A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to start by saying that I hope what I'm about to write doesn't appear selfish as its really not my intention.I have 3 really close friends and we have all know each other since school (give or take 12 years). We are all married and 2 of my friends have children and 1 is pregnant with her 1st. My husband and I don't have children - this is our personal choice (we don't want children).Anyway- every time we meet up for dinner or a drink othe subject always evolves around their children - don't get me wrong I like hearing about them and seeing pictures but an entire evening of baby talk does annoy me somewhat.I appreciate when you are a parent your life changes and your children are your priority- I get that however something happened recently which really upset me...My father had a bad accident and ended up in a coma. My husband was away in another country with work and was struggling to get a flight back and I desperately needed my friends to talk too as I was so upset and I couldn't burden my mum and sister as they were also just as worried as me.My friends organised a night to come round to my house to see me but when they arrived they just briefly asked how I was and how my dad was doing and then immediately started talking about their children! I just felt completely dismissed! Why couldn't they just for 1 evening- or even 1 hour just listen to my worries? I desperately needed someone to talk to- they knew this but as usual they made the evening about their kids! After they left I just cried- I never felt more alone.Im beginning to wonder if I need to find some new friends or distance myself from them. Is this harsh? Am I right to feel upset? I don't feel I can confront them about their behaviour....
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (18 August 2015):
I think you need to find some people, even casual acquaintances, who you can hang out with and go places with without listening to talk about kids. I worry that I will be in this situation soon as quite a few friends/acquaintances of mine have kids and I am 26. I dont intend on having kids either, at least not anytime soon. I think it was insensitive of them and a bit selfish to go on about their kids when you were clearly very upset and needed a listening ear.
Perhaps joining a class or hobby, or even socialising a bit more might enable you to meet more like minded people. I dont know if you are an animal lover but something animal related would be a good way to meet childless people since some animal lovers choose to have their pets as their "furbabies". Best wishes x
A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (17 August 2015):
You're not being selfish at all. Friends come and go. Often because of life changes e.g focusing on their career's or getting married. Yes, when you become a parent your life tends to be about family, kids etc. Not always though. Everyone is different but your kids should really come first right?I am slightly older than you but single with no kids. I have good friends who are married with kids. I adore my friends but when we get together we don't seem to have as much in common as we once did. They have had kids etc I have done well in my career and neither of us can relate to one another. I want to talk about my future goals work wise and they want to talk about their beautiful families. I adore my friends and their kids but it does become overwhelming when they talk about their kids a LOT.So I tend to relate better to career minded people like me. I'm not being selfish or a snob but I am all about my career right now and need friends OR a boyfriend in a similar place as me. I tend to now make friends with single's with no kids like me or couples like you and your husband. Not having kids is your choice likewise with having kids. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with some pretty difficult personal problems. I'm sure your friends love and adore you. However what you need in terms of support they may not be able to give you. Don't cut your friends off though, just let nature and time do it's thing. These friendships may fade naturally or improve in time. Right now, make friends with people just like yourself and focus on you.You can have fun and be happy without friends until you make new friends whom you share a similar lifestyle with. As you seem to have some personal problems right now, focus on them and you. Also feel free to ask for our advice and help with those problems. We're always happy to help.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2015):
 People with kids.. (I'm one of them) can talk about other things than kids, but parents end up having a life revolving around their kids. It's pretty natural. Some are able to "walk and chew gum" (basically able to adapt to whatever situation they are in and behave appropriately) for instance at work, you (as a parent) don't talk non-stop about your kids, out to dinner with friends, or a date night with the spouse...
Others get a bit "stunted" in their social skills. Because ALL they can talk about is the kids. From the color of their poo to the picking out band-aids with comic character on at the store...
I think your friends are in the latter category (for now).
So yes, BRANCH out met other people who are more like yourself in your choices.
Find people you can rely on for support, these friend you have now... think showing up is support enough.
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (16 August 2015):
Namaste,I completely understand your situation - I do not intend on having children either, but most of my friends do already, or will have children.First I would like to tell you that you are completely justified in feeling hurt - your father was in a serious condition, and you needed to talk to your friends, and they were going on about their lives. That is hurtful, and a little selfish of them.That being said, I do not think that their behaviour is this way because they're parents. I know lots of people that do have children, but that doesn't mean that every conversation they have must revolve around that same topic - especially if they're there to offer another friend support. So it seems less a characteristic of parents in general, and more a characteristic of these friends of yours in particular.You should definitely go ahead and make new friends - and I am sure that you will find other couples that are parents, and are also empathetic as well.You have said that you do not want to confront them, but let me just say that I was in a situation recently, where there was (as it turned out) a misunderstanding between a friend and I. However, like you, I HATE confrontations, and simply made up my mind that it was something else, which it wasn't, and that led to us falling out for a huge amount of time. When we finally made up, we realised that the issue was blown out of proportion in each of our heads, and that if we'd just spoken to the other, we'd both have saved so much time and energy, and could have shared so many happy moments together.Now I'm not suggesting that your situation is blown out of proportion - it isn't, and like I said, it's totally understandable that you feel hurt.But think of it this way - these two have been your friends for more than 12 years. That must mean something - you three must have shared so many emotions together. That bond is definitely there, else you wouldn't have been friends for this long. So what I'm saying is - tell them. It could just be a simple, hey that day, I was really low and needed your support and you were only talking about yourselves - I felt bad. And they will definitely explain their behaviour - either they'll feel sorry you were hurt, or else..Perhaps you'd find that they changed the topic just to get your ind off that terrible accident and think about something else for a while. They're your friends, so tell them how you feel. :)Hope your father is fine now.. Best wishes for your life ahead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): as your friends are preoccupied with their children and new loyalties are being forged i suggest you book a proffessional counsellor and to have some time to download, especially as you have a major bereavement to talk about. It might work for you to slot your friends in under the "great- but -not -really available -for -me "category as its important for them to absorb themselves in their family lives, swapping anecdotes and keeping an eye out to make sure littlun dosent accidentally swallow a button.Your lives have taken different pathways but you can deal with this magnificantly by throwing a friends and kiddies party once every six months where you are the guest of honour and have time to hear their gossip.Sometimes your tales of your latest achievements or holiday will have them at home crying into their pillows too exhausted even to wonder why life is so unfair and they just cant do it all.Remember it is important for them to protect the little group of mums and younguns as it is basically about survival. You meanwhile are free to explore new ideas and network in different ways.
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