A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello cupids, I am currently in a dilemma I do not know how to explain. I moved out of the house of an abusive man I called father 4 months ago and was finally ready to move on. I cut all contacts with him and whatever would make me remember him.The issue I am having is my mum. She has refused to move on. I moved in with her and my sister to a new house. This is the story. This man I called father, is a serial cheat and father. He already had 5 children when my mum met him. She was never legally married to him, never introduced him to her parents but had 3 children for him (me inclusive). My mum never cared about how the other children felt when she was his side chick. Years later he did the exact same thing to her and her children. He has had more than 16 children with more than 7 women after my mum. After moving in with my mum, we had an agreement that we would never speak about him, talk about him or anything concerning him and his side of the family. Behind my back, my mum sends him messages and texts occasionally like she's the most deserving of him. Need I mention he's 73 and just had another child now with a 27 year old girl. I fought my mum occasionally why would she break our agreement. Nevertheless she continued. After I moved out I called his sister who is older than him to explain to her my reason for moving out. I was emotionally and physically abused through out my life. His sister told me to go do menial jobs. She couldn't care less. I am one of the lot.Somedays back she had something to do in Africa. My mum who wasn't invited went. So my aunt called for a meeting at the house of this abusive man with my sister and one of my step sisters who was kicked out a month ago. I couldn't tell her I wasn't going to come because I was going to have an outburst or fight that man. So I decided I was going to call her to tell her I couldn't make it because I wasn't feeling too well. So I told my mum and sister this. They disagreed with me. They said it's nt that man I am going to see that she's old enough to be my grandmother, respect and all this cultural nonsense in Africa. I tried to make them understand that people are different, handle pain anger, emotions differently. They both hurled insults at me. My sister went as far as collecting all the items she ever bought for me. While my mum went as far as involving that man's side of the family to tell them I wasn't coming because I had no interest in what she had to say. The first person person to call me was my oldest stepbrother who happens to be the first born of that man. He told me I am not the only victim which I agreed to but I made him understand I would go to that meeting only if the location is changed(well they wouldn't change it for me I am a nobody). He made some shocking revelations to me which still hunts me till date. He told me how my mum had several abortions before me. Told me how she wanted to abort I and my sister at 4 months. So many things I can't mention(so why is she playing the victim). So many other people called me to persuade me. I had my mind made up.Because of these people my mum involved, I couldn't call my aunt to tell her I wasn't feeling too well to come. My sister was fighting me. All my aunts and uncles and brother already knew I wasn't coming. Thanks to my mum. What was I going to tell her. The meeting held yesterday without me in that evil house. When I switched on my phone today. My aunt said she feels utterly disrespected I didn't have the courtesy to tell her I wouldn't be coming. That only 'a bastard deserts it's family'. I was gonna call her after the text but that last line made me enraged because since I moved out, I fend for myself. She never for once asked if I needed anything. If she didn't have an event to attend or didn't see my mum, she wouldn't have bothered contacting me. We are over 30 children for her to care about a particular person. So why is my absence at a meeting so important.I want to know if I should call her to explain to her my true reason for not coming or calling her. I really do not care but everyone Is against me right now. I am suddenly the villian. After suffering so much abuse, how did she expect me to overlook all that am come back to sleep in that house. I couldn't. Now they call me proud for standing my ground. The most annoying part is all the people that are involved in this never called to ask about my welfare ever. Infct it's the first time I am ever receiving their calls in my life. Suddenly because the oldest person in the family(who dosent care about me) requested a meeting with me, I should be scared and quickly bend to her wishes without considering my own feeling. They fear her not me. I couldn't stand seeing that abusive man again. It's still fresh in my memory how he sleeps with my schoolmates in my face(a lot of things). I don't want to be disrespectful to her but I really want nothing to do with her. Should I call her and tell her the truth or just move on with evil eyes on me? Why should I be scared of someone who dosent feed me or pay myrent. I am unemployed. She didn't care how I would get to her meeting. Pls advice cos I feel a little bit guilty not calling her.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2015):
 Wow, you have an amazingly dysfunctional family. Your biological father has 16 children by 7 women? Obviously he's a disaster. His older sister obviously isn't any better.
Your father slept with your school mates? Oh wow. How old were they? Did you consider reporting him to authorities? Calling the police on him? That's awful!
Look, it's obvious that your flag doesn't match your language. I think you are not in the US. If you were, I'd offer you some links which could separate you from this obviously abusive man who should probably be in jail for his abuse and neglect!
Don't feel guilty for not calling her. Distance yourself from these completely dysfunctional people.
Feel sorry for your mother, that she's caught up in the dysfunction.
Don't stick around for the abuse, move as far away from these nutcases as you possibly can! They are awful, based on your story, get as far away from them as possible.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): Get yourself a job and finish your education, if you haven't already. You need to remove yourself from a collection of people who are sick and dysfunctional. You are dependent on your mother; so you can't tell her what to do or who to talk to. She's a foolish woman, who put herself before her children. She didn't protect you and she didn't give you your birthright to have a safe, secure, and loving childhood.
You don't like what she's doing? Get yourself out of her house, and out of her life. Go find your own. It's time to be out on your own, and learning how to survive. Find help and mentoring wherever you can get it. It's time you took care of yourself. You can't tell your mother how run her life. If you don't want to be in your father's house, don't go. You have all the motive in the world to find yourself a job, and get the hell away from those people.
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