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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I shall attempt to hold back going into excruciating detail. I love my best friend (who is male) as more than a friend and have done so for at least 2 years.However he has recently been saying he is in love with a girl he met once over a year ago and has been in love with her since he met her despite having been with other girls during this time and having had no contact with her in the last 10 months beyond having had a brief conversation on IM. My friend confuses me hugely; I mean our relationship has veered into sexual territory in the past however he seemed genuinely thrown by me reacting badly to him telling me he was in love with this girl. The thing is, from what I know of her she is very similar to me in both looks and personality plus we are the same age. My friend (the guy) has actually acknowledged this however he says I possess "too much lateral thought" which she doesn't, making her a better candidate for a relationship with him. This also confuses me - I mean she doesn't seem to have any interest in him as either a friend or a romantic partner and from his few conversations with her, which he has copied and pasted to me, they don't seem to have anything to talk about i.e. the conversation comes across as sort awkward small-talk that is heavily disengaged on her part.According to (my friend) she is, "the most beautiful girl he has ever seen" so I guess I have become brainwashed by his assertion. Recently I've become slightly obsessed with studying photos of this girl and the way she writes about herself on websites and trying to emulate that and accentuate our similarities, however I think I kind of fail on that regard and just end up looking stupid. I also realise this is not normal/healthy.My friend claims she is "his only chance of genuinely attaining happiness and companionship" (yeah he can be fairly dramatic…) but I don't really understand why. I'm not saying she isn't attractive and I mean she seems nice enough from reading her profiles on websites but the sheer level of his praise for her seems somewhat hyperbolic.Scarily, I’m actually wondering what I should be doing to make myself more "suitable" for him? I mean by all accounts I would have think in a less lateral way but I'm not sure how to do this and I also think he's wrong about this being what he actually wants, given he thinks in a very lateral way and is unable to hold a conversation with her presumably on the basis she doesn’t.I really don’t know what to do to make him think I’m good enough…P.S. I know I sound pathetic – but this is all anonymous, right?
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female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (15 August 2011):
 You can't make someone love you. With all your similarities, you are not that girl that he is in love with. You cannot make yourself into that girl, because you will always be you.
The problem with this situation is, you're asking the wrong question.
What you should be asking is why you're settling for someone who doesn't care about you in a romantic way, who has enjoyed your attention and affection and used you for sex without returning any of the same romantic attachment that you want.
You are worth more than this. There are men out there that are even better than your male friend, that will not use you, that will appreciate you and love you and return the affection and romantic notions that you need.
Your relationship with your male friend is EXTREMELY unhealthy. As much as you'll probably hate seeing me say this, you know in your heart I'm right...you need to STOP hanging out with him, period. Cut him out of your life. Go through a mourning period, get over him, then go out there and find yourself a boyfriend that will LOVE and appreciate YOU.
If you continue hanging out with your male friend, the contact will make getting over him impossible. Tell him the truth, that you can't continue being his friend because he doesn't return the romantic feelings that you have for him, and that it's unhealthy for you to continue hanging around him because you won't be able to find a relationship suitable for your needs if you're still in love with him.
Tell him that you're sorry, and maybe in the future you two can be friends again, but you have to do this FOR YOU.
Don't use this as a plot to try and get him to pay attention to you, be serious about it. Cut him OUT of your life, get over him and then go find a boyfriend that loves you. That is the ONLY way you'll ever have normality in your romantic life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): Sorry but i think you deserve more and you can't make him love you. This answer sucks i know but it's the sad truth. Love needs to go both ways...
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