A
female
age
36-40,
*palmer2187
writes:So I am a 26 year old female living in the Midwest. I have been single for about a year. I am putting myself out there, going on dates regularly and even do online dating....but still no luck. It seems the guys that like me, I don't like...and the guys I like, don't like me. I'll date a guy for a few weeks and they eventually just loose interest. I am not sure what I'm doing wrong. I am a talented, smart, independent women. I am educated with a good career. I have a good apartment and car. I pay my bills on time with very little debt. People say I'm very attractive and pretty. I have a life and I have hobbies. I can cook very well. I am clean. I even paint and garden. I don't mind getting dirty doing manual labor and can also get dolled up for a night out. I am active, healthy and workout regularly. I am very sweet and caring. I am very respectful with great morals and values. When I date someone I don't 'put out' early on. And when things get to that point....I am confident in my bedroom skills lol. Also when I date someone I don't act clingy or desperate. I am not dramatic. If you don't return my text/call...I don't keep texting/calling you and when I hear from you I don't flip out, let alone even bring it up. I feel like I'm a catch with a great balance of everything. Is it possible that guys are intimidated? If so, should I down-play myself? I'd really like to settle down soon so I need to identify what I'm doing wrong, so I can fix it asap. Any advice and insight is greatly appreciated! Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): No don't downplay yourself. If you attract guys as a result, they will be the wrong type of guy. You'd have to continue being a fake barbie doll to keep them interested and the minute you show your true self or slip up they will take off. Look for guys who like you just the way you are.
You sound like you would be an awesome gf for a lucky guy. You just need to keep looking or change where you look for them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): IMHO dating has some things in common with trying to find a job. Sometimes you bust your ass doing everything right for a long time without any payoff. Other times an option just kind of falls into your lap when you weren't even looking for it.
All you can do is keep going out there and trying the right things. The solution might come from that effort or it might not. But either way it is just about the only thing you can do to increase your chances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I know some women go on dates and make a list of things their expecting from a guy. No one lives up to the high standards. So that means all men are jerks and not worthy.Another mistake is drilling a guy like he's on a job interview. Looking for signs of perfection. The only signal the guy receives is that you're high maintenance. Miss "I'm-all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips." A legend in her own mind.I watched one of those match-maker shows on TV last year, and there was this attractive lady who was well educated; but she was a little over-weight. She went over-board with the "I'm proud to be a big girl" bit. Her weight wasn't the issue. It was her attitude.Every guy she was matched to, was asked where he worked, and where he went to college, and never once in her cross-examination did she stop to exchange pleasantries, flirt, or try to charm the guy. She wasn't alluring or sultry.She used none of her feminine charms to her benefit. Dating is when you're supposed to bring them out.She only dates men who earn more than $50K per year. Fine, but some guys only date girls with a waistline smaller than their own. That makes him a jerk.She acted as though she was some prize, and no one was good enough unless they "passed her test." She was 36 years old and hadn't had a date in several years. I found her totally obnoxious and a total space cadet. She was well-dressed. Wore her makeup tastefully. All was well until she opened her mouth. The match-maker took her on as a personal project, she didn't assign her to one of her wing-men. She was concerned for the reputation of her business.If you dismiss guys because you judge them on the spot; you'll never really know if you passed up the guy you were looking for. If you roll up like the "Terminator" ready to kick butt; guys don't find that very attractive in a woman. I sited that woman as an example; because she had a preconceived profile of an imaginary man. She had a distorted over-blown image of her own qualities. She was conceited, lacked poise, and void of feminine charm. Judgmental.If guys didn't meet everything on her upscale grocery list; she was rude, and treated them like they were losers and not worthy of "her royal majesty." I didn't like her arrogant attitude, and her conceit was almost embarrassing. The matchmaker ripped into her to make her come down of her high horse. It wasn't to lower her confidence or self-esteem. It was to force her to stop mistreating