A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my ex-husband and I live together and take care of our kids we have had no sexual relations in over 2 years he hasn't even tried. he doesn't kiss me or tell me he loves me. He doesn't even touch me in anyway. I have talked to him about it. he said he would try harder but nothing. I just take care of the kids and the house laundry etc. pay the bills, grocery shop etc. we had separated for awhile and I had a sexual relationship with someone. nothing serious, just sex we use to work together. I stop seeing this person after we got back together, but I started seeing this person again because I am so lonely. I wait for a year for him to come around he didn't so I went back to my friend. but at times I feel guilty. should I feel guilty.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Yeah, I'm incredibly harsh OP it's not said with offence in mind.
OP I understand people think sacrificing their happiness, their life, their fulfilment is best for their children because their children get to play happy families with two parents.
But it's bullshit in my opinion. So they have an alco dad who is a complete mess and an extremely lonely, unhappy mother who breaks her back to make everything just tick along, one who is dying inside and her only outlet is to cheat? How does that benefit them? How is that the best situation for them?
Did the idea of removing them from that horror show and having a happy, independent mother raise them not cross your mind?
OP I was raised by a single mother who had a long term very shit relationship with a man, she too thought it would be best for me to have two parents, yet never thought it would be in any way bad for me to hear her crying alone in her room, or to have her flip out over the most minor of things all the time, or just mope about the place lost in a daze because she was exhausted from it all. Yeah because apparently the "happy family" show is more important than actual happiness of the parent.
Apparently kids are just ignorant to the plight of their parents, they float along on a cloud of knowing nothing is going on and don't get affected by their parents well being?
No OP, two unhappy parents are not better than two separate parents where at least one of them is enjoying their life.
OP they'd benefit more from you being happy, free and living a life you're happy with than they would of you just falling to pieces and holding yourself together with another guys affection.
OP a happy mother is the most important thing in the world to a child. We can't always be happy of course but we do have to know when we have to quit.
I think the only thing you're really guilty of here OP, is letting things get to the point where you've given up so much of yourself there's almost no happiness left in you as a woman.
I have no doubt in my mind that you've never let any of this compromise you as a mother, but you're not just a mother OP, you're a woman and as such you deserve a life of fulfilment and happiness too and that would be best for them if you ask me.
Time to let your ex husband go, live his own life and if he wants to drink himself to oblivion then that's his choice. You've done all you can reasonably do and maybe even too much.
It's time for a new era in you and your kids lives. time to stop wasting all your energy on this lost cause of a man and move on.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Your children are the main reason why you are living together... but the children's father is an irredeemable alcoholist who already endangered those children in the past . And more than once.
That to me would sound like an excellent reason to NOT live together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): wow , some of the replies on here are harsh. I do understand, first I am divorced from him. we are living together to take care of our children. we don't have a relationship I have tried. I have talked to him many times about our problem I have tried to fix them counseling etc.I have made the attempt to be closer and nothing from him. at times I wanted to fix things I had kept trying until this past week. i have been trying for 2years to fix things. i divorce him because of drinking problem i tried to get him help AA. MEDS, REHAB, church. everything being there for him. he just kept drinking to the point he endangered our children at times. i didn't know what else to do. our children are the main reason we are living together and that is it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): I think it's irrelevant whether you should feel guilty or not because you don't. You justify it by blaming your ex husband, now boyfriend for making you feel lonely.
Well guess what OP he's not the one too weak to leave a relationship that makes him feel that way, you are.
You want all the trappings of having a partner and are perfectly willing to get off with other guys so you can have your cake and eat it too.
So instead of doing what you have to, to either fix the relationship or end it you go cheat.
I have friends who cheat and I hate people who cheat. But I don't hate them because they've never used a pathetic weak excuse like "I'm lonely" they don't look for pity, they don't pity themselves they just admit they're bastards for not controlling their urges and that's it. Never once have they ever blamed their partner nor have they ever tried to justify it as the right thing to do. Plus they're not weak, they wouldn't stay in a failed relationship and one in which they felt lonely, they're not pitiful fools.
Should you feel guilty for cheating? Not half as much as you feel a bit ashamed of becoming this weak willed woman who pities herself if that's not the type of woman you ever wanted to be. One who can't let her ex-husband go for whatever reason and is more than happy to string along a second guy too because of that.
Just to make things clear I don't know you OP, I'm not judging you personally, just responding to the very tiny amount of info you posted here.
I would hate myself if I ever became like that. I can;t imagine ever becoming so feeble minded as to stay with in a relationship where I felt lonely, that's not a relationship, that's just a shitty arrangement. I have never and will never cheat, whenever I've gotten to the point in a relationship where most people justify cheating, that's the time I step up, try and fix it or walk away.
My dignity, honour and self respect are too important to me to let myself become a pathetic, pitiful fool who doesn't take responsibility for my actions. I've hurt a lot of people in my life but I always was able to take responsibility for that, always able to learn and rectify my actions as soon as possible.
I wouldn't just feel guilty in your situation I'd detest the man I'd become, so I work my ass off to make sure that never happens. You've taken the easy way out.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 You refer to him as your ex-husband but at no point mention a divorce. You say you separated for a while then got back together but more you realise it's not going to work. That's confusing for everyone. You can't call him your ex-husband if you're still legally married. It doesn't work the same way as breaking up with a boyfriend and calling him your ex. And if you have decided your marriage is over, you cannot live together. You have to break up and one of you move away. You are seeing a really bad example to your children. Even if you don't fight it anything in front of them, they will see that you never give any affection to each other and may grow up thinking that's normal. You will damage them. If you really don't want to be with him then move out and divorce him. Otherwise you're cheating on him.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Absolutely you should feel guilty. Instead of facing your problems head-on, you insulted your vows... Fix your marriage and stop hiding from the problems it has. You promised to be there through the hard times, yes?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I think you have to get straight with yourself on whether you are in a relationship with your ex-husband, or not. From all outward appearances you are: you live together, you share bills, you raise your children together, and yet the magic or glue that binds a couple is clearly missing.
It sounds like there is a LOT more going on in your life than what you are telling us here and I suspect there's a lot more to the story. I can also tell that you are confused with your living arrangements as well and I think that is the source of your guilt.
You need to make a decision: either you are working on your relationship and trying to form a solid partnership with your (ex) husband or your not. You can't have it both ways on this without feeling some sort of guilt. Also, the question you need to ask yourself is why are you still with your ex-husband and what rules is he living under? Finally, how do you expect to find love again if you continue to live with your ex-husband? How many guys would be willing to tolerate that situation while they date you?
Eddie
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Whether or not you should feel guilty has to do with how you answer the following question:
Do you and your ex-husband have a finalized divorce? Meaning, have you officially dissolved your marriage through the courts AND as it been finalized?
If the answer is "yes", then you don't have a reason to feel guilty. However, you should move away from him, because there's nothing that will destroy your future happiness with other guys than to live with an "ex".
However, if the answer is "no", and you two have not divorced, then you are cheating on him. Doesn't matter if you've separated or it's some sort of emotional separation or not. Your husband's not your "ex" unless you've divorced him. If that's not taken place and you're still living together, then yes, you're not only cheating, but you're cheating any new guy out of having a proper relationship with you, because a married woman can't have any kind of future with another man. The only thing you could pull off is some sort of Friends with Benefits situation, and which will leave you used, more lonely, and unable to enter into any kind of healthy relationship.
So, which is it? Are you divorced?
Either way, what are you doing living with him? You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of loneliness. Time to make some changes.
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