A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I don't really know what to do. I'm to the point I'm just about to ghost and say enough is enough. I've got this weird Fwb relationship for roughly a year. 90% of the time, I'll know what to expect from her. The other 10% she just baffles me. And I can't stand it. We are really close. Or so at least I always thought we were. We consider each other very close friends and also sleep together. But just when I think I know what to expect frome her, she completely throws me for a loop.She got back into town from vacation on Wed at 4 am and immediately asked if she could come over and see me. I said she could, as I was still up. She spent the night and all was normal. She then started going MIA on Thur, which isn't normal for us. Disappearing at night and not hearing anything from her when I'm used to her always saying goodnight. Whether that's normal for Fwb or not, it's normal for us. This disappearing act has gone on for days now. And honestly, this is not the first time she's done this. I feel her behavior is very unpredictable and I hate that. I hate not knowing what to expect from day to day. I feel like she makes me a priority in her life and then randomly she stops. Then starts making me a priority again. And honestly, I'm tired of being tugged back and forth. I just want to know what to expect from her so I can adapt. I've vocalized that to her on numerous different occasions. That I need her to be consistent. Yet it seems to go in one ear and out the next. And I'm exhausted from caring.Do I just drop her? She was a good friend. But she's making me feel badly about myself and there's only so many times I can communicate the same thing over without it changing. What to do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 September 2016):
 Honestly, you're better off just ending things. I know you won't want to, but there's no positive outcome that can come from this situation. Believe me.
I basically said in my situation that we are going to make things serious or end things. She didn't want a boyfriend, so I got my answer and I'm no longer being messed around.
I actually think sometimes they don't even realise what they're doing. For me, the girl was a few years younger than me and she had Come out of a long relationship, so I see it like she's just living her life and enjoying herself without having anyone to answer to and she just makes decisions in the heat of the moment without thinking anything through and what implications it may of had on me. We were exclusive to each other at one point but things just got too messed up where I had much stronger feelings than she did and it just wouldn't work no matter what spin we tried to put on it.
We both said we were very sad to be ending things but we couldn't have a casual arrangement as there were too many feelings, but circumstances that meant we just weren't right for each other.
You either need to tell her it's all or nothing or just end things without asking.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you N91. I'm glad to know someone else can relate to how I've been feeling. It makes me feel stupid to think that I would sit there and wait on her responses when she would disappear like that. I find it very disrespectful and unfair to treat someone off and on like that. I don't do that to her. She knows what to expect from me but I never know what to expect from her. And that leaves me always feeling off kilter. It seems very manipulative. Maybe it's not intentional on her part but I don't know why someone would be so unpredictable otherwise. It doesn't seem hard to be consistent. At least not to me.
I've backed off quite a bit today. After all week of her leaving me high and dry, she texted me first thing this morning and I never responded. She sent me another text message a little later on in the day and I responded very casually and that was it. I'm not sure what my next move is. I'm not trying to play games but I'm also not trying to be drug along. So I'm just trying to distance myself a bit because this has been going on for far too long. As I said there are only so many times I can communicate the same thing before I'd just throw in the towel. Thanks for your feedback.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 September 2016):
It could be anxiety. I was in a very similar situation myself recently and the fact that I never knew what was coming next kept me hooked.
When I look back on it I realise it was super unhealthy and NOT even remotely close to what should keep you interested in someone. One minute we would be inseparable, the next we wouldn't talk for 2 weeks. It was a snotty situation because I never knew where I should and it allowed her to walk all over me really.
I realised what was happening and how stupid I was being for allowing this to happen before we spoke and decided to end things because it was just wasting both of our time.
Sure it sucks at first because you miss them, but in the long run you're saving yourself a lot of heart ache.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone has given me very kind and good advice. You're helping me to work everything out in my jumbled head. I still can't figure out if it's feelings I have for her or anxiety I feel toward the instability. Because I feel that I SHOULDN'T care so much when she disappears.
