A
female
age
36-40,
*ica
writes:Okay, so quick background: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and have known each other for rougly 5. He's 24 and I'm 23. He's always been pretty slutty when single, (but not saying that I haven't had my share too..) but he seems to keep it in his pants relatively easily.. lol We've had problems in the past with him flirting with other girls online, and its obvious that he likes the attention because he has low self esteem, although he is a very intelligent guy. Well I'm smoking hot, but it doesnt seem to matter. I recently found an AIM convo between him and a friend of his on the west coast (note- far away!) where they were flirting, and he told her that he was attracted to her intellectually, amongst other things, etc. If he were in Cali he could pick her up (take that how you will) etc. He says it wasn't serious, and that'd he never go to Cali, but its all actions and motives. I told him that I realize people are attracted to others, and it will continue to happen, but that his behavior was completely inappropriate, very disrespectful and if it happened again, I'll leave him. He wants me to move with him in about 6 months after graduation and is planning his job around where I can attend college, (wants to help pay my tuition etc) but I'm just not sure if he's ready to grow up and act like a man in a serious relationship, or if he's still unsure and looking around. I entertained the idea of writing the girl and simply asking how he approaches her when they do talk, and if its a common thing, I'll just leave him. However I know its usually best to stay out of it and let him handle the situation himself. (Not that I'll ever know) He says he didn't realize it'd upset me so much (a lie) but that of course he never intended for me to read it, (duh) but that it wont happen again, but that I need to stop going through his stuff. I'll add that he originally hacked all of my internet passwords when we began dating, which started off this snooping trend. I would never be the wiser unless I found these things myself. It makes me sick that I feel I cant trust him and need to snoop to find out whats really going on, but I dont know any other way and I dont want to be blindsided after I pack up and move with some guy. So should I just leave him, or try to give him some time to prove he wants to be with me. This poor guy needs some "grow up and act like a man" advice. Anyone have any advice for me? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): OK first off, that "anonymous male reader" that responded to your post... is it at all possible this guy is actually your boyfriend just responding to your post trying to save his ass? You said he snoops through your stuff, has your email passwords and what not, I am just saying it is possible that guy is actually your boyfriend.
Ok, and to respond to your post, I have to say your words hit pretty close to home. I went through the same thing with my boyfriend 2 years ago, and now we are living together and he hasnt changed and my life is a nightmare. Not only do i not trust him due to past events (basically same thing your boyfriend has been doing) but now he refuses to leave when I break up with him. Always sweet talking his way back into my life. ONce a liar, always a liar, just cuz he isnt sleeping with other women behind your back doesnt mean he isnt cheating. What he is doing is wrong. Do yourself a favor and get out of there quick. Or else you will end up like me, and trust me, I would not wish this life on my worst enemy. A relationship without trust is no relationship at all. It is a prison.
A
female
reader, jica +, writes (21 October 2008):
jica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd although I've heard some pretty intelligent and rational points of how to talk the situation out/mull it over, no one's been able to shed light on how I would know whether or not I'm being schmoozed. (Especially as gullible as I am)
The scariest part is the history of this behavior, it seems more like a personality trait to me... (thats why I'm hoping its just a maturity thing) And everytime I want to talk to him in a serious manner, he gives me this goofy look and I cant focus on what I really need to say. I get distracted because I cant stay mad at him in person and its terribly frustrating..
I mean he knew it tore me up the first times it happened, so why would this be any different? Did he just not realize it sthe same thing? He knows how terrible it makes me feel when he flirts on a close level with girls. He's watched tears and eyeliner streaming down my face, and swore he'd never talk to girls like that again, but he didnt think it would hurt me if I ever found out that he was actually telling another girl these things...?
The way he said things to her leads me to assume that he's only settling for me and while yes, he may be willing to set up his plans around me, it is worth it for me to live with a guy who doesn't/can't give me his all? Or is it just convienent for him to have a girl who would do anything for him?
I think many times he goes beyond what he's personally capable of, but so many times I feel completely overlooked.
And he never seems to be genuinely sorry, he says so over a text message or email, but never has seriously sat me down, looked me in the face and said, "I'm really very sorry for hurting you, please forgive me, I love you so much I dont want to lose you." Nor do I even see flowers, or a card or even a heartfelt letter explaining how much he doesn't want to lose me? Cliche, maybe, but its better than nothing. :( It shows effort at least... I just feel like I shouldn't have to tell him to do these things, that if he really cared it'd be common sense or a natural response.
I'm just saying, if there are other girls who he thinks be connects better with, then he's only settling. And thats unfair when I could be with someone who is absolutely head over heels in love with me, and puts in the effort to make me feel so. It sucks to always feel like your love is underappreciated. :(
I just wish he wouldn't keep himself so emotionally closed off to me, and yet open to others. I feel like he's always got a brick wall up and that scares me into thinking there's something going on.
And damnit, now I'm just more confused... geez. :(
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A
female
reader, jica +, writes (21 October 2008):
jica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, well I must admit that sounded like an incredibly personal and defensive response... hmm.... lol
Good one, though. It did give me a lot to think about, hopefully things will clear up soon enough. :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Frankly, while he should be more conservative with his love life while committed, did you not read what you said about him? He's oplanninig his job around where YOU want to go to college, he wants to help pay YOUR tuition, and he has gone the length and asked you to move in with him. If you were just a body he liked, do you really think he'd commit so formally? You also voiced your concern over trust. This is a very important part of any intimate relationship, so TALK TO HIM AND LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY. Then you say what you want to say, but DO NOT immediately jump to conclusions-don't accuse him of being an unfaithful prick. That is not to say that you should just sit there. make it a dialogue, not a monologue on either side. The "dia" comes from the Greek word for two, and the two of you ought to discuss this respectfully, rather than one person going on and on. Back to this issue of trust: you said that he hacked all of your passwords. This could be because of one of two things: he is a creep who wants to control every aspect of your life and know everything you do, and when, where, and with whom. The other cause could be that he feels that you might be turning to other people for things he can't provide- you said you were "smokin' hot," and you seem to be at least somewhat intelligent. He may feel a little underqualified or intimidated deep down- he won't like to hear it, though. But the fact that you said you had to SNOOP AROUND TO trust him just blows my mind; that is not trust, in any meaning of the word. If you are so offended by him invading your privacy, wouldn't you think that invading his would make him feel just as (maybe more) violated?
You also said that when you confronted him about the flirting online, he obviously lied and sleazed and weaseled his way out of it. DO NOT ASSUME that everything he says is a lie, and that everything he does without your knowledge is him cheating and laughing behind your back. As long as he is human, from what I could tell he was genuinely surprised at how offended you were. Instead of blowing up at him and dumping him on the spur of the moment, think through this. Try standing in his shoes for a bit. But most importantly, TALK to him, SAY what you are concerned about, LISTEN to what he has to say, and DISCUSS these issues between you like two decent people. Set up some ground rules you can BOTH AGREE ON. Say that you are very uncomfortable with him being intimate with other women. Don't accuse, but BE ASSERTIVE-say what you want to say firmly but politely, without accusing, and make it clear that you want to talk, but also to listen. Make it clear that if this is going to be a relationship, it has to work for both of you.
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A
female
reader, nikkii321 +, writes (20 October 2008):
please dont wait for this guy to change or grow up because he is not.and guys dont change.. we either put up with them or we leave them..which do u want to do?you are young and hot go and enjoy your life..there are alot of guys out there who r waiting for you and to treat u like u r supoose to be traeted.
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