A
male
age
36-40,
*onfusedHusband
writes:Hie..I just got married about a month ago and I am already thinking about separation. The reason behind it is that i do not think my wife is a good wife. We hhad a history where were were dating for about a year and broke up due to commitmant issues. We recently got back togather and decided to get married. My whole family was against it and i even got disowned from my family because i decided to marry her. I am the only son in my 3 siblings and sort of an old age guarentee and leaning shoulder for my parents.My problem is that my wife and i sort of have a long distance marriage where she is working far away from home as a flight attendant in an airlines company while i am a military officer in my country. The time diffrence between us is about 5 hours where i am ahead 5 hours from her. Before getting married, my wife seem to care for me when we were going trough the dilemma of my parents trying to separate us. After we got married, i vowed to be a good husband.I am not joking, i call her most of the time even when it costs me a bomb to do it. I sacrifice my food money just so i could buy some airtime to talk to her. i wake her up every day to go to work and i do ask her what and where she is doing and eating every single day. I also could not sleep peacefully at night when my wife is out clubbing with her friends where she comes home at 3 a.m and its 8.am in my country and i have to get to work. So I do not get any sleep at all that day. I tell her that i do love her every single day, kiss her good night trough the phone every night and be around everytime she calls or txt me on my mobile. What do i get from her?... She started to be a stranger to me, she used to answer my calls even when she is sleeping last time but now days she just does not andswer and says that the phone was on vibrate mode and she could not hear. She is constantly sleeping about 12 hours a day and tells me that she is sick and needs to rest. I doubt she is cheating on me but she did have a couple of flings before we got married and befre we got back togather.My wife does not even care to ask me if i had eaten or not, how was my day and how am i feeling. She does it sometimes but most of the time, everything is about her. Itz allways that i am being too much of a husband and im expecting too much. She also had many heartbreaks before we got married and every man that she has cared and loved so far did dump her. She says that she forgot how to show her love and affection and since we have this distance between us, she says that i have to take care of myself. I feel that she treats her friends better than she treats me and she has more guy friends than girl friends. Reason being is because she says that she has a problem getting along with girls.My question is, should i still stick around this woman that does not appreciate me at all or should i carry on and get separated. I have been taking care of myself and her but she has not been taking care of her husband. It is emotionally killing me inside and financially, our arguements have cost me to sacrifice 70% of my monthly salary on phone bills. I seriously need advice from a third person expecially female reader's because i want to know if this kind of behavior is normal for a woman. We have gone trough quite a lot to get married and i do very much dearly love her from my soul. I really want my marriage to work and am trying my best to make her understand but we just end up fighting. Thanks guys for taking your time to read this.
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broke up, clubbing, divorce, long distance, military, money Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ConfusedHusband +, writes (21 January 2010):
ConfusedHusband is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys for your opinions and suggestions on my dilemma. I really appreciate it as it has opened a new perspective to me. It's sometimes quite hard to be apart from someone that you love dearly and I guess that’s the main reason why my mind starts to bring up the imaginary situations and all. I really appreciate your kind advices. Like what we say in the military, wounded by a bullet, I’ll still stand and fight, wounded by a woman, I’ll drop and die.. Thanks again guys.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 January 2010):
 Is this long distance going to be a permanent situation? Are you guys eventually going to actually live together?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): I agree that your wife was keen to become a Mrs but probably didn't think through how everything was going to work once you were married. She clearly enjoys her work but I do think that she should make an effort to get a posting closer to you or even in these enlightened times should stay with her husband. I am older but had to give up my career to be with my husband. I wasn't too pleased at the beginning but then kids come along and now I couldn't be happier. A few minutes on a phone doesn't maintain closeness, it is rushed and people misinterpret things and feelings as you are not seeing them face to face. I would say to her that you can no longer afford these calls and will be communicating by texts and limit the calls to 2 per week. It is ridiculous that she relies on you to wake her up. It doesn't appear that she is making much of an effort. Sometimes the thrill of catching someone is what it is all about, especially if the relationship was a hard one and then when effecively you have been chosen over family etc and proven to be number one the interest dies. It was like that with my first marriage. I had to strive really hard to get him and then once I had I really lost interest. We just totally stopped trying with each other and because of my disinterest he distanced himself from me. I accept her job is very tiring and the time zones don't help at all but a lot of effort has to be made in the early stages of marriage. I would start texting and cutting back on the calls but have a serious chat when you see her face to face. In the UK you have to wait a year before you can divorce and I don't know the rules in Malaysia but I would hang on a bit and talk face to face before doing anything.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (20 January 2010):
Your number one problem is that before marriage you did not discuss your divergent work schedules AND your expectations of each other. It sounds to me as though she was just desperate to be Mrs Somebody and now that she achieved that goal she is wondering if the effort was worth all she went through. But there is something you saw in her that made you fall in love so you need to talk to her about this before you give up. Perhaps one of you need to take leave from work then go to marriage counseling, or perhaps one of you needs to seriously consider changing jobs. A new marriage cannot survive separation this early. How will you start a family? You should meet and decide how you want to plan your future, then together you stick to that plan. If its still not possible to be together then plan how you are going to communicate. I was in a long distance relationship which also cost a lot so when we met we decided on 2 texts a day, a call every Saturday and mostly communicated by email which was the cheapest foe both of us. Being a flight attendant is very tiring so maybe she is really tired. But don't tell yourself and psyche yourself up that she must be doing something. This all just sounds like a lack of communication. Because of limited talk time on the phone + distance, try avoid bringing up problems then. Wait until you meet in person to do that. All the best.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 January 2010):
 It is like out of sight, out of mind.
If I am not going to see my boyfriend for a while, I would always make sure that he still wants me, and would promise to make time for each other again.
It's a lot of sacrifice to be a flight attendant. How much days does she have off each month.
If you can't even see her a five days in a month, and she's doing the same job for five years, then I say it's not worth it.
Sleeping for 12 hours a day is not normal. Clubbing until 3am shows that she is lonely.
She established herself in her career and it's hard for her to quit. If I were married I am willing to stay home with my husband if I had to. I am Asian living in Canada.
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