A
male
age
36-40,
*onfused...22
writes:So, my girlfriend and I have been dating for four years. I am 22 and she is almost 23. Our relationship started out as a long distance relationship (me in MD and her in NY). I met her at my brothers wedding, as she is my sister in laws cousin. Things had not always been great and I was a jerk some as I was young and was concerned with working, making money, etc. I was stupid and I did not give her as much respect as she deserved. When I was 18-20 it would be hard for me to deal with some issues and I would tell her if I can't talk to you about something I don't want you to be alone talk to my friends , my brothers , her family, etc. (she moved down here almost two years ago for graduate school and me).She became close with one of my best friends (25) and I began to look like it was too close as she would talk to him about our problems and he would talk to her about his relationship problems (with her cousin). My friend has always talked about trying to get into their family because they have money and he does not want to work. So basically i have been telling her for at least 7 months that i am really uncomfortable with her friendship with him because they had been constantly texting, IM'ing, emailing (signing everything with hearts and sometimes saying I love you). She would always hide the computer or texts from me making it more suspicious. Then I took her to the Bahamas for a week and he could not leave her alone and she made sure to email him everyday. I ended up finding out that she told him that she would be thinking of him and that she loved him... while we are on vacation. She still has feelings for me as she came on to me for sex and other acts of affection. Then the night we left I saw a conversation with him that he told her he loved her and wanted to be with her and when we returned it was not fair that I would still be her boyfriend. I confronted her told her my feelings and she told be I was being ridiculous. I asked her to put herself in my shoes and she claimed that she would be fine as long as she trusted me. I did trust her, but she had lied to me about hanging out with him before.When we returned I told him i did not appreciate him making her feel guilty that she was on vacation with me, her boyfriend of 4 years. I also told him that because of the things that he said I did not feel that we could be friends anymore. I said some snide things which are not like me and did immature things like putting things he said online in public view (not like me to do), but then I took them down within hours when she confronted me because it was a stupid/immature thing to do. She and I went on a break, she called me to tell me she wanted to fix things and that she understood. After a week and a half of working things out she felt it appropriate to hang out with him alone at her apartment, even though I told her that I was really uncomfortable with him and even though I missed him as a friend of 20+ years, I was not comfortable and she did it anyways and he did not leave her house until after midnight when she has graduate school at 9AM. It does not seem like she care about my feeling as he is already back in the picture. She said if you can't trust him trust me. What do you think?
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a break, best friend, cousin, I love you, immature, long distance, money, sister in law, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, supermum  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 with you feeling so upset babe, i wouldnt try to sort things out. im sure you can do tonnes better as you sound like a really nice guy!
A
male
reader, Confused...22 +, writes (26 June 2008):
Confused...22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, it's over. I feel as though we don't understand one another and our wants and needs. I can say that I don't believe that I will ever be "fully" happy again even if I find love again. She will always be in the back of my mind no matter what. I can't even find a way to hate her or make myself not love her, which I don't want to do. I feel lost, betrayed, and like my heart was just ripped out of my chest. I know many others have been through this. What do you think the chances of us eventually working things out will be? I love her, her family, and every second I spent with her even when we were fighting. She feels that it will not work because we are still mad at each other, but she is also not willing to step away from the friend. I had found out that they talked every night almost for hours on end, about what? I don't know and it could have been innocent, but I will never know and the lies are eating me up inside. The only Lie I have ever really told her was today, when I told her it was over and I did not want to be with her anymore and that I could not put up with the lies anymore.
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A
male
reader, Confused...22 +, writes (24 June 2008):
Confused...22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to make sure I cover everything too so I am fully telling the story too. I just want to add that in the last few months I got extremely suspicious and ended up looking through her personal emails, texts, messages (a few times once on accident as she was logged in and I thought I was, but then I looked anyways after I noticed and then when we returned from the trip I went threw her stuff and took all of the emails/conversations they had to see what I was missing). I don't want to be innocent and having never done anything wrong. i will never make an excuse for looking through her things as it disgusts me and I have lost a lot of self respect for myself in doing that and I have yet to forgive myself for that. So we do have reasons not to trust one another right now...
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Dump her.
She's got guilt written all over her and she doesn't deserve someone like you.
If she really respected your wishes; she would've agreed to cut ties with him because she knew it made you uncomfortable and because she loved you, your relationship was more important then a new friendship.
She made her decision and it's not right of her OR your friend to go about hurting you like this.
