A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I've ruined my relationship. I'll try keep it short...My boyfriend was in a relationship with a girl about three years ago. She had a young son from a previous relationship and he said that the kid started to see him like a father. When they broke up he said it took him about a year to get over it - that he took it really badly.They were together for about a year. From the start of our relationship (9 months) I have had insecurities about her. I bring her up a lot and he had been patient in dealing with me. But today it came to a head. He is really angry that I keep bringing it up. He says he wasn't thinking about her before but because I kept pushing and pushing I have made him think about her a lot more. He says that he feels like he will have to grieve the child all over again. I didn't realise that what he was not over was the child and that he felt he had lost one.He blames me entirely for making him think about and deal with this again. Rightly so. I feel terrible, he is so angry. He said that he needs someone stronger and doesnt know if il be able to change... ( I'm seeing a therapist for the last few weeks). He said he is only willing to give it a shot is because we live together but if I ever snoop on him again - it's over, he's gone. He doesn't want to deal with drama and shit in his life.What can I do? I'm determined to change my thinking. He is sleeping on the couch tonight, he didnt want me to go and stay with my parents for a few days but is ok to sleep on the couch. I will give him that space. What if he changes his mind and decided to leave? How do I deal with this situation? I'm so full of shame and guilt - I never realised it was the child and not the girl that he found so hard to get over. I've been stupid and I hate myself right now. He thinks I take pleasure in sabotaging my own happiness. :'-(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): I think your boyfriend gave you too much information...do you really need to know that it took him a year to get over her? I mean I am assuming that you asked, and he wanted to be honest with you. I think bringing up past relationships is so bad on a new relationship. You two should be enjoying your current relationship and not comparing it to what happened in the past. My ex boyfriend used to do that without me even asking. He used to bring up past relationships and I never knew why. I never asked and didn't care. It doesn't look good on you that you keep dwelling on his past. It is over. Enjoy the present with him. Don't be so insecure. If it makes you feel any better, it is not that cool that his ex has a baby from another man. I mean, realistically, you already have a one up over her in the fact that you don't have kids, I assume?? Be confident in yourself. He will love you and will love you more than you can imagine if you stop this insecurity and be better than anything he has ever had.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (5 June 2013):
Well, I see where he's coming from 100%, the only exception being that you'll never change. You're obviously taking the steps to do so and that's great, but in the end the power to change all comes from you.
He may break up with you, and if he does you'll have learned a valuable lesson. Until then, give him the space he asks for, never talk about his ex again, and realize that if things end it just means that you have some changes to make and that you're not on the same page as him right now.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 June 2013):
 I don't know that you take pleasure in sabotaging your own happiness, but he's right that you *are* sabotaging your relationship. Insecurity is a repelling thing in someone, and no relationship can possibly stand when someone has to constantly reassure their partner over and over.
He's given you signals of the relationship threatening to break, so you need to take charge of your own insecurity and do what you need to do, or losing him won't be the only relationship that cracks under that amount of pressure.
Stay in therapy. That is a good thing. Let the therapist handle your anxiety, and when the feeling arises to try and bring up things even in a passive/aggressive way, do the exact opposite of your urge. Instead of question him about it or rifle through his things, call a couple of friends and go out and hit the town or enjoy a hobby or something like that.
Give your boyfriend space. Apologize for putting so much pressure on the relationship and tell him that you hope he gives you the time to grow and evolve beyond the insecurity.
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