men and being so dismissive and rude. She was so impressed with herself, that she was making an ass of herself; and projected it onto the men she met. I'm not saying this is you; but sometimes it takes tough love to get the point across.They had to be well-educated, making a lot of money, never married before; because she wanted to be treated like a queen. She was the female version of an egotistical blow-hard.She was set up on several dates, including just a test run in an upscale watering hole in NYC. She blew every single hookup and blamed the men. She sat down. Laid out her resume and pedigree. She projected the attitude: "So what makes you good enough to be with me?" The match-maker sat in a corner observing her behavior. She was horrified. The guy the lady approached sat with a look on his face that can't be described in words. He was amazed at her audacity.Most of the guys raised their eyebrows wondering what mental institution she escaped from. She ignored advice; because she had convinced herself men are intimidated by her education and success. They didn't even know her and thought she was nuts. I am only trying to say, if you've got some perfect prince dreamed up in your head, and you're comparing real men to some perfect image of a man concocted in your brain, you'll never find him. He doesn't exist. No one will fall in love with you instantly. No one is going to magically sweep you off your feet and ride off into the sunset. Love isn't going to pull up to your house in a stretch limo with a diamond ring, and ask you to marry him. You're going to have to work for it.You will have to stop putting men down and placing them in negative categories; because they don't follow your rules or possess all the perfect attributes listed on your unrealistic grocery list of perfect male traits.I suggested frequent dating. Cover some ground and meet a variety of men. Keep your standards in your head, and don't judge on the spot. Date for fun, stop shopping for a husband or a boyfriend. That's a sign of desperation.Get to know the guy. Stop placing your expectations out there; and expecting people to follow them. They don't have to; and you'll be lonely for a very long time.Men aren't intimidated by successful intelligent women, unless they are vain or conceited. If they carry a condescending air about them, guys just leave them where they're standing. Intimidation isn't the reason; they're simply turned off. Most of the time people get turned off by how they're rejected. If a guy has a cheesy line and his approach is a little awkward, he can be declined politely. You don't have to turn on the bitch. If a guy flirts or comes on to you.Unless he is crude or vulgar, it's a compliment. Humor him. If he didn't impress you on the date, be gracious and dignified. Decline any future contact. Politely!!!If a woman cops an attitude when a guy is flirting with her, then how the hell is anyone supposed to show they're attracted to her? Rolling eyes and snobbery is fair warning that you're dealing with a diva, or the B-word. They're not worth the time of day.Sometimes there's nothing wrong with the men you're dating.There may be something about you that needs work.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 June 2013):
 I don't know if this is your situation, but I have a friend who matches your description fairly closely, only she's 50+ and single. She is deeply bitter that she cannot find a man.
Now, I had a chance to witness her interacting with a single guy (divorced with teenaged children) and she completely tanked herself. She talked about how shallow guys were, talked about her exes, did a LOT of talking and not much listening. She came across as a neurotic, needy woman. Now, she is really pretty, good figure, career, self-starter, all those good things. But she was so negative and blindly so, I wanted to take her to one side and tell her to "LIGHTEN UP, woman, and laugh and talk about the good things in your life!" Instead she complained about the restaurant, the climate, the neighborhood, her neighborhood, the trip, she whined about everything. And I don't think she even was aware of it.
The problem is that there is no way that I can convey this to her. I haven't a clue as to how to tell her to lighten up! And I'm pretty good with that sort of thing as a rule.
Maybe what you are putting out there isn't as positive a vibe as you seem to think it is. I don't know how you check this but start to pay attention to how often you say negative things vs. how often you say positive things.
I have no idea if this is your case but you could ask a close friend about the vibes you are putting out. The problem with this is that you have to be open to hearing criticism of yourself that may hurt you deeply or that you don't want to accept or that you simply can't believe. That's my problem with my friend, she doesn't believe that she's a whiner! How do you deal with that? I have no idea.
Good luck to you on your journey of self-discovery. I hope it all works out for you.