Let them have each other, she's probably going to be miserable with guilt from what she put you through and will end up wanting you back again (just like this break you took; she missed you but still had no qualms letting your ex-friend stay until 12 am.)
If you really want to save your relationship - use the link that the anonymous advisor gave you and see if there's anything you can do. I'd suggest just giving her an ultimatum...
Take Care and I wish all the best for you!
xo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): please visit www.marriagebuilders.org and see the sections on "surviving infidelity" and emotional needs... that will give you a sense of what you're dealing with and why.
She and your ex-friend were spending way too much time together and he fell in love, and she is on the verge of falling in love with him if she hasn't already -- to be cured they have to cut off all contact as you know.
Moreover you have to start supplying whatever it is that she's been getting out of her relationship with your friend (admiration? conversation?)
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A
male
reader, Confused...22 +, writes (22 June 2008):
Confused...22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI need some more opinions. I love this girl more then anything and am committed to her and to working things out. Is it right that I give her an ultimatum or should I let her make the choice? I am willing to fight for it as long as she will too, but I will not stick around if it is only me trying.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (22 June 2008):
awww baby, that sounds awfull.
you soundlike a really decent bloke, so hopefully you will find a really decent girl, and, some really decent mates.
i think maybe it is time to lick your wounds and move on. all the best
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A
male
reader, Confused...22 +, writes (21 June 2008):
Confused...22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is we were on a break... which only lasted a week. We called each other and bitched at each other (tuesday-wednesday) about stuff then on the following saturday she called me at midnight upset and wanted me to come talk. I told her I wanted to but felt that she was only calling me because she was upset and if she still wanted to talk call me in the morning. So she did, I went and talked with her told her how I felt and she said she understood and would put us before anything else in her decisions and surrounding him. He had been a friend for 20+ years. I have always felt him manipulative, so after we got back from our trip after the inappropriate conversation happened I confronted him and told him how I saw him and that I could not believe him and that I did not feel we could be friends anymore, which really hurts just as bad as having problems with her. After a week and a half of him being out of the picture things were going well between her and myself. On monday we went out to dinner and she asked me do you mind that I am going to my sister's dance recital alone (we were supposed to go and my "friend" was supposed to come too). I told her I figured that was going to happen, then without asking for a reason, she said it's just I dont feel that it would be fair that you get to go and he (my "friend") not because this was something he was looking forward to also. Then she said..., but don't think I am treating you guys as equals because I'm not. I almost flipped out but I waited to see what would happen. This whole time we are back together I had been telling her how uncomfortable I was with him being around and that I don't know when, if ever I would be.
I told her the next day how that reasoning did not sit well with me and then she said, oh that's not why... I just wanted to get away from you because last weekend when I went home I really liked that I missed you... I said then why would you say the other excuse, especially with everything that has gone on?... No response could be given, but "I don't know, that's not why though." She told me that she wanted to catch up with him this week because he was still her friend and she had forgiven him already... big surprise. I told her I was extremely uncomfortable with it, but I was not going to tell her what to do because I have no right to make decisions for other people, I can just say how I feel. Then wednesday we go out to dinner with her dad (who was in town for the day) and her aunt/grandmother (who she had not seen in over a month who lives here) and after dinner (we finished around 8:30) we went back to the house and we both left after 5 minutes. I walked her to her car and she said she was going to call the "friend" to see if they could hang out. I told her again, I am extremely uncomfortable with him coming over and her hanging out with him alone. We parted ways and she told me I'll call you when I am going to bed. I went to a friends and talk to him and then I noticed it was 11:20PM and she had graduate school the next day at 9am-7PM. I sent her a message then asking when they would be done and if she was at her place. She responded at 11:45 saying I'm home, not sure when I'll be done. I sent her another message saying then call me when he leaves. She responded at midnight and and said is everything alright, I replied I need to talk, then she replied fine. I get a call at 12:20 am to tell me that he had left and I told her how inappropriate I felt it was that he was there this late and at all since he had not even talked to be about stuff, as he told me he wanted to do. She said snidely fine then I just will not be his friend because that is what you want... The next day I talked to her and told her again how inappropriate I felt it was that she was bringing him back in after only a week and a half and less then a month since he had told her he loved her and wanted to be with her (his excuse was that he was really drunk and he was projecting his feelings for her cousin on her, which I had been telling her for the last 7 months). She stared at the wall and said I have already told you how I feel. She would not converse, then she told me she thought I should leave, so I asked her what was more important, having his "friendship" or working things out between us? she got mad and told me to leave and I told her I would once she answered, then she said so you are making me choose, you said you would never make me do anything! I said I'm not telling you what to do, just answer the question, she said leave! so I said I think we got back together too quickly, you don't get it. I then took my stuff and left.
