A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's this girl that I liked at my college. We were friends for a good few months. We went out together, partied together, did crazy stuff and just all around enjoyed each other's company. We even entrusted each other with some pretty embarrassing stories. It got to the point where I was actually falling for her. I couldn't keep it a secret for much longer.A few weeks ago, I confessed my feelings for her. Unfortunately, she didn't feel the same way. She said we were perfect as friends and that she couldn't see us being more than that. I toke it hard but agreed that we should be friends. For the next few days, I found it really hard to be around her. My insides were shattered and I couldn't be my happy normal self with her anymore. I felt utterly destroyed. She noticed this and asked what was up with me. I told her that I couldn't hang out with her anymore, that if we talk it should only be at school. I didn't do it to get even or be mean. I simply felt that I HAD to move on or I wouldn't be able to get over her. She toke it pretty hard and said that I broke her heart. She even said that she wanted to cry but she couldn't because there were too many people around. She also mentioned how she never thought I would ever hurt her like that. I really didn't want to hurt her that way but I really needed to get distance between us. I said we could still be friends and that I wouldn't ignore or try to avoid her when at school, but I wouldn't be able to hang out and go out together anymore. She even said that I was special to her and that our friendship meant a lot. I really wanted to take back everything I said but I knew that would be a mistake.Fast forward to today and I feel that I'm almost completely over her. The weight over my heart has lifted and seeing her at school isn't painful anymore. I can even smile and laugh again when I hear a joke.I also say a few words to her every now and again like "Hi" or "What's up". The problem is, she still seems out of it. I BARELY see her smile. She has a new guy friend and when they walk around together, she hardly ever laughs. When we were close, I don't remember a time when her face wasn't lit up with a smile. She avoids me now, walks in a different direction when she sees me coming. When she DOES speak to me, it's always in a critical or not-so-nice tone. I feel bad for what I did. All I want is for her to be happy. I even wish her and her new guy friend the best because I don't want to feel any grudges or anger towards them. But every time I see her walking around, not talking to anyone like she's lost in a shroud, it pains me.I know what it feels like. I was there only a day or two ago, feeling like I had lost a part of me. I wish I could talk to her and tell her that we could be best of friends again like nothing happened, but I'm afraid that the cycle will just restart itself. I don't want to fall for her all over again when I'm just getting used to not tearing up when I think of her.I really want to start talking to her again and begin our fun times once more. I'm just afraid that she'll reject it because she feels I still have feelings for her. . .which I might if I start talking to her again. Should I feel bad for moving on first? All I want is for her to get over it and start being happy again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2014): I won't lie. Seeing her with him did initially spark some anger/jealousy in me. I assumed it was her way of saying "You're replaceable". It's actually what prompted me to move on even quicker. I also received little joy in watching her being sad even after finding her new buddy.
Although, with more time I realized that feeling that way only meant that I had her in my mind more often. I decided that the only way to truly get over her was to put all those negative emotions away and just wish her peace and tranquility with whomever she wants to be with. I did like her a lot which is why I just want her to be happy, even if it causes me some pain in the process. I'm used to rejection and I know how to get over it. . .I just don't think she's used to losing a friend.
Thank you guys for your advise. I'll stay out of her way, maybe that will help her heal faster.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2014):
 Nope, you did the right thing.
You know the saying nothing ventured, nothing gained. You tried to see if she wanted MORE and she didn't. She saw you as a friend. And she LOST a friend (so did you.) IT HAPPENS.
Trying to be friends because you feel PITY for her and you OVER-ANALYZE her every time you see her, BECAUSE YOU want to be that SPECIAL male friend in her mind forever. YOU got replaced. Because SHE is prioritizing HER first. Her needs.
I think she is "sulking" when she runs into you. Because she liked having you fawn all over her and WANT her. And now.. you seem to have recovered and moved on. I think that hurt her ego a tad. I think ANYONE'S ego would be a little bruised. BUT THAT IS LIFE.
BE happy. Enjoy life. SHE will be OK.
I think if she ACTUALLY missed you SO badly as a friend she would have reached out to you a long time ago.
YOU deserve to have some peace of mind and happiness. YOU do NOT exist to make HER happy.
Let it go, bro.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 May 2014):
 No no no, you are just looking for excuses to reconnect with her, restart all the drama again, and feel like crap again.
You did the right thing. You needed to move on and to get over your unrequited crush, and you did the only thing that , as you have seen, really works : putting distance between you and your love object. You also did it in a civil, not spiteful way , it's not like you avoid her or ignore her or are mean to her, you are just sort of doing your thing and you are not at her beck and call anymore, hanging from her lips.
I think THIS is what she is missing, her power over you . It's an ego thing probably. She is not being very selfless. As you only want her to be happy, no matter if with other people- well, she should want the same for you, shouldn't she, if she really cared so much about you.
That she would prefer having you around all the time, knowing how much that would hurt you, and gets all stroppy because she can't ,isn't that nice so no, don't waste any guilt over her. She'll get over it, don't worry. You just keep doing what's best for you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 May 2014):
It's not the end of the world dude. And it certainly isn't for her. Friends falling for each other happens all the time. Sometimes shit happens, and you gotta pick yourself up and move on again. You didn't do anything wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. She'll be fine. You will be fine. Actually, in your situation you did the right thing.
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