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female
reader, Cpalmer2187 +, writes (6 June 2013):
Cpalmer2187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your responses! But I wanted to say that I only listed my positive attributes to show that I believe that I have what most men are looking for, and that's why I am so confused as to why nothing is working out. I would never list these attributes off on a date lol I just feel like I'm giving this 110% and getting nothing in return except heartache, rejection and a loss of confidence. One can only handle so much. Yes this may sound arrogant, but its frustrating when you know you're doing everything right...when you're giving it your all....when you know you are a good person that is deserving of love just like all your friends and family have.....when you know you have so much to offer....yet everything goes wrong and no one wants you. But I will happily take everyone's advice and keep chugging along. Thanks again! :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): This might sound harsh, but it's something that'll probably help you. There are 2 issues here; firstly, the fact you can list every positive you have but are 'unaware' of any negatives you have speaks volumes. Don't 'downplay' yourself, but do allow yourself to have negative qualities, and recognise them. Contrary to popular belief, nobody wants 'perfect' they want perfect for them. Secondly, you need to relax, you are treating it like a business deal, it's not going to happen overnight, you need to enjoy this period of dating people, slowly finding out about them, meeting lots of different types of people.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (6 June 2013):
 You must not be totalling controlling directing what happens in the date, let the guy do the initiation and feel the need to lead and win your attention. As the previous aunt said talk less and remain a mystery so the person is intrigued.
I also suggest you dont scare the guy away in terms of listing all your success and goals and drives. No guy needs to feel he needs to compete to match you.
Also remember to have fun and be spontanious. No sleeping until you know he is there for the long haul. Be sexy, fun, tease and listen more than talk. He will be eating out of your hands.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I guess the guys you like are the ones who don't appreciate you and the one's who appreciate you, you don't like.
My suggestion is why don't you give a chance to the guys who do like you and appreciate you. They are probably sitting at home thinking the same thing you are thinking: "I am a great catch. Why don't the girls I like, like me?"
Maybe your expectations are unrealistic. You seem to like guys who don't reciprocate your feelings. Give the guys who really care about you and really see something special in you a shot. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Good luck =)
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A
male
reader, LAcreme  +, writes (6 June 2013):
 This is a pretty straight forward answer. Coupled with what YouWish said, you must understand that guys always want to take the lead. They want to be able to explain or teach u stuff (even if u do, don't behave as if u know it all). Men love showing their intellectual superiority in relationships but when you rub off yours on them, then what's more?
I've got friends in your shoes and because I'm friends with them, it was pretty easy for me to point out where they were getting it all wrong.
FINAL BULLET: Judging by your "resume", it seems to talk more than you listen in relationships. LISTEN more!!! And/or get a guy intellectually better than you.
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (6 June 2013):
You can down play yourself yes, but don't keep the positives hidden e.g you're independent etc It depends on the guys you're attracting and vice versa. E.g if a successful businessman came across you, he'd be more than happy. Why? You're unlikely to bleed him dry financially or be a nodding dog and cater to all his wishes. Successful men like a woman that makes them look good and if he introduced you to his business associates, they'd be impressed by the powerful woman you are. I always thought businessmen wanted a bimbo at their side who looked good but said very little. I was wrong. Power attracts power and you'd be a wonderful partner for a successful man because you won't expect him to support you while you do sweet FA. If you dated a poor man who did not work or had a modest job, he may be intimidated by your accomplishments. He may also appreciate that you're independent and won't burden him financially either and may even help him out. This may put you off him. I've found that men are old fashioned regardless of their age or social status. Even young teenage boys hold the door open for a lady etc So you can see the old fashioned manners at such a young age.As a result men, still feel the need to be the hunter gatherers and provide for women. The damsel in distress scenario, appeals to alot of men. By all means be proud of your accomplishments but also show a vulnerable side. Men like to feel important and asking a man's opinion or help