A
female
age
36-40,
*tarburstGrin
writes:Last night, I was talking to my boyfriend's roommate's girlfriend, and she told me that when him and I were on a break a couple months ago he shared with them that he didn't know if I was the one. (we've been together for almost 5 years). She went downstairs and he came upstairs and saw me crying so I told him what she he had said. He said he never told them that and it wasn't true... so I asked him why he never talks about our future and having children and he just kept saying I shouldn't listen to her. So I told him that I didn't want to be there anymore and that I was going to go because I need a relationship of that length and the man I am with to be as sure of our future as I am. So then he went up to the girl yelling and furious and told her she is not welcome in his house anymore! And then he talked to her boyfriend and then she came up to me and asked what happened so i told her what he said and then her boyfriend told her he needed to talk to her, so I just left. My boyfriend was inside pissed... Please give me your input on what is going on here... Am I crazy? I feel bad for starting such drama! What do you think his take is? What do you think I should do? Should I find someone that knows he wants me without still considering it five years down the road? Please help!
View related questions:
a break, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (14 November 2011):
I think you could have handled the situation differently so that it didn't snowball and lead to everyone getting angry at everyone else...
When she told you what your bf supposedly said, you could have left the place to be by yourself and calm down a bit and then talk to him in private. Instead of reacting in a knee jerk manner, blindsiding him, threatening to leave him when he didn't answer you appropriately immediately (and really, how was he supposed to answer you in a way you wanted, given how you had just put him on the spot and were already highly reactive. He denied what the other girl said yet that did not calm you down).
when you are still highly upset and reactive, that's not the time to be "sorting through" important issues or making important decisions. when you highly and negatively emotional you're unlikely to talk to people in a way that will lead to honest information and truth sharing, because you are putting them in an uncomfortable position where nothing the other person says or does is the correct response.
What should you do now? you could end this relationship now and look for someone new, but your conflict resolution skills still leave some thing to be desired which means something similar may happen in your next relationship. You have not heard your boyfriend's side of the story, and yet you are ready to break up with him, based only on what a third party told you he said. this is not a healthy way to be in any relationship. Even if you break up, doing so in this way is unlikely to allow you to grow from your experience and do better next time.
It could be that she is right and your boyfriend really feels the way she said he does. But the thing is, you don't know if that's true or not, until you hear it from him yourself. And that means you need to TALK to him and COMMUNICATE with him to hear his side of the story. And you need to invite him to be honest with you, without making it 'scary' or uncomfortable for him to be honest with you (for example, getting reactive and highly upset and threatening to leave in a huff if you don't hear what you want to hear, is not the way to encourage someone to be honest with you).
Set aside a time with him to talk about this issue. tell him ahead of time that you'd like to discuss this so he can be prepared. Don't bring it up on the fly and blindside him with raw (negative) emotion. Then work on being calm and just listening to what he has to say regarding how he sees this relationship, or his plans for his life and how you fit in.
It may very well be that if he's completely honest he may tell you that he doesn't want to marry you and have kids. Or maybe he doesnt' want to get married and have kids anytime soon whether it's with you or anyone else. If he tells you this, resist the urge to react negatively.
Finally, ask yourself if it really is a deal breaker if your boyfriend truly doesn't know if you are "the one" for him. After all, you two were "on a break" meaning that there was mutual acknowledgment that the relationship wasn't quite right. Relationships take time to grow and mature, some longer than others. To me it seems a bit premature to break up with him based on this, if he has always behaved and talked honestly, without misleading you or lying to you.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I really don't understand why you took it so personal. At the end of the day the both of you where on a break, so this indicates something was not right in the relationship for you two to be on a break, so obvious he needed to think about the relationship while you where on that break and needed to ask himself are you really the one. I don't think you should have let this get to you now, you both were not together at the time, and his room mates girlfriend should not have brought that up, it sounds to me like she just wanted to stir things.
...............................
|
