| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My ex of almost 4 years and I broke up over a month ago. The thing is, it's been really hard for both of us to let go. We still love each other a lot. However, prior to breaking up, I'd been feeling drained in the relationship. It was because he didn't trust me at all and also because he had retroactive jealousy, but it was really like an obsession. I had stopped talking to male friends, etc., just to avoid trouble. We had a great connection, though, because we have similar tempers and thus understand each other, and we also have practically everything in common. We just click and make each other laugh all the time. He's the one person in my life who has ever "got" me and with whom I have developed such a connection. Not even friends or family.But the problems is we used to fight a lot because of the lack of trust, my self esteem started suffering, because he even called me names and I always felt like I was not enough. I also felt paranoid too, and didn't trust him because I thought that in any moment he might meet someone better and he'd leave me. Someone more pure and worthy.He screwed up. I'd told him if he ever broke up with me one more time (he had a habit of dumping me and taking me back), it'd be over for good. He promised it'd be the last time. But just a few days after that, he broke up with me again, I reminded him of the promise he'd made and asked him if he was really sure, and he said he was.Ever since we've been apart. But every day I miss him more! It seems like he has changed, but how can I know if he has changed for good? Plus, my friends tell me that everything he did during the relationship was horrible (and they don't even know about the name calling), and tell me if he once was controlling he'll always be, no matter how much it seems he's changed. He tells me, though, that now he realizes what a fool he was for not trusting me, and how much time he wasted being jealous, etc. My friends say this may be just desperation or emotional manipulation 'cause he's obsessed, but that it's not love.I don't know what to do. Because, sure, I love him, but sometimes when we hang out I have this feeling that something's not right, and I can't forget or even forgive him for name calling me and everything. It's like being with him, I still feel like a dirty whore even if he doesn't do or say anything to make me feel that way (quite on the contrary, he's been as romantic as he never was during the relationship!), and I still feel pangs of jealousy and insecurity.But then these days I've had a feeling of telling him to get back together, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. What if he is the one, after all? But what if he isn't? Crap... I can't take the doubts anymore, nor can I take breaking his heart all the time, I don't know what to do.I guess the question is: should I get back together with him? A friend once told me that true love can overcome all issues, but others have told me to just move on and find someone less complicated. On the other hand he's suffering a lot and is convinced I'm the one and only. He's really sweet and romantic, and that confuses me.
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broke up, get back together, jealous, move on, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Listen to your friends they are the mirror of your relationship, they see what is going on and they feel how much you are hurt in this relationship and your BF doesn't even care about your feelings, your friends do.
You know your friends are right, and your feelings are right but because of your great love for him, you stay in your belief that he will change and you can move on together. But don't you think you are just fooling yourself and setting up yourself again to failures and be hurt again? Honestly, the truth right now is you still have the doubts, your feelings are confused and you will not be healed until such time you will give yourself a chance to step back and slowly find the inner attachment again back to yourself. You are at lost both emotionally and mentally. You need space for yourself to think clearly by then you can make good decisions for yourself, think what is good for you and what is best for you.
My dear, be strong, do this for yourself. Heal youself to rebuild your self-esteem, your self-respect. Set your foot on the ground with your heads up high. Set some standards and everyone will respect you, men will respect you.
I would like to end my message with these lines:
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.
BE STRONG BE A WOMAN WITH STRENGTH...BE ONE.
Take care of yourself!
sweetiebabes
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 You have good friends who have been telling you over and over what you haven't been able to admit - that this guy is bad for you. He will *not* change. Fast forward to if you guys move in together and get married. His worst behavior and treatment of you will only WORSEN. What is worse than treating you like an emotional punching bag?
Treating you like an ACTUAL punching bag. And you'll take it for the same excuses you're making now: He's "suffering". He wants to "change". You're his "only". He's the one who "gets" you. Do you not see what you just said to us? You placed him ABOVE your friends and family, yet he's the one grossly emotionally abusing you, yet your friends and family have got it right about him.
You need to DROP him. Ignore his claims of "change" and ignore his victim manipulation (i.e. you're making him "suffer"). Whenever you get romantic nostalgic feelings for him, write a list of every name he's called you and then tear it up. Then find a guy who doesn't treat you like this, and work on your own self esteem regarding your worth.
He is a leech. He leeches out your negative feelings and feeds off of them like a blood sucking vampire. Why else does he break up with you over and over again? HE gets off on the drama and making you feel horrible. Don't let him get away with it.
If you go back with him, you will drive your friends crazy (the ones who are listening to you vent) and I swear to you - you will lose them because of it.
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