with something even if you don't need it, will likely boost his ego. But in terms of finding the right match, you'll have to keep dating to find out. But in the meantime also focus on you and not so much on dating. Potential mates can pick up on subtle clues that may indicate self doubt in you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): If I weren't gay, I'd date you myself!!! You wouldn't happen to have a twin brother?Don't you ever downplay your value. NEVER!!! People have to realize that there is always someone out there designed specifically for you. The point of dating is to enjoy the diversity and to expand your horizons. You learn something from each guy you encounter, and you also make a few connections that may turn into good alliances.Please don't sell yourself short to appease your impatience; or give up in frustration. Love is purposely evasive; because fate has it that we must learn a few things, and tweak our character/personalities before "the right" person comes along. Prepare to wait days, months, or years; if necessary.As great as you are, you can always be better in some aspect. Don't strive for perfection, strive for being loveable and adaptable. There is much you must learn, and you have to up your game.Dating allows you to make reasonable comparisons. You try on several shoes or outfits for the perfect fit or style; before you make a purchase. Right?Adopt the same selective attitude toward men.You have to know what good sex is, you have to know the types of characters you should avoid, you have to know how men think, you have to taste the delicious varieties that may not be the perfect boyfriend. Yet he may be a wonderful date, a wonderful guide on your journey through life, or a good lover. He may teach you things about yourself you don't know. He may not be a keeper, but everyone is worth something in our lives.No one man can possess everything you want and need.It's impossible. We just might come pretty damn close, if you're lucky.Learn to enjoy casual relationships with men. You keep things in check by establishing boundaries, enforcing your principles, and demanding his attention. Give them the best of you as their reward. Save your heart for the guy you intend to fall in love with. Don't use it as a bargaining chip. You'll learn more about players and their games throughexposure to the type. They teach you self-defense. See where I'm going with this? The more types you meet, the less mistakes you'll make. You're great; but not perfect.Stop looking for a husband or a boyfriend. Just look for an attractive and compatible male companion. Stop putting your dates through an interview for boyfriendship, and just enjoy dinner with a hot guy. Go on adventures, and share your talents.I now know how to do a mountain of things I learned from guys I would no longer date; or lost contact with. I valued them for their positive traits. I didn't just dismiss them for not being what I wanted them to be. If I break contact it's usually because there is something negative.You're a hell of a catch, but don't let that crap about biological clocks (and the proverbial race to the alter) force a wonderful woman like you to end up with some bum!!!For goodness sake, you have a lot of good qualities; but you (like so many women) may end up settling for some piece of dog poop. All because love doesn't come instantly knocking at your door. Your girlfriends with boyfriends show off; or your married sister(s) (with or without kids) make you feel you're missing out and your life is passing you by. They're just jealous. Their lives look picture-book, but that's from the outside looking in. Don't let the perceived relationships of others be the drive behind your search. Sometimes they wish they'd waited or they're just settling until they find the right one. Your figure and your nerves are still in tact, and you can sit down on a dry toilet seat. You can change your hairstyle without comment from the peanut gallery, gain and extra pound, and you can call your own shots. You can flirt with a cutie at any given time. So appreciate being single while you can.Don't you think for one moment, that there isn't some guy out there just working his way toward you. It is inevitable. The problem is, impatience will force you to rush things and you'll end up frustrated and broken-hearted. Men are not perfect; but there is someone who is just perfect for you. The lag in time you have between dates is for maintenance and that's your "me-time." I'm single too. So I know that it's not that easy, but I've met some great prospects. I always fall flat on my face when I decide to lower my (reasonable) standards. I have realistic expectations, and I have just the right amount of pride and self-confidence to know that I can always do better. So I keep trying. When I've reached the point that I've met a guy that I know in my heart that I can't do better. That's when I'll stop looking. I'll slow down and see what happens; but I'll prepare to hit the brakes when necessary. You are the new-age woman. You are intelligent, educated, compassionate, and special. Fate is quite aware of that fact; so she's throwing everything at you she can to see how well you'll be able to survive; and