A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I went met this guy online. We talked for 9 months before making plans to meet in person. He was a very nice guy, but has an annoying side to him. He liked to win when we had our little spats. Anyway,we went on a couple of dates finally, and they were amazing! He was awesome, except that he talked about his dead ex a few times. He also had a portrait of her up on his wall. I mentioned that over the phone to him on day, and we got into a huge argument over it. I told him that I thought it was weird that he still had a pic of hid dead ex up on his wall years after the fact. Of course, that fueled the fire. I didn't back down, I told him that he had issues to resolve and he said I was the one with issues, and so on. My questions is, should I bother apologizing to him? Do you think he is weird for having his dead ex's pic on the wall a decade after the fact? Does it sound like he needs to see a psych. professional? Should I even try to mend this relationship?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 Wait a minute... I see that you got answers from 12 responders, one of which told you : yes you are right, he is insane, the other 11 : no you are wrong, he is not insane.
I am not saying that majority always rules, nor that it is always correct about everything, of course. Particularly on matter where personal wants and needs weigh so heavily.
But, did not this made you reflect just a little bit ?
Didn't it lead to rather obvious consclusions ?...
I.e. that, if YOU don't like your Bfs displaying pics of their dead wives, - you don't like it, end of story. After all, you have to date someone whom YOU find likeable, not that a few strangers on Dc find likeable.
As for questioning his mental sanity, though, it's another story: if you see that 11 persons out of 12 think that this is a socially acceptable behaviour, and not any indication of a mental distrurbance- you'd better believe it. It is what it is, so that means that normally, by the standard of a modern Western culture like those which all the respondents ( and you ) belong to, displaying on the wall a portrait of someone who was a big part of their life and now is dead, is NOT a sign of mental or behavioural problems.
That you don't like it, fine- but... all the people who do things you don't like are crazy then ? If you hate tennis, all tennis players are crazy ?
That , allow me, if we talk about " bringing biases "... sort of takes the cake...
All the world love playing amateur psychologists, I am sure ( even if there are / were mental health professionals among us, obviously they can't express a professional opinion based on a post ). It's common and it's pretty innocuous- but it cuts both ways.
As you can diagnose psychological "issues" betrayed by his behavior... lots of people by the same token and by the same self styled competence, could say that you must have got issues yourself , if after two dates you want to take control of a DATE 's life , and if you feel so viscerally threatened by the image of someone who's not even here anymore..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2016): I almost forgot that I posted this question...Update, I dumped the guy a few months ago. He obviously had some issues letting go of his dead ex-wife. I told him that he needs to differentiate between what is current and what is in the past. I've found a man who is very kind and with sanity intact!
Thank you for those of you who answered my question without bringing your biasis into it. Some of the insulting answers are obviously from ignorance/assumptions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016): Although you might've written your question with a bit of more detail about the situation with this guy. I feel that you are right for questioning his mental state. After all, his wife has passed away a long time ago, and he should not be mentioning her so often when you two are together. He may have attachment issues for which it might do him good to seek help from a psychology professional. He should put you on a pedestool since he is trying to woo you. His wife is in the past. If he cannot see the difference and make you his priority above his long dead wife, you should not waste time with him. There is no use in dating a man who cannot get over his past! On a side note, from seeing some of the answers to this question, some of the advice givers clearly have their own issues that they are bringing into this forum. They sound angry and out of control! As another gentleman stated, some of the answerers sound like they have anger issues. They sound like Agony psychos, not Agony aunts! Get some help and straighten yourselves out!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 January 2016):
He sounds very loyal and dedicated.
You should probably move on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 He should "get over it"? Your level of ignorance and insensitivity is astonishing. Perhaps you have Asperger's syndrome, or are on the autism spectre elsewhere, because any other person would know that you do not tell a man who you barely know, or someone you know well for that matter, when to "get over" someone else's death. Grieving and handling loss of someone you care for is a personal matter, and everyone is entitled to deal with it the way it suits them, and use as much time they need. For some, a loved one dying doesn't matter at all (to you, obviously), but other need their time! Even so, he IS over her, or else he wouldn't be dating again. Remembering her and having her picture on the wall is not the same as not being over her. And there is a BIG difference between being over her ROMANTICALLY and being over her DEATH. You, clearly, are unable to tell the difference, which brings me back to you possibly having autism on some level or other. You're unable to grasp this simple thing that everyone else understand. It's about social relations and common decency. You do not, ever, start to tell other people who they can and can't have pictures of on their walls, and you simply do not ever, at all, tell someone to "get over" it when someone has died!
