A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiHope you can help me please. I just don't know how to handle this. I have been married for over a year, together 5. My husband has 2 children, whom I adore. I own a lovely home, which has the potential to be extended, so I told my husband if he can save his money, then I will put him on the deeds - this extension is for his kids to stay instead of sleeping in bunk beds. Instead he has gone to his parents. I am pregnant, so I naturally want our baby to have its own room. Whilst the fact that he always goes to his parents, what I feel most annoyed with is the fact that he smokes cigarettes - why can't he give those up and save his money? My husband also has been feeding me lies, I feel. A year ago he wanted a career change, so we both paid together for him to go to university, he has passed with flying colours and did so well, but he can't be bothered to find another job. He keeps on telling me he does, and I help him by finding jobs, but he can't/won't do it for himself. I am sick of doing it all. He wants all these things and he is a good husband, but It's stressing me out because I am self sufficient, want the children to be looked after so they don't lose their relationship with their dad, but if he can't help either, I am stuck. The conversations have happened but nothing is happening. I want him to realise what he has and work for things, but this just ain't happening and he is relying on his parents and me. What do I do??
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (9 September 2016):
I agree with the previous posters, this man needs to grow up. He has 2 children already and although you are their stepmum you are worrying more about their living arrangements than he is. He doesnt seem concerned to be a stable influence in his childrens lives and he doesnt seem to be interested in changing his ways.
My advice is dont even think of putting his name on your house right now or anytime soon. Dont mess things up for yourself by doing that. You need whatever money and security you can get right now. I would advise you to suggest relationship counselling and if that doesnt work, then go on your own. You need support and advice right now on how to move forward. I wish you the best of luck, you deserve better.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 September 2016):
 His parents are still treating him like a baby allowing him to move back home whenever he wants. It sounds like he has not grown up to be an independent man because his parents are still taking care off him.
Off course you want your baby to have their own room, unfortunately it looks like this man might not be the most reliable husband, yes his intentions are good, but he is not acting like a man, he is not saving up for his future with you and your child (and also his other children). It sounds like he still needs to grow up.
You are annoyed that he smokes, but if he already done this when you met, then you should have decided before marrying him that you did not want to be with a smoker! Now that is coming from someone who does not smoke! When I met my partner he told me he did not want to be with someone who smoked, and I stopped! But your husband obviously does not want to. That is his choice am afraid.
It seems that he is telling you what you want to hear just for an easy life. He sounds lazy. You helped him go to Uni and he has throwing it back in your face by not looking for work. It sounds like he does not want to work, and why would he if mummy and daddy are still spoon feeding him?
You sound like a kind good hearted person who wants him to have a good relationship with you and off course his children, but the work needs to come from him not you. Sweetie concentrate on you and your baby, put yourself first and show him you are not messing about, you live the life that you want for you and your baby, if he is to lazy to help then let him stay at his parents.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2016):
 Let him live with his parents then. Your baby should live in a smoke free environment. Second hand smoke increases the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. Are his kids staying with their own mother? Maybe they should stay there until that extension happens.
I gave up trying to reason why people can't stop drinking or smoking. Do you know, in the Auschwitz camp, the guard warned the workers that if he caught them smuggling in cigarettes and smoking them, they would be executed. Guess what, people still did it. For a few minutes of relaxation and freedom. That's the cost that people would pay, even with their own lives.
People with substances addictions are not fit to be parents. Your husband can study, he has the brains, but found the reality too harsh to accommodate his talents. If your husband can't help you, it's better to not have to see it. I hope you have your parents, your inlaws understand and help you out.
Where does he get money for cigarettes? If it's from you, that has got to stop. If he's in your house he's not allowed to smoke inside. He's not working so he's basically the house husband. He should be sensible enough to know that he can't smoke in front of his kids. If you can't get him to help at least you have to set up boundaries.
You come across as someone who wants to be in charge of everything. Just focus on one day at a time, especially your child.
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