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A
male
reader, Confused...22 +, writes (21 June 2008):
Confused...22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is we were on a break... which only lasted a week. We called each other and bitched at each other (tuesday-wednesday) about stuff then on the following saturday she called me at midnight upset and wanted me to come talk. I told her I wanted to but felt that she was only calling me because she was upset and if she still wanted to talk call me in the morning. So she did, I went and talked with her told her how I felt and she said she understood and would put us before anything else in her decisions and surrounding him. He had been a friend for 20+ years. I have always felt him manipulative, so after we got back from our trip after the inappropriate conversation happened I confronted him and told him how I saw him and that I could not believe him and that I did not feel we could be friends anymore, which really hurts just as bad as having problems with her. After a week and a half of him being out of the picture things were going well between her and myself. On monday we went out to dinner and she asked me do you mind that I am going to my sister's dance recital alone (we were supposed to go and my "friend" was supposed to come too). I told her I figured that was going to happen, then without asking for a reason, she said it's just I dont feel that it would be fair that you get to go and he (my "friend") not because this was something he was looking forward to also. Then she said..., but don't think I am treating you guys as equals because I'm not. I almost flipped out but I waited to see what would happen. This whole time we are back together I had been telling her how uncomfortable I was with him being around and that I don't know when, if ever I would be.
I told her the next day how that reasoning did not sit well with me and then she said, oh that's not why... I just wanted to get away from you because last weekend when I went home I really liked that I missed you... I said then why would you say the other excuse, especially with everything that has gone on?... No response could be given, but "I don't know, that's not why though." She told me that she wanted to catch up with him this week because he was still her friend and she had forgiven him already... big surprise. I told her I was extremely uncomfortable with it, but I was not going to tell her what to do because I have no right to make decisions for other people, I can just say how I feel. Then wednesday we go out to dinner with her dad (who was in town for the day) and her aunt/grandmother (who she had not seen in over a month who lives here) and after dinner (we finished around 8:30) we went back to the house and we both left after 5 minutes. I walked her to her car and she said she was going to call the "friend" to see if they could hang out. I told her again, I am extremely uncomfortable with him coming over and her hanging out with him alone. We parted ways and she told me I'll call you when I am going to bed. I went to a friends and talk to him and then I noticed it was 11:20PM and she had graduate school the next day at 9am-7PM. I sent her a message then asking when they would be done and if she was at her place. She responded at 11:45 saying I'm home, not sure when I'll be done. I sent her another message saying then call me when he leaves. She responded at midnight and and said is everything alright, I replied I need to talk, then she replied fine. I get a call at 12:20 am to tell me that he had left and I told her how inappropriate I felt it was that he was there this late and at all since he had not even talked to be about stuff, as he told me he wanted to do. She said snidely fine then I just will not be his friend because that is what you want... The next day I talked to her and told her again how inappropriate I felt it was that she was bringing him back in after only a week and a half and less then a month since he had told her he loved her and wanted to be with her (his excuse was that he was really drunk and he was projecting his feelings for her cousin on her, which I had been telling her for the last 7 months). She stared at the wall and said I have already told you how I feel. She would not converse, then she told me she thought I should leave, so I asked her what was more important, having his "friendship" or working things out between us? she got mad and told me to leave and I told her I would once she answered, then she said so you are making me choose, you said you would never make me do anything! I said I'm not telling you what to do, just answer the question, she said leave! so I said I think we got back together too quickly, you don't get it. I then took my stuff and left.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): This is not a normal behavious on their side. It seems that she can't make her mind who she likes best. Even if she likes you more now, a couple of years down the line you will have a petty fight and she will run to him. Whether for sex or just for a chat it obviously bothers you and I don't see this relationship going much further. You seem an affectionate boy and she is not giving you back what you deserve. You are very young and you will find love again.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (21 June 2008):
you need a chat with your mate... there are rules that just are not meant to be broken... and he is breaking one of them. if she is responding in an inappropriate mannor, then ditch them both, if not, tell your mate he is making her feel uncomfortable and could he please stop
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