A
male
age
41-50,
*rays4Grace
writes:Should I pray my way through "red flags" that reveal a selfish and controlling personality in my husband or am I being a blind fool to keep trying to find a way to respect him when he blatantly disregards the feelings of me and my children? In the midst of some recent conflict over finances, he says the only thing he's looking forward to is spending time with his son (our baby is due in about 9 weeks)and I see how hurt my 12 year old son is that my husband never followed through on his promise to adopt him. My husband has crushed my son's spirit in many ways and he's breaking my heart day by day, one little piece at a time. I've asked for counseling and he says, "We can't afford it. I just need you to be strong." I am strong but I'm hurting.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): Vow, I ahve a lot of empathy for you and your situation; please try and discuss yur pain and hurt with your husband; explain to him about your son;
BUT
also do pay special attention to your son; talk to him and let him know that he is very special to you; that he is your eldest son; will always be very special etc; tellhim how much you will need his hep with the baby; make him feel part of it and make him feel important.
Best wishes with the remainder of the pregnancy and the birth!
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (21 June 2008):
 OK sweetheart I think you need to try to get through the rest of your pregnancy with as little amount of conflict as possible as this is not good for you or your baby.
What you do need to do is explain to your husband how much you see your son is hurting right now and that just isn't fair. He is openly talking about your unborn son and this is affecting your 12 year old boy at a very vunerable time in his life, hormones are raging through his body right now and your husband needs to remember what it was like at your son's age. OK so he is not your son's natural father - where is his natural father btw? Does he have any emotions over the fact of your husband adopting your son at all?
How long ago did your husband talk about adoption? Was this before you became pregnant or since? How did his opinions change was this when he knew the sex of your unborn baby?
So money is tight, well that isn't going to improve overnight and prioritising what is needed the most would be the best thing to do.
Why not sit down with your husband and ask him outright when perhaps your son is in bed whether the reason he has stopped talking about the adoption is because of your unborn son or money issues as adoption must have a monetary implication as well as the legalties of it all must have a cost attached to finalising everything so it is legal and above board.
Perhaps this could be the reason why he is holding off but if it is you need to know and so does your son as right now he is just feeling unwanted and unloved and of course you are both excited about bringing your new baby into the world but maybe suggesting some one on one time with your husband and son perhaps throwing a ball in the park which doesn't have a cost implication may mend some bridges here.
I think when things calm down a little perhaps counselling would not be a bad thing but as things are strained right now and you are feeling more vunerable as you are pregnant you are going to be feeling that things are possibly much worse than they are right now.
If after your baby is born if your husband is still treating you in a selfish manner together with your children then you really do need to get help from an unbiased source such as someone for mediation or something or tell your husband that you are totally fed up with things as they are and unless things change you do not know what the future will hold, maybe this would then give him a shock that he needs. You may have to think though that if this baby is his first child then he may fight for all types of access or custody so if he is that controlling make sure you are strong enough to cope with a possible battle on your hands OK.
I am just trying to make you see both sides of this relationship of yours but at the end of the day no one needs to stay in a controlling relationship where your husband tells you how it is going to be. However do sit down calmly and try to talk out of earshot of your children as animosity is not good for them or you right now.
Here any time OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (21 June 2008):
 talk to him. tell him how you feel. you cant live like this honey can you? and you obviously have feeling for you seeing as he is your partner!
talk, talk, talk and maybe go for some marriage counselling.
try not to let things turn messy and you should be fine. i hope this advice is usefull..... i know a lot of people are on here because they dont want to talk, but it realy is the best way, and it does work. i hope this works out for you, and please emmail me to let me know how things go on.
all the best
love hayle
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