A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I've been a long time contributer on here for others problems and I was wondering what others could suggest on my situation concerning my sisters' marriage.I'm not sure how I feel about this as my family isn't so close and is rather disfunctional, but that said marriage is unually a black and white matter I'm told.So I'm 26 and have just moved to Canada with my partner and baby. My sister who is 10years older is getting married(back in australia) and her wedding is in a couple of months. I have Always been supportive of my sister(overly), I always looked up to her i guess and never harboured feelings toward her. I however have always been displayed a different response from her. Probably of jealousy, whether about my life or just family attention(i get along well with a lot of people in the family, she doesn't so much). It's always puzzled me as she is very successful in her career, has investment properties and nice car all that stuff on paper people like her value. I on the other hand am quite the opposite and deliberately so, but enjoy a strong social network and am happy in my life. Basically she has often put me down, is interested in my doings and then next minute cold. All keen to see me and then when we meet up, is too busy trying to impress talk my parents and coming across as disinterested and often demeaning to me(and this is projected to me after seeing her for honestly 5mins after a 3year break so it's not my talking!). Other family have always commented on it being her. She projects a lot to keep up appearances and I guess my mere presence does something.Anyway, so there is the background. Now, she is getting married, and before I left Aus she made a lot of effort to contact me(though going cold again every second email eg- sending happy clappy emails "hi how are you? How's so and so etc etc and then never responding to my response to those questions, until she would ask it all over again.). She wanted me to be a participant- play music at her wedding, she wanted my daughter to be flowergirl etc, my partner to be photographer, to me I felt like she had that 'user' thing happening. It's definitely not a question of money, i think it was more about appearances in some respects. However, because of how I feel her relationship with me has been consistently fake and I never really had a real relationship with her(and I don't particularly like weddings as a concept), I don't feel there is a real point to me going, add on the fact that the expenses are more than 2.5k for me and bub. We don't have this money to spend just so easily(having just moved here and about to move to europe) and I hardly feel it is worthwhile for me to go there just to put in an appearance(I won't be participating or anything now), especially when I know she will be happy to see me for about 5mins and thats it..and I will have to make a big effort to travel, find accomodation etc.My partner thinks I shouldn't feel bad at all, and is quite surprised that she hasn't made any offer to pay for my ticket citing that if she wants me there , she should pay because she can clearly afford it. I feel it is her being stubborn and not wanting to help me down even if it is severing her own leg at the same time. Basically my question is- is that a reasonable thing to say? Should I have a clear consciouness in this matter? I do and I don't because I often feel bad for things (in general) and she is making subtle hints that its a shame and talking to other family members about it. The thing to me is, based on our history, I think no one in my situation would care about her after a number of things she has done to me or used me for, but as I said, I have always made an effort with her and it's difficult for me to be so cold rationally about it when its a first time, and it's a wedding. Just looking for some feedback on my feelings.. thanks!
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jealous, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): You may well have made the right choice. Whilst I agree that blood is blood there are limits to it when someones behaviour is so bad. My Dad was estranged from his brother for 20 years right up to after his brothers death and whilst he had regrets over the falling out with his brother he said his life was far better for the lack of contact and hassle. His main regret was that his brother had chosen to behave as he had towards him and the family (which was pretty bad). You've clearly given her enough chances and she hasn't changed her ways. Its sad but people don't always behave as we wish they would despite our efforts. Their may be mutterings from the rest of your family but I would imagine they've noted the way she behaves towards you and may beahve the same to them so might not begrudge you too much. My girlfriend has just informed her brother she isn't travelling to Australia for his wedding due to cost, fear of flying and most of her family are jealous because of the actions of her future sister in law. (described by my girlfriends mum as "her ladyship" or that "pain in the arse!")