she's testing your judgement. You are being prepared for someone. He's is being prepared for you.We run into jerks and tools when we look through the eyes of desperation. We overlook the worst flaws until they become apparent when it's too late. Then we have to survive a breakup. Desperate choices don't come without consequences, my dear!Persevere. Don't be discouraged. You didn't spend all your life becoming who you are, just to give up on love. Now did you? Love is evasive for a reason. Love picks you, and when you take shortcuts around it; you wind up with a lemon. You know exactly what I'm talking about here.So when you meet a guy, enjoy those positive traits you find in him. Stop trying to mold a boyfriend out of every piece of male clay that comes through the door. Enjoy him as he is, for what he is, and if he isn't what you're looking for, politely decline any future dates. He may decide that you're not his cup of tea first. Don't take it personally. Rejection is a favor disguised as embarrassment! I made that up myself. Nothing's better than "self-elimination" for some creepy dudes. You'll meet a lot of those. It's almost comical. I know profiles are like toothpaste ad's. They're always the leading brand, until you date them. They usually end up the leading "tool" on the market. But let your sense of humor get you through those types. They give you something to joke about with your girlfriends. When you stop looking for a husband or a boyfriend, that's when he'll show up. You'll be blind-sided; because you'll learn to stop trying to push square pegs through circular slots. He'll be the one that automatically adjusts to fit.Good luck to the both of us!
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reader, YouWish +, writes (5 June 2013):
 It's interesting that you used the word "downplay".
I can tell you're a pretty intense sort of person anyways, because your post read like a resume here. If you're talking to guys and listing your attributes, I can see where you might want to ease back some.
The idea is to let time be the great bondmaker. If you enter into the first couple of dates guns blazing like you're heading into an interrogation, then of course you'll overwhelm the guy. However, let time show him that you can cook, good in bed, and don't SAY you're not clingy, because saying you're not clingy on a first date says clingy.
Just be easygoing, easy to talk to, a good listener! Talking too much on a date is off-putting. Instead of laying it out on the table on the first date, simply consider it the first of a many-course meal Be Scheherazade! Well, without the impending beheading. What I mean is, give a little bit of knowledge about yourself...keep him wanting to hear more about who you are. Always leave making him want more. Still be yourself, but don't give away the ending too soon!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): Sadly, as much as society has advanced when it comes to women, a lot of guys still want that "damsel in distress". I think that confident women actually can scare guys off.It doesn't help that there's so many anti-wife jokes out there. Things like "what's the easiest way to take a man fishing for the weekend...ask his wife" are portraying women as control freaks who demand all of the power in a relationship.That all being said, I think you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice if you deliberately downplay yourself. You sound like, at your core, you're a confident down-to-earth woman. If you act "dumb" around guys to attract them, you won't attract the right kind of guys. You'll attract guys who are looking for someone who wants to be controlled - and you'll end up being controlled and hating it. Or, the "real you" will come through and the guys will leave anyway.The best guys have their own lives but are made extremely happy when the girl of their dreams decides to be a part of that life. Are there guys like this left? Sure. I even feel like I'm one of them. But in this culture of instant gratification and lack of concern for consequences, finding the right one can be a lot harder.Hang in there. I'm sure he's out there. In the meantime, stay social, spend time out with friends, and talk to people. You never know when that guy will just show up out of nowhere. Never, ever sell yourself out!Good luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): Maybe you come across as overly confident, to the point of arrogance. From the sound of your post - you have your skill set down to a T. You might not be intentionally arrogant, but you do come across that way.
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female
reader, SoManyQuestions01 +, writes (5 June 2013):
I may be a little young to know much on this, but I am very confident in myself as well, and it's a possibility that guys could be intimidated by you, as they are by me. But no, you should not downplay yourself. If you downplay yourself and a guy falls for that you instead of the person you truly are, it will lead to heartbreak or you will lead him into a false relationship. When the right one comes along, you will know, and he will not be intimidated by you. Best of luck!
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