked- month three I noticed a wave of loneliness - my gut laying next to him in bed was saying that he put in the minimal- we alwere always on his schedule.Although he said the right things he never put the effort I did- so this made me hesitate to introduce him to my friends and family- fast foward month 7 I asked to go on dates alone and for more time and I got a break up over text- a cold text message just stating that I can't make the time you want. I was crushed and am crushed - we are both adults and my therapist said that this man is not a man- he is irresponsible - he doesn't take relationships seriously and only puts the minimal effort - You were a string of gifts that he probably did this to.We have been broken up for five months now- just last week he posted a pic with another woman he made his gf- I can't help but be upset- yes it's crazy this guy did nothing for me and had no respect but I'm stuck- my therapist told me that I should stick to the behavioral patterns he has - he doesn't respect relationships and makes minimal time- his personality won't change- it's up to me if I want to settle for a man like that - is my therapist right?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 October 2016):
 I agree with Cindy,
I think either you are analyzing your therapist's advice to suit YOUR ideas or you should be having this conversation with your therapist.
As for asking for exclusivity right out of the gate, it makes sense to me. I (as an adult woman) would NOT want to date several guys at the same time, playing "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe", nor would I want to date a man who is seeing multiple women. I think it's a way to SHOW that you are SERIOUS about getting to know ONE person and see if they are a good match.
Would I be OK with "family" dates for 7 months? No. I would have brought that up after the first 2-3 dates with his family and friends. That the POINT of dating is for US (the two of us) to get to know one another, family and friends can be worked into the relationship later on.
Would I be OK with all the dates were on HIS terms, with HIS interest? Again, no. And again I would NOT have waited that long to bring it up.
You mention how you lay in bed and felt a "wave" of emotions, but you didn't discuss it with him. You EXPECTED him to read your mind and fulfill YOUR needs too. And he didn't. Because he is NOT a mind reader.
And it could be part of HIS culture. Which again I can respect, but that might also be a reason it wasn't a good match.
Get off his Facebook. Stop looking him up. It's a waste of time and energy. HE was NOT a good match. That's it. MOVE on.
You are putting the blame squarely on him, but really... he didn't JUST break up with you because you wanted to go on a date alone. He broke up because he sensed your unhappiness, he sensed your reluctance to include him in YOUR family circle as he had done with you. My guess is, he realized EARLIER than you, that it wasn't going to work.
Next time when you meet a man, don't be so passive in the decision making. Don't settle for scraps if you want a full meal. KNOW your standards. And stick to them.
And if a relationship doesn't work for you. IF it makes you feel LONELY when you lie RIGHT next to that person, TALK to them or END it.
Relationships aren't about one person SUCKING it up and the other making all the choices. You have a say. Don't WAIT around for your partner to become a mind-reader and do things YOU want in ways YOU want.
Overall, I think you dodged a bullet with this guy. You just need to TRUST in your own instincts. The ones that told you after 3 months that the relationship made you feel LONELY. That is a HUGE clue to you. It means you were unfulfilled. It means he wasn't a good match. The fact that you two weren't fighting, well no wonder if you held back to such a degree and just meekly followed his lead. What would there have been to fight over? And fighting in a BRAND new relationship is NOT a sigh of great romantic emotions or care for each other.
It's a sign of 2 people who can't compromise ,communicate and who aren't compatible.
Chin up. Learn from this dating adventure and try again.
A
male
reader, 11muds11  +, writes (19 October 2016):
I'm sorry your in this predicament. I hope you can find some solace that will help you build better relationships.
But, I have to admit, I do find your therapists ways rather strange.
A mass majority of people I know, starting dating exclusively pretty early on. Everyone is different, but it seemed to work for them. There are no divorces in my family tree, and almost all of my friends are in extremely healthy and happy marriages. Of course, not everyone has to do it this way or should they. You should do it whatever feels best for you. And each relationship is different, and has it's own special culture.
Maybe your therapist was trying to help you because sometimes some people get too involved too quickly? OK, I can see that. But to try suggest his own cultural rules on someone else feels odd. You can still date casually and exclusively very easily. You have to do what is best for you, and every relationship is different.