When everything is 'normal', I don't feel anxious or uncomfortable. I know exactly what to expect from her and she fulfills it. When we are like that, I never feel the desire to want 'more' from her nor do I want a relationship from her. But when she withdraws, which happens every few months, it seems, it throws me into a tailspin of confusion.
My ex girlfriend did this to me for years , as she suffered from severe depression and potentially bipolar disorder. Every once in a while, she would withdraw and disappear, sometimes breaking up with me in the process, only to return after feeling better. I learned to fear her withdrawing and wxper9ence severe anxiety over it.
My current situation feels similar, just without the title of girlfriend. We have by both of our standards a very odd relationship. But it usually just works with us. But she randomly does this disappearing out of nowhere, and it leaves me filled with anxiety like no other.
I can't figure out if it's feelings or a lack of knowing what to expect from day to day. I feel like if we only talked every now and then, I'd not stress when I don't hear anything from her, as obviously that'd be what I'd be used to. Is this crazy? I just want to know what to expect from day to day
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (5 September 2016):
 You have to be honest that you've developed feelings for her. Let her make the decision on whether she sees this as a place where love can grow, because if she can't see it, then she's using you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2016):
FWB very, very rarely progress into something serious. If you can't keep your feelings out of the equation then you're going to end up very hurt.
Stop this arrangement immediately as it seems your feelings are starting to take over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): Hi OP.
You have feelings for her now. And this is why her behaviour bothers you so much.
But it's very likely she does not share those feelings.
This is the sad part. FOR YOU.
When she is into the sex part of the equation, she is hanging around you and texting you and making you a priority. So, she's all lovey dovey. And when sex is not first and foremost on her mind, neither are you, hence her putting you on the back burner. Until she's ready for sex again. And the cycle repeats.
Problem is it is really wearing you down. Because she is treating you like a yo yo. And you want to be more than that to her and want more than she can or is willing to give you in return. But she is showing you by her actions that you never will be more than a FWB. And this saddens you.
I know. I am in your position with a male FWB. I have been with him for a long time. Longer than I should be. And he does the same to me at times. And I am so hurt and devastated because I am now in love with him but he does not love me. And he will never be mine. It is torture everyday. Waiting around, hoping someday he will love me. I do know that I should end it. Because the pain will only get worse. But I cannot seem to let him go. I would rather have him in my life in some way than not at all.
These arrangements are pretty tough. Especially for us sensitive, emotional and emotion driven women. We think we can handle it but we fall too deeply. And in the end, get hurt. Eventually we begin to resent them because they are not meeting our needs. Yeah, maybe sexually but one day that will no longer be enough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are absolutely right that Fwb shouldn't be and aren't a priority by nature. I've had a few f*ck buddies and one night stands. And it was always very obviously that, with no strings attached. Called them up for sex and didn't communicate at all unless one of us wanted it. Then disappeared once something better came along, no hard feelings.
But this is entirely different. The lines are blurred A LOT with us and it really messes my head up. We normally speak every day and see each other all the time. She makes me a significant priority; calling and texting all the time. Spending as much free time with me as possible. Going out and going places together. Then she randomly just stops. It's enough to make my head explode.
So while I agree that Fwb aren't supposed to be priorities, she makes me one most of the time. So that when she quits, it completely throws me off and hurts.
I feel as though I need to end it for my sanity because of the back and forth unpredictability. But we were such good friends before. That seems sad.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2016):
 You aren't a priority in her life, you a FWB.
If you still like her as a friend, call her up, sit her down and talk to her. Why not DROP the B (benefit aka the sex) part and go back to being friends only.
A "true" FWB is basically convenient sex when two friends are in a "dry spell", so for it to have lasted a year... may not be ideal. It has help you both back from finding a "real" partner.
It's not going to go any where and I think you both know it.
If you aren't sure you can BE friends any more, then maybe now it the time to put the friendship on the back-burner or end it completely.
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