A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 21 years and together for 28 years and i have 3 children.I got myself in a real difficult situation. About 3 years ago i meet this women she is married with 4 children. Our kids go to the same school and we are both into triathlons and endurance running. She trained with a fitness group and i had always trained on my own. After a few months went by i decided to join her group as it sounded like a good group. They organised events away and it seemed like a change from training on my own. Well as the months went on my friendship with this women grew strong.We started training together and keeping in contact with each other more than we should of.We both knew this was not right and many a time we broke contact with each other and tried to avoid each other so we could concentrate on our families. Because our kids went to the same school our paths crossed constantly and we would always seem to get back to training together as we had so much in common going right back to child hood where we both lived only 5 blocks from each other so our upbringing is very similar. To cut a long story short we both loved each others company and found more and more excuses to bump into one another. I had always felt strong feelings for her but she was married i was married so i always knew nothing would happen apart from being friends and i was happy to accept this as i would prefer her in my life at some degree rather than lose her for good. During this time of 3 years i found myself withdrawing from my wife i became cranky and hard to live with all i wanted to do was train and compete in ironman events and run marathons i started to put my family second and my obsession with fitness was killing me i was only happy training and that meant being with this other women. My marriage was falling apart because of me but i didnt have the will power to stop doing what i was doing. The women became my training partner and both of us loved being together and this was causing huge friction between my wife and myself and the other womens husband and herself. I wont go into detail but it was getting messy. The final straw was her husband storming into my wifes work pointing out the fact i was having an affair with his wife (BTW i wasnt having a sexual affair it was an friendship affair which i found out is just as bad but without sex). I moved out of home as the friction was ruining the kids and i didnt want the kids living under a roof where there was constant friction. To make things more complicated the other women also moved out of home. we both got separate places as i refused to move in with her with out thinking about what i really wanted, I hate myself for letting myself getting into this situation i wish i had the foresight to see what was happening was only going to end in hurt. Now i am in love this other women i am happy with her but i wont commit as i see the hurt in my kids eyes and the hurt i have caused my wife. My relationship with this other women did move on to a sexual relationship and she wants me to commit to her but i am not ready. She is very strong willed and is willing to leave her husband for me. I feel something inside me saying this is wrong and go back to my marriage but i have this feeling for this other women that has for three years drawn us together, she loves me and i know i love her but i try to fight these feelings for her. I try to push her away but keep on coming back. I know i am hurting both everyone around me now and i just wish this whole nightmare would end one way or another. Should i comes to terms that i fell out of love from my wife because of this other women and move on or should i cut ties with this other women who i do love and have created this life with for 3 years. I know what ever happens my kids will never except her and her kids me. Life will become a lot messy before it gets better.Do i follow my heart and think of my own happiness or should i do the right thing and try and work on my marriage which is in tatters and may not survive as the trust my wife had for me is gone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): You left your wife 3 years ago when you made running your mistress and decided to withdraw and treat her cruelly. Luckily for you, you had a partner in crime and now you have someone to go to now that you've killed your marriage. Your wife, however, has to rebuild her self-esteem and her life. She's probably wondering what she lacks: I am pretty enough? Am I sexy enough? Will anyone ever want me now that I'm older? Your children now have to go to school with the kids who are getting their daddy's time.
Follow your heart? You don't have one.
A
male
reader, dsatg1 +, writes (13 June 2010):
One thing i have learnt from this mess is you find out who your true friends are people are quick to judge without knowing all the facts. I spend every minute iam awake trying to make sense of what i did and which direction i should take. Rescuer your right if this other women really loves me she would be a little more patient. I have only been out of home 3 to 4 months iam still getting over the fact that i even left my family let alone take on a new relationship at a 100 miles an hour. She cant understand as she says if i truly loved her i would be honest with my wife and tell her i love her but i cant bring myself to do that as i know my wife still loves me and even thou i fell out of love with her i still care about her and always will.My wife and i have built up over the years quiet a comfortable life style owning property in sydney and country properties so you mentioned this other women might be after me for my money that has crossed my mind but you dont get to 47 years old and not be suspicious.You also mentioned am i scared finishing my old life as i know it and yes iam scared but the other women says to me love always wins so follow my heart and if i truley loved her i would move forward with her. I do love her but i wont move until i know iam sure i want this and if i lose them both then i will have to live with that.
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male
reader, rivi  +, writes (13 June 2010):
Well what a mess !
You know what the right [morally] thing to do is - try and patch up the marriage for the sake of the innocent parties in all this.....
But is that now even possible ? Would your wife have you back ?
You should never have created the situation but the fact is you did and that is where things stand.
Can you even be confident that if there were divorces all round and you and the new person were free to live together full time that it would even be happy ? With all that GUILT around my guess is not.
I'm sorry but I see bleakness in every direction : but the least unhappy option would be to totally cut off from your gf and return to the wife and kids - IF - big iff - they will have you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Hi - I came down the same track as you and have created the same impossible and tantalising situation. Our details are very very similar. The correct answer is to have never started out with a friendship outside marriage, but once that has happened, it cannot be undone. In my view, you/we have to make a hard choice, and accept that neither option is going to be jolly or everything you wanted any more. We are lucky in some ways to have a choice - most wives cut and run immediately. Good luck to you in life's journey.
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