A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi people,I have been in a very weird, complicated relationship for two years - I am not even sure it can be called a relationship . I loved the guy and I still do. I respected him and still do. I also think of him as a very good, kind hearted person. But in all this time I was never loved or even really cared for by him. He seems to be kind to and care for everyone but me!The situation is complicated, he has a lot of problems, he seems to be getting depressed, he has an overwhelming fear or actaully hatred of commitment. But I love him. I don't want anything but it I guess maybe he acts so cold sometimes, because he thinks I do.I don't know how I ended up loving him. I don't really regret it though I have been extremely hurt every single day for the past two years. I don't regret because I think I did my best to get myself out of this but I couldn't. But this feeling of insecuirity is killing me slowly.My question is:I have the feeling that I really want to tell him all this. I want to tell him that I love him, that I'm hurting, that I don't blame him for the hurt, that I will take all responsiblity for my pain myself, that I don't wish to add to his problems, that I'll just try my best to do what is best for him, that if he doesn't want us to be together it will hurt but I will survive, and so on. But should I tell him all this? It is so hard for me to talk to him, I'm hardly ever able to. Do you think it might blow up any slight chance that we might have? I thought it will end up in either a better relationship or more likely a break up. At least if I was sure it would be a final breakup it would be better. But our breakups never work.Please let me know what you think. Guys what do you think, if someone told you this stuff would you have more ease of mind? Would you be happier? If you don't want the relationship would it convince you to have some mercy and let the girl go. Girls, let me know if you have any tips for me, tell me about your experiences because I don't have many. He is my only guy.Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): Thanks everyone. I did talk to him - I saw your reply too late Wheeler. The talk was horrid, nothing came out right. I'm still stuck in a gray place. I didn't really go into detail about myself and how bad I was feeling, he has so much on his mind already I didn't want to add another worry.Tisha, the main reason I wanted to talk to him was to get out of the limbo state. It didn't work but at least I tried. And in this 2, 3 years I have just suffered the whole thing alone and no one knows. I was not even strong enough to talk to him but I didn't really think I could carry on like this much longer.Wheeler,you are right I did (do?) want his love the problem is I'm in a place where I can't know for sure what he thinks of me. I wanted to know once and for all where I stand. If I didn't want his love I wouldn't really care what he thinks.You say that a healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals. They do not need the other in order to be happy or fulfilled. I have heard this many times. But in my case this would mean I'm in a vicious cycle. I'm unhappy, I can't have a healthy relationship so I get more unhappy and so on. Knowing this doesn't really help me I'm afraid.I don't really know what to do right now. The best would be to just give up I guess, but for that I think I would need to move to another country or something. Anyway, thanks everyone for your answers.
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 There is a lot going on here!
You stated that you don't want anything from him, but that is almost definitely not true. Although you don't say it outright, you want his love. You want a relationship with him. You want him to either reciprocate the feelings you have for him, or to be told you have no chance.
In many ways you seem completely preoccupied with him, as if he were the key to your happiness.
There are some unanswered questions that make it difficult to know exactly what this "relationship" is. Have the two of you officially dated at any point? Have you lived together? Is he or has he been dating someone else during this time?
If, as far as he knows, you are just a friend, then it is safe to say that you are dealing with infatuation more so than attraction.
It is possible that you are suffering from what is called a "Savior Complex". This is when you hope to save the other person from their situation or personal problems. You believe you can fix them. In fact, fixing them is where you find your fulfillment.
A normal, healthy relationship requires two healthy (mentally and emotionally) individuals. They do not need the other in order to be happy or fulfilled.
You have identified several significant issues with this guy. He is cold to you, struggles with depression, and hates commitment. Yet you say without reservation you are in love with him. You love someone that has clearly demonstrated that they do not love you.
This could be because you want what you can't have, but I think it is deeper than that.
I could be wrong, but I think you have idealized this guy. You have indirectly revealed that he thinks you want something from him. And based on what you have said I would think he is well aware of how strong your feelings are. His response is to be cold to you in return. The safe conclusion is that he is not interested in you in that way.
My first suggestion is that you not tell him about your feelings. I think you already know what his answer will be.
My second suggestion is that you seriously consider what you believe "love" to be. To truly love someone you have to first know them well enough to separate what is reality and what is in your head. And by that I mean that we all tend to project on to others who we think they are. Like when you meet a random guy at a grocery store and he says something nice to you, and your mind instantly fills in all the blanks and you think he is a great person, a guy who can cook, and spends Sunday afternoon with his grandmother playing bridge. A guy that is considerate, respectful to women, with a well-paying job he loves. This is just how our minds work.
In reality you know very little about that random guy.
In a much more profound way when we become attracted to someone we do the same. We think we know who they are, and interpret even the small things to mean much more. They become something greater in our minds. Someone who is very much what we are looking for in a significant other.
That is why you date. You can only begin to know another person through spending time together. Through seeing how that person handles themselves in different settings. How they handle relationships and family.
Unless you have gotten to know this guy in such a way then you cannot say that you are in love with him. If you do feel you love him then you should probably take a step back. Realize that you don't have the answers you need in order to truly say you love him.
And if his feelings are not reciprocated then you have to move on, no matter how hard that may be.
I know this is a lot to take in, but you asked me to answer your question! :-)
You deserve to be happy. But you also deserve to have someone that loves you in return. Someone that has something to offer. And ask yourself if you are doing all that you can to be an emotionally and mentally healthy person so that when you meet the right guy you are ready for that relationship.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 November 2011):
 I think if you are suffering yourself and just want a resolution to the matter, go ahead and tell him how you feel. Not because you are hoping he will magically change into a loving and caring boyfriend, but because then you will know without a doubt that you have given him every chance to care for you.
It doesn't sound promising, I'm afraid to tell you but you seem to be caught in a limbo and you may as well bring it to a resolution, so that you can let him go and be available for a man who is truly interested in a commitment. You may already know this other man but are blinded by this unrequited love thing you have going.
Don't live in limbo, don't live in fear. Be true to your own feeling and be brave. Even if he never speaks to you again (which I doubt) you will know you were brave and dared to be vulnerable.
Breathe deeply, visualize what you want, think positive thoughts and just go for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Do you sense there is any spark between you? If you do then I would tell him of your feelings, but not in detail. You don't want him running for the hills. But if it is obvious he doesn't think of you in that way, I would back off and see as little of him as possible. Living with the hope that something may develop but is never going to happen is a lot of wasted emotion.
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