A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice, should I leave my husband or stay with him and live in eternal pain after his affair, which happened last summer? I will never forget what he did to me and our daughter. I found a text from his tutor at work saying night babe i love you. So obviously he had told her he loved her for her to be texting him that. Anyway they had an emotional affair, and I can't get over it, how will I know if I'm living with a man that loves me or a man that wishes he was with someone else. She has a partner and also a child. My husband and i were like best friends before it happened. I admit I wasn't happy before it either as we were growing apart due to we had recently moved house back to our home country and we were finding our feet, but I would never cheat as I have morals and beliefs of right and wrong. He has been really affectionate since and says he could never live without me and cries when I say we should split up but how do I know he really loves me or he is just too scared to leave. During the time of affair he always stuck up for her etc. as he knew I suspected.HELP -- I am going mad here! He stuck up for her when i called her a slut etc and he said dont talk about her like that you dont even know her. I confronted them by i took the phone off him in the middle of him looking at the message from her. Then i phoned her but she denied it saying they were just messing about. How will i know if it is me he loves more and not her. He said getting involved with her was the biggest regret of his life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): I learned of my husband's 2.5 year "emotional" affair back in January and have been experiencing unimaginable pain every single day since then. We are still together (we have 2 young children) and working with a marriage counselor. He's begged for forgiveness and is more attentive, considerate, caring, loving and helpful. Now that he's come back to me from his own little fantasy world, I believe that he believes he loves me. Yet, none of his recent actions or words does one bit to lessen my pain. I, too, believe that I am moral (he's obviously not) and know right from wrong (he obviously does not). I have called his girlfriend slut, whore, and b*tch. I also learned that he "loaned" her $14,000 which she denies was a loan and spent about $40,000 on her over the past couple of years while we were having great difficulty paying our bills. He treated me as if I were his enemy or, worse, as if I were non-existent in my own home, after his girlfriend moved last year to the same town we live in. I cannot come to terms with his mental cruelty and how he treated me in front of my own children. Do I think he's sorry now? Yes. Does it make me feel any better? Not one bit. Will I ever leave him? Probably not, for the sake of my children. Is that the right answer? Probably not, for me or my children. Unfortunately, given my make-up, I am resigned to living the rest of my life in pain because I am unable to forgive.
I'm hoping that the poster can either forgive and move on with her life or decide to leave him despite children because I am unable to do neither. Knowing that I am incapable of such action and trapping myself only makes me feel worse. I do not wish the kind of pain I consistently experience daily on anyone else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): I understand how you feel, as I've been through (creepily) the exact same thing, although in my husband's case, it was a coworker. I actually broke up with him, but we got back together, and have moved leaps and bounds since the incident happened, but there are still moments when I stop and think whether our whole relationship is just a facade. I sometimes think (in a very paranoid way) whether he's just with me because he's afraid to be alone. On rare occasions when I'm reminded of the incident, I still have raging outbursts.
However, there are things that have helped me to move on from this incident. First, when I broke up with him, he did everything to gain my trust and forgiveness in order to win back. Like your husband, mine is now more affectionate, thoughtful, and considerate. He also reassures me constantly whenever I feel pangs of insecurity and resentment. And I also think that it helped us greatly that he allowed me to express my anger (he still does), and has never stopped apologizing (not by mere words alone). I can really feel his sincerity. I really gave him hell after the incident, and it didn't seem to weaken his resolve to win me back.
On my part, I've also tried to be more patient and forgiving, which is obviously not an easy thing to do. We have tried to reassess all the factors that came into play before the incident... it's a long story... but anyway.. we're working on it. You BOTH need to spend time and energy to make a committed relationship work. However, while it does "take two to tango" as they say, I firmly believe that you have every right to feel anger, doubt, and resentment, and that your husband SHOULD make a real effort to gain your trust back and reassure you of his love and his commitment to your relationship, because YOU are the aggrieved party. While you are not completely guiltless, blameless, and faultless, he needs to acknowledge the fact that he has hurt and betrayed you, and almost jeopardized your family, and make up for it. There will definitely be things that you could have done differently or should work on, but how you're feeling at the moment is only natural. It's easier to forgive than to forget. You also need to acknowledge that you are hurting, before you can move forward. It will definitely take time, but it can work (I'm telling you this from experience).
Good luck to you and stay strong.
OH... I'm sorry for this... but babyduck, you should really be the one to get off your high horse. You should try putting yourself in her shoes... ever heard of the word, empathy? Look it up in the dictionary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): Please can I respond to baby duck? Sorry to use this post but I need to respond to her comments:baby duck, although you make some good points I do not agree with your comments that the poster is judgmental. What did you expect her to do, turn the other cheek? Her husband cheated and now you are blaming her because she is decent? Why are you shifting the blame on to the poster? How is her husband or the husband's lover a victim here? I am so confused by you telling the poster to get off her high horse. I know you have very liberal views but really, this woman is not the one screwing around. And to the poster, you should not be condemned for having morals, integrity and honour. You should not compromise just because you are in the minority or because you will be ridiculed. Please hold your head up high and be proud of your moral convictions.To the original poster, I just responded to your first post. Kindly read it. I hope I made sense there.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 May 2009):
 I think this is for you to decide. You might need some clarity as to what you can expect, from now on.
I a very succint way, I think that, if you stay with him, you can keep your family and much of your life, as it used to be. On the other hand, you don't know if he will cheat again. And maybe your life will never ever be the same, now that the trust has been broken.
I am not sure what would happen if you left.
If I were in a relationship which were going worse over time, I would leave that relationship. But that's me. You have to decide what you will do.
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