No, lady, you were not within your rights, by a long shot. If this is so disturbing to you, then you should leave him alone and find someone else. Why insist to insult and hurt someone when they've done nothing wrong. He doesn't owe it to you to take down the picture of his dead ex girlfriend. You don't own him, and you are not within your rights to dictate what he does and doesn't do. You do, however, have the right to stop seeing him if this bothers you so much. Now leave the poor man alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2016): First of all, this has nothing to do with jealousy or being threatened by the dead-ex, she's dead! It's just weird that he has a strange picture of her on the wall. If it was his grandparents, dog, etc. then that would be fine. But it's weird that he talks about her often, and has that pic up. It's like he still hasn't gotten over her in that many years. I just told him to get over it first, then maybe he can move on with another woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): It is his EX. She is DEAD. Why does this upset you? He loved this woman at one point, you have to accept it. She is not ALIVE anymore, so she shouldn't be some sort of threat. It's very disrespectful of you to address this situation so insensitively, or even addressing it at all. You need to apologize ASAP in order to fix this relationship, and you need to mean it, too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): Semantic technicality: If he was married at the time of her death, then she is his late wife and not his "dead ex.""My questions is, should I bother apologizing to him?"No, you should only apologize if you are sincere. If it's a bother then don't bother."Do you think he is weird for having his dead ex's pic on the wall a decade after the fact?"No, I think you are weird for callously referring to his late wife as his "dead ex" and being jealous of his fond memories of her."Does it sound like he needs to see a psych. professional?"No. But someone who feels threatened by a long dead woman may need one."Should I even try to mend this relationship?"That's a question HE should be asking, and my answer to him would be a resounding "NO!"
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 January 2016):
 My opinion: You were out of line to call out the portrait.
Sorry, but he obviously has very strong feelings towards this woman and she likely passed away during a time when their relationship was in "bliss" mode. So naturally his feelings are probably very nostalgic and strong for her.
Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself who you would feel if someone did that to you? This deceased woman can't possibly hurt you and if you want to be with a man who hasn't had any previously girlfriends, then I suspect you should try and get with a virgin.
Also at this point you should take a look at the way you deal with arguments and differences of opinions. You may be stating the truth in that "he always feels like he has to win" but the opposite could be true too: you don't like to lose.
If your conflict resolution is poor, where one person always takes it on the chin at the expense of the other person, your relationship will be doomed. Very few people get it right or have the where with all to do this. Hopefully you'll take a moment to see if this is a pattern that will wreck your relationship or whether it is something you can work on.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 January 2016):
Wow, lady, what everybody else said.
You behaved deplorably, and I would say you owe him an apology except for the fact that I think he is far better off without you.
Please leave this man alone. He does not need your toxicity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2016): That was his wife. She died. You're not in competition with her.
You should apologize.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (24 January 2016):
 Q: My questions is, should I bother apologizing to him?
Yes, you should apologize to him first chance you get because it is none of your business what pictures he hangs in the wall. In fact, the picture he has shows that he has lot of compassion for ones whom he loves and you spoiled your chances of being in that club.
Q: Do you think he is weird for having his dead ex's pic on the wall a decade after the fact?
Absolutely not. It shows that he values the woman he is with, something that seems to make you extremely uncomfortable, in the least.
Q: Does it sound like he needs to see a psych. professional?
Absolutely not. He may need a different person to date.
Q: Should I even try to mend this relationship?
This maybe possible if he decides to get in contact with you. If this was me, I would probably be done with you, but you never know because your date may change his mind. However, if that picture is a deal breaker for you, I think you should just let this guy go.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 January 2016):
You owe him an apology. You sound quite insensitive and like a jealous person. Really, you're jealous of his dead ex???
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (24 January 2016):
 he may fall in love with you, but you can't expect him to stop loving his wife that has died.
he can have a place in his heart for you, but is it right for you to take away the place he has for his love that has died no matter how long it has been?
you may have over stepped your bounds and done damage to your relationship wit him. you can not expect him to remove her from his life all together, but you can expect him to make room for you.
yes you need to back down, and give him a heart filled apology , only if it is from your heart with regret of the hurt you may have imposed.
no he does not need professional help from a psych.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 January 2016):
 Would it still be weird if it was a picture of his dead grandparent, or a dead parent or dead child, are people weird for having pictures of people who have died hanging on their walls, or framed on their mantelpieces?
What about people who have pictures of their dead pets, or people who keep the ashes of those dead (and cremated) pets, are people who have the ashes of their loved ones (people) weird? If you think any of these other groups of people are weird would you be rushing to let those people know?
Is there a time limit to how long people should have pictures of dead people on display ....
Who are you to determine what some guy you have been speaking to for a mere 9 months and been on a COUPLE of dates with, can hang on his wall?
Don't you think its weird that somebody who barely knows somebody else can make judgements about their décor?
Personally I would think it very rude for somebody who doesn't really know me to be making such snap judgements. Far better to build a a relationship, get to know each other a little better, if the relationship developed maybe 12 months and lots and lots of dates later you would have been in a position to query the stuff he has hanging on his wall, and when, after a few years, you and he were thinking engagement THEN you could have suggested it might be time for the picture to be retired ....
I think you owe him an apology.
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