Also, for next time, if you questioning the way you are dating, that might not help with openness. That doesn't explain your ex's behavior, of course, but it might been something he noticed.
I very much agree with Fatherly when it comes to getting your needs met. Sometimes we need to express to our partners what we need as things start to move in a relationship. If you care about them, you'll figure it out, and just by talking, you help the relationship grow.
And if you're questioning your therapist, that's not great. Might be time for a fresh set of ears.
Hope this helps
Good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 Pardon me, but are you sure you are quoting your therapist and not attributing her what you think and feel ?
I am a bit perplexed- it is obvious that you ( and your therapist ) have certain rules and expectations about how a relationship should start and progress and be- nothing wrong with that and with having personal preferences, but, if not you , your therapist should know that these are not universal, unchangeable laws and different people may have different rules and expectations- which does not make them necessarily wrong or bad, - just incompatible with you.
I find curious , for instance, that you- and your therapist- deem weird that he wanted to be exclusive before you had had sex together.
Well, that was absolutely the norm until maybe a couple of decades ago. Now, Internet dating has multiplied the choices and the way we think about relationships, and people is more open to casual dating or multiple dating; nevertheless there are still tons of people who would not DREAM of becoming sexually involved with somebody unless before they knew for sure that they ARE exclusive : and this both in old fashioned Europe and young, forward thinking USA. There are STILL a lot of people who do not like to think of dating as a perennial contest for Best in Bed .
Just saying. Anyway, another thing that personally I find a bit strange is that apparently your therapist is encouraging you to blame and point fingers- and how this can help you, maybe she will know, but I surely don't.
I am not saying that your ex was a perfect gent. Maybe he was not . Maybe he was a jerk, maybe he was an idiot. BUT he was the jerk and the idiot with whom you have chosen and meekly put up with for 7 months ; WHY ?
It's not criticizing him that you will get unstuck- it's understanding what you did to contribute to this fiasco, so that you can make better choices in future. You felt neglected, deprived of intimacy. You felt that you did not get enough time and attention, and that you always had to do only what he liked- and you don't say anything for 7 months ?... Why ? If there's something wrong, you speak up , so it can be fixed. Of course the other person will only work with you to fix things if you are important to them,if they CARE. When they don't , the reaction is just what your ex had : " this is the menu in my restaurant, if you want something different, go eat somewhere else ". But at least you would have known it at once, and would have saved yourself much chagrin and waste of time. What was the point of standing there like patience on a monument for 7/ 8 months , only to find out that you didn't want the same things from the relationship - and then of getting mad because he does not want the same as you ?
I think by now it's even pointless for you to debate if he is or is not capable of " putting effort " and taking relationship seriously, or if he'll keep disappointing also his future girlfriends.... what do you care, at the end of the day. It's not skin off your nose anymore.
What , IMHO, you should get help with, is learning to understand what exactly are your emotional and relational needs, how functional and realistic they are, and how to go about having them fulfilled in a healthy relationship, without having to cling for months , if not years, to a situation that does not bring you any joy or gratification.
In short : you have to change yourself, not him !
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 October 2016):
 I agree that if you are working with a therapist then you should either heed their advice or question it with them.
I also wonder why you have not blocked him on social media. If you had you would not know of this new GF.
It sounds to me like he was fine having a GF that he did not have to make any changes or compromises for. That it was his way or the highway. This means YOU would never get to do things you wanted unless he approved. That is not a fair and even relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 October 2016):
 Tell me more about minimal effort? It appears from your description that he was loyal but uncreative. He also seemed to have a preconceived notion of what a relationship is, that didn't include emotional depth. I was quite taken aback by his breakup line, "I don't have time for you". It looks like he used you as an ornament to build up his self worth. See here is proof I have a girlfriend.
I have two bits of advice for you before you get back to me on what was missing in your relationship.
1. If you are going to pay a therapist for advice you should either accept the advice or stop paying for it.
2. It is ok to be exclusive early, but it is also ok to break off a relationship that isn't filling your needs. You waited too long to ask for what you needed.
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