A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The idea that I am writing this is still odd. I was looking online to find signs of a cheating spouse and I came across this, so here I write. For the last year I have had this growing suspicion that my wife of 13 years has been having an affair. Of course she tells me that it is ridiculous and she would never do such a thing especially with our son's coach. The coach is single and mid thirties. He is I guess good looking, but a loser who doesn't even live on his own. They developed this "friendship" which I wasn't suspicious of at first because my wife has always had guy friends. She is one of those women who relates well with men. It is not really like her to cheat on me and I know many men have found her attractive, but this time it is different. The guy barely says hello to me, but texts her all the time or calls late at night to talk. We have had a bad year. I am a recovering alcoholic who has really put her through hell and had bad relapses last year. I think she may have talked to him about this. If nothing else, I think he might be falling for her. I read her texts and usually they are just silly sarcastic joking--not sexual. They have been at tournaments when I wasn't there, but she laughs when I even suggest such a thing. But still, I think there is more to this relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): I have been in the same situation as your wife so i have decided to share my experince with you. The reason why she is paying so much attention to the coach is because there is a void in her life. I suspect she has emotional needs that you are not attending to...you need to take your wife out regularly and tell her that she is beautiful and special to you. The coach is probably doing a better job at this than you are thus she keeps on talking to him. I am not sure if she is sleeping with him but if you not careful if she is not currently...she will eventually if you don't wake up because everytime they communicate their relationship grows while yours with her is crumbling. As i said i have been in the same situation my ex-husband was a binge drinker and when he was drinking he wouldn't care about me or my feelings or my needs...i found another guy who was more understanding and yes initially i didn't sleep with him...but as we talked we got closer until the emotional intimacy between us was strong enough and we did have sex ( that was after i left my husband). WAKE UP NOW AND CLEAN UP YOUR ACT!!! because the longer you slack off the more damage will be done in both relationship. Good luck :)
A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (20 January 2010):
 I don't know if she is cheating, but I do see your concern. There is absolutly no reason why a man needs to text or call your wife, expecially your son's coach. Now is not the time to sit idly by and wait to see if your hunch comes to fruition. You need to tell her to end this friendship because it is ruining your relationship. Find your son a new team.
Now, for you. You need to be more involved with your family. Your wife doesn't seem like the person who would stray.....But with that said, you haven't been providing for sll her emotional needs. If you haven't already, get help with your alchocolism problem. Let your wife know that you are truely vested in this relationship. Frovide for her emotional needs so she doesn't have to get it from the coach.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): You don't go into how your relationship is right now but considering she is talking to him and not to you indicates that it isn't going well as you have not been there for her.
It is apparent that she is smart and has thought about you looking at her phone so it is obvious nothing explicit will show up there.
You have to push out this guy by being there emotionally for your wife. She doesn't have it with you so he is there complimenting her and listening to her problems and having an emotional affair with him while you have the willful blinders on.
Start dating your wife again and acting with her as if you were trying to woo her before you met her. You have a lot of work to do. You have to make sure your wife cuts off this other guy that is going to replace you if you don't take ownership of the problems in your relationship.
Ya, I think your gut instinct is right.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (20 January 2010):
It sounds to me like she just has a good male friend who has been supporting her through your illness. Unfortunately, asking her to give up this friendship or even confronting her about it may well be the straw that broke the camel's back. She has suffered terribly through your illness and obviously sacrificed a lot to be with you and then now is expected to give up the friendship. I think you would be on dangerous ground to be suspicious without proof. After all you have done to your marriage and family surely she would have divorced you if she was interested in someone else. Its time now for you to nurture your marriage, show lots of affection, spoil her a little bit. Bring back that love you shared that brought you together. If you are still emotionally unavailable and appearing selfish, cold and distant as most alcoholics do, then maybe she maintains the friendship as a safety net. Give her a reason to let it go by being there for her like this coach has been.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): I think if something were going on, she would be more secretive and their texts would have some kind of sexual element to them, but it is definitely a dangerous situation.
I know others have mentioned it, but I need to reiterate what your disease has done to her emotionally...in order to rectify some of the damage that was done to her ability to trust in you, you will need to put in some effort to woo her back and regain her trust.
The soccer coach is probably looking pretty good to her right about now, after being abandoned in the relationship for a bottle of alcohol, hell anyone would look good after that. I am sure you were not very attractive when you were drunk.
You need to stop worrying about weather or not they are having an affair and instead, work on winning your wife over . Pretend you have just met, romance and pursue her. Take her on a date, rub her back, fix her dinner, buy her a trinket...if you don't, he certainly will try.
Her loyalties will be with you and you can re-solidify this relationship with a little bit of effort. Your wife has put up with a lot of bad behavior from you, show her your good side :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): im sorry to hear that you are having this issue but something i must say and you may not want to hear is
maybe your feeling a bit guilty? You are recovering and that is GREAT... but, while you were gone.. she found what seems to be someone to confide in, talk with, be there... etc.. all the things you could not be at the time.
Is she having an affair? I don't think so, but I can tell you that if you do not sit down and communicate with her your wishes, your sorrow for what you have done, and how you want to mend your relationship she may just find a man in her friend that she can relate to.
I have seen what alcohol can do to a relationship.. the wife did cheat.. but, they made it through counseling and have now been married 25 years..but, it could have been avoided had he spoken to her and been open and honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): 'she laughs when I even suggest such a thing'...
that may well point to infidelity. If there was nothing going on, her reaction might have been a bit more - affronted? Adamant?
But he's calling her late at night...perhaps this is all completely innocent. But you have your suspicions, they've been mounting for a year now, and they don't exactly sound baseless. Keep an eye on this one.
And bear in mind that women are generally thought to be far better at 'covering their tracks' than men. (Definitely not a universal truth, perhaps she's hopeless at covering her tracks, some women are.) The fact that the texts you've seen are non-sexual doesn't preclude the possibility that sexual texts might have been deleted. Are her whereabouts unknown to you from time to time?
Or maybe there's nothing at all going on with her son's coach. Therefore, nothing to worry about. So you'll need to monitor the situation, until you've eliminated any doubt that anything untoward is going on.
I wish you luck
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