A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Help. I have been ambivalent in whether or not I should stay with my bf. I need a definite answer asap. We have been together for 2 years. We had some really good times, we have a great connection, and we do love and care for each other. Unfortunately, I feel like he just does not make any efforts in so many aspects. I am unhappy with a lot of things that he's NOT doing. I'll give you an idea of what they are. First, when we have sex, I always have to ask him if I want oral sex, and often times he says no or insists that I have to perform oral on him first. It is very annoying to me, and I feel like he should be happy to please me without me asking and doing a favor first. Second, he never thinks of anything for us to do. I always have to come up with ideas for dates and new things. He never suggests to go some place new, take me out, etc. It is very unfair. It bothers me that he does not use his brain to maintain the relationship, while I do all the work. Third, he spends WAY more time with his friends than me. He sees them every single day after work, and he stays with them at their houses until he goes home. I am usually the one who initiates to see him. Finally, he is ALWAYS tired around me. Whenever he initiates to see me, it would normally be to come over to my place to take a nap. He always uses that excuse for his lack of efforts. Once he came over and I suggested going out to get a snack. He said he was really tired so we just took a nap instead.... That's an example of how he's ALWAYS tired around me and using that as an excuse. However, if he is really THAT tired, he wouldnt have the energy to go to the gym everyday with his friends and stay with them every evening, right? It does not make logical sense. Every time I see him, he says he is tired. The bottom line is that he just doesnt put any thoughts into the relationship to make me happy anymore... I do all the thinking mostly.I just don't know what to do anymore. One thing that I like is that he is consistent in texting/calling me. He is also very respectful towards me, very patient, and never calls me names or makes me feel bad about myself. He is a loving boyfriend, but it seems like his head is just not in it anymore. I'm not sure if I should break up with him, or if this will eventually pass? I don't think I can deal with all the things I just listed because this is not a fun or fulfilling relationship for me. It wasn't always like this. He was very thoughtful at the beginning and did really nice and sweet things. I'm not sure if this is the reality phase. Does that phase really feel this stale? OR has our relationship run its course (or him at least) and I should end it and find another relationship later on that suits me better? Thanks for your time.
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male
reader, MugenTj +, writes (22 July 2011):
 It looks like you do want to move on if he continues like this. But it only seems to be that he follow the typical male pattern of relaxing once the chase seems over, especially when he doesn't realize you feel you are taken for granted. Of course, a loving relationship should built on equal partnership, so I think you can expect your man to level with you on most aspects if not taking a larger role. That's why you should prepare a course of action, if you really want things to be different than now, but be sure to have a talk with him to let him know what he is up against.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): I am the writer of this question. I have told him everything. He apologized for everything, and I asked him if this could change. He said that he doesn't know. He suggested us both taking some time to think about everything to see what would work best (not a break). So far, he has been doing pretty much the same thing. Everything has been the same pretty much... I dont know how I'm supposed to come up with anything if I'm just getting the same as what I was unhappy with, so hopefully he came up with something? But It has been 2 weeks and it doesnt seem like he thought of anything.... Should I give it more time, or should I just end it soon? Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Your boyfriend seems like he has some really good qualities, and you say he is very patient and good towards you, so maybe the best thing to do is make him sit down and you explain to him very clearly how you feel about these issues. Ask him if he is really 100 percent happy with how your relationship is or if he can see that there is room for improvement? Try to make it seem like you don't want to critise him, but want to improve things for both of you to be happier, and maybe you can come up with solutions together.
For things like dates or new things to do, maybe you could have an agreement where you both take turns, you suggest the thing one week, then he has to suggest the activity and make the effort the next week, that way you are both involved in the relationship.
He should still spend time with his friends of course, but again there needs to be balance, there is nothing wrong with this but he also needs to spend time with you, actual quality time, not just napping. You are right that if he can make the effort to go to the gym and to see his friends then he should also be able to give you attention to. There has to be at least a few days a week where he doesn't see his friends and spends time with you instead.
But if he is not willing to make any changes and you really find yourself questioning the relationship, I would probably suggest you end it, and find someone who is better matched to you. The only thing I would caution is that alot of relationships naturally get less exciting and more routine overtime, sometimes this only takes a couple of months, sometimes it takes a couple of years, but its pretty common. I guess you need to decide for yourself whether you are happy to accept it as 'reality' or if you are willing to go through the sometime scary process of a break up, being single again and looking for someone new. Neither option is neccessarily wrong, its just whatever suits you best! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 Tell your guy EVERYTHING that you have said here! If he keeps doing the stuff you dont like or not doing the stuff you like,only then will you have good reason to consider breaking up with him(and remember that the grass is not necessarily always greener over the fence...so talk to him first)
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