A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i need advice-should i fake it til i make it? been with my fiance 3yrs and we had our first baby 6 months ago. at first, we maintained our sex life (i didn't want intercourse as i was scared it would hurt, but enjoyed giving him bjs). but then on one occasion, he got carried away and literally ripped my panties off even though he knew i didn't want to be touched there. i pushed him away and was crying and he apologised. that, plus breastfeeding (=painful boobs and exhaustion), lack of sleep (he works shifts, so isn't consistently home to help during the night), loss of identity (i am now on a temporary career break from a job i loved, and have had no time to pursue my hobbies of dancing or to meet with friends), and my difficulty in switching my mindset from mother to sexy woman (i see my body totally differently now-boobs are for nourishing my baby, not titillating my man; i feel unattractive anyhow since giving birth), along with some arguments about our household finances (i was paying for everything for the 1st 4 months as he wasn't budgeting well enough but this has improved in the last 2 months) has all extinguished my libido completely.Oh, and he sleeps in a different room so baby doesn't disturb him (he's a shiftworker).He's getting annoyed at my lack of interest in anything physical with him. We hug every day. I don't feel like kissing him though. We don't really get much time to ourselves, and when we do, he tells me about his day and never asks about me-makes me feel so insignificant. I can't go from that to sexy kissing, and so forth. Especially when i'm so tired.I've tried explaning this to him, telling him i do love him and find him attractive (all true, i just don't have the urge to kiss him) and have been sure to carry on making him meals and leaving him little love notes from time to time to help him feel loved.I feel i'd want kisses/sex if: i was less tired, if i had an hour to myself to unwind from the role of breastfeeding mother, if we had quality time together to talk/hang out, if i was more in touch with me! (pre-baby, i was full of energy, took pride in always making an effort to look nice, and was ready for kisses with him anytime-our sex life was great even during pregnancy!)i've tried talking to him to explain this, but get nowhere! he gets upset and says i must be repulsed by his body! when i actually think his body is hot!i want our relationship to work and am beginning to think i should fake physical desire and give him kisses, bjs, to keep him happy even if my heart and head are not in it...should i? i fear he's feeling rejected but try to be affectionate in other ways, but think he's not satisfied with that and wants more (ie kisses, sex). i even think i'd feel relieved if he had a 'mistress'-some woman who's body he could use for sex, whilst leaving me alone to nuture our baby with my body.what should i do? fake it in the hope that my desires will return in the meantime?thanks for reading.
View related questions:
boobs, fiance, kissing, libido, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 Leaving love notes for him will not make him feel loved when you're witholding sex from him.
Sex is about giving, not just taking. Sometimes we have to just go through the motions because we love our partners and we want them to be happy. It's a sacrifice that is worth it because a happier partner will be more giving back to us and happier to make sacrifices themselves to make you happy.
You're experiencing what many many mothers feel. It's hard work and draining being a mum. Make every effort you can for your man though, as he has his needs too. It will probably make him more willing to help you out around the home too.
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (23 July 2013):
 Even if he is a shiftworker, when you have a baby, both Mommy and Daddy should be pulling duty. Even when he gets home from work. He should give you an hour to yourself. Take a nice hot bubble bath and unwind. Mommy needs time to herself too.
You two had a baby together and he needs to realize that. He needs to help you with the baby. Motherhood is a fulltime job in itself.
It's natural to feel the way you do. Unattractive and to view your body differently. You will come into your own and feel like the sexy woman you are after a while, trust me, it won't stay this way forever. When I had my son, I took it easy for six weeks and then started working out again, which made me feel better. You need alone time too. Make sure you get it. Nurture yourself so you can nurture your baby.
Have you talked to your doctor about the possibility of post partum depression as for why your libido is down? it might just be from being exhausted and doing everything on your own. If you continue caring for your baby yourself, you might come to resent your husband. He needs to pitch in. I don't care how tired he is. I worked sixty hours a week, took care of my son and made dinner and packed lunches. He can give you some time to yourself and it's not selfish of you to expect that.
Congratulations by the way, on becoming a mother. There is no greater feeling in the world.
...............................
|