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): THIS IS THE QUESTION ASKERThanks for all the advice, quite varied but a lot of food for thought and the arguments of both sides of my conscious :) . I am however honestly hesitant to prioritise her- as family over friends, because to be honest she has consistently done things that have been unforgivable and I have always taken the higher route, which has got me no where except further disatisfied and kicking myself at being played and left damaged (somewhat) again. As my partner often says, First time, shame on you, second time shame on me.. it is quite fitting here. I do feel I value the idea to prioritise family, but when they have hurt you in bullying ways, to put you down diliberately and all that it becomes clearly futile as you realise they have no desire to change. They are not the idea of family I believe. I have tried to air things with her numerous times over the years, again it gets me nowhere, she just gets defensive, denies things and then attacking, childishly hanging the phone up or just not replying to such an email when she knows she was in the wrong. Then a year later, she is there again and i take the bait knowing that if I bring things up, she will attack again.I have sent her a short email letting her know that I won't be able to make it because of the obvious cost and distance and factors in my life. I bought her a nice gift and I wished her the best(as usual and it is sincere), but I'm not going to people please her anylonger, it's not worth my mental struggle when clearly it doesn't make a difference to her. Ever since we were little she has insulted me and even when I recently had a baby she made all these insinuating digs at me which were just reflective of the lack of mutual giving here. I know she doesn't think twice about the things she has done, and probably justifies it in someway through her insecurities I'm pretty sure, somethign about entitlement and something a 36year old should probably know better about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Your Sister sounds like a Narcissist. So yes, it is her. She totally demonstrates the patterns of an individual that suffers this disorder.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
If she can attack you, target you, bully you, speak ill about you- why attend and support her wedding when she herself cannot maintain family loyalty to you?
You owe her nothing but best wishes.
I make it a point to cut out toxic abusive bullies from my life and family or not- she would get the axe.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Hey, 2500 is serious money - particularly if you can't comfortably afford it. I would not spend that money for going... to my OWN wedding !
Therefore, yes, I think it's perfectly reasonable that you share your concerns with your sister and tell her you 'd like to go... if she pays the airfare. This is not being petty, just sensible.
As for the emotional part, " why going through the hassle when she does not want you there out of love but just for the appearences etc..?"- I'd say : be generous. Be the better person, go and help her put on her show and have her big day . You've known all your life, she is what she is, she is not going to change- she still is your sister ,- sisters are seldom perfect but they are still your blood. You can make her happy by being an " extra " in her big production... and make yourself happy by taking this chance to see other relatives and old friends that may have genuinely missed you .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): I feel the same as your partner but I would surely try and mend the relationship with my sister and if you can't afford to attend the wedding then I would send her a nice wedding gift and let her know that I am very sorry that I can not make it because I'm saving to move to Europe
Hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 I'm real big on families and keeping them together. As my dad says "you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends", so I advise people to put up with jealousy, bad feelings and a lot of nonsense that you wouldn't stand from other people. After all, love conquers all and blood is thicker than water. She clearly has jealousy issues and insecurities, maybe her age, or maybe because she knows she values the wrong things and they don't bring comfort and peace. Anyway her problem to fix, your doing fine, you've not cut her off and are trying to keep up some kind of contact. You've done your best.Going to an expensive wedding when you have no money, but your sister has lots... completely different thing. You is poor, you can't afford to go. Send her a telegram (has to be telegram because it looks posh and fancy. Post office will send it) a nice gift or big bunch of fancy flowers if money is tight.. Make lots of noise about how your heart is breaking because you can't be there... If your family want you there, then they should do what families do, get together and find enough money for the ticket. If not, send kind regards, regrets, and ask for copies of the pictures and video's.Anyone who dares to question you later about this, stick a finger in your eye to bring on tears and tell them how upset you were to miss your sisters big day, tell them it was the worst day of your life and you'll never get over it.Problem solved... take your kid and your guy out that day, and raise a glass and remember them all.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Despite the poor relationship you've had with your sister, I think if you can go you should. If you can't then let your sister know that you haven't the money and that you're deeply disappointed about missing it.
Be prepared for her to offer financial assistance. She might not, but I say it so you won't use it as an excuse not to go only to be caught unawares if she offers to help.
At some point in the future I strongly recommend you clear the air with her. Family is family and relationships are easier to end than mend. You still have some connection with her so try to build on that. It might be better not to have this chat while you're declining her wedding invitation as she may think that is the real reason you aren't attending and it will further strain the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): i feel your partner is right...why put yourself thru all that stress and financial burden when shes most likely gonna treat you like you dont matter!
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