A
female
age
36-40,
*ittledebbicakes
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. We met through friends and we fell for each other quickly. I moved in with him about 7 months after we got together. A couple of months the move in we discussed marriage and were both in favor of making the commitment. We both decided we would like to own a home before we got married which we did. The plan was for him to get me an engagment ring after we got the home. The home has had multiple problems and we have had to pay a lot of money towards the home so in turn no money for a ring. Also just shortly after the purchase of the home he was layed off, received a severance and has been on unemployment over a year now. I have been understanding about not being able to get married since all our money has gone to the house. We are currently in a lawsuit over the home with our realtor. Ever since things began sliding down hill he has checked out. I discuss this with him multiple times and he admitted he was depressed. I tried to help him through this and he just keeps checking out. We've done this dance for about 1 1/2 now. Sex is on and off but not by my choice and again all of these issues are out in the open and discussed. I have lost trust for him because of how he hasn't put into the relationship and recently have had a feeling that something just isn't right. He always stays up to 3 or 4am, does nothing around the house, makes excuses about not having sex and either just masturbating or nothing. I ask him what I can do, what problems are but he says he just feels worthless. Alarms went off for me though because the past week I have woken up in the middle of the night to him masturbating. He stops when he thinks I am awake. I have not yet confronted him about this because I wanted to check to see what is going on before I ask. So I downloaded monitoring software on the computer to see what is going on and discovered that he has an account for an adult social networking site AFF Adult Friend Finder. I do not have the login yet but I am working on that. From his searches I see that he is looking at females locally and goes on daily usually at night when I am alseep. I am just heartbroken and I in a way would rather find him looking up porn but he doens't it's just this site. I am going to download a different monitoring software to get his logins for the site and his email because I want to know exactly what he's doing before I confront him. Ever since I discovered this I have asked him questions such as if he still wants to marry me, if he would ever cheat, if he has issues etc. Of course all his answers are the right ones but far contradictary to what I'm finding. I don't know if I should wait any longer and gather more information before I confront him or just confront him now? It's really difficult because in Texas we are common law married and we own a home together and with the lawsuit would probably have the house for atleast 2 years. Messed up thing about what I found was that after he went on the AFF site he was looking at engagement rings. He is my first love (I am 24), I lost my virginity to him, he was my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. I can't imagine why he has done this. Should I confront him now or later, should I stay or go, how do I talk about this and get my questions answered, should we continue to live together during the lawauit if we break up? So many questions so please any advice is welcome.
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best friend, depressed, heartbroken, lost my virginity, money, moved in, porn, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (21 January 2010):
This is far worse than I thought. Yes, if you intend to break up with him then confront him with full evidence to really hit it home. He will probably beg and plead for forgiveness and lie that he wasnt looking at the tranny stuff for arousal but was just curious and he found it disgusting etc. I don't know if you will be strong enough to stand your ground. If you have decided to separate then one of you will have to move out... It will be very awkward staying with him after all this. If you share the house and sleep in different rooms for two whole years then there is a chance down the line that he might decide he wants to bring friend or dates over for the night which will be worse for you. So let him move. When you confront him he will probably say he never met anyone from AFF and that the porn was just curiousity. He will try and make it seem as though he is being punished for no reason. I wish you well and hope you get through this.
A
female
reader, littledebbicakes +, writes (21 January 2010):
littledebbicakes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply. Things have taken a horrible twist. I paid for good monitoring software and I am disgusted at what I have found. It's not just porn it's trans sexual and shemale. I apparently don't even know this person I was planning on marrying. I have absolutely no intentions of staying with him but now comes the question of how to approach this and if he should be allowed to stay in the house? This is so crazy to have to confront anyone about. I was thinking of printing all my evidence but should I start slowly and just ask about the masturbation or should I just come out with it? Please help, I don't have any support systems and he was the only person in my life and now I am completely lost! I am going to the obgyn for testing asap though cause who knows what he has been doing...
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (20 January 2010):
Wow, this is just horrible. Welldone for being smart in catching him. I would say get the passwords to the email first so that you know forever who he is communicating with. Don't EVER reveal how you got the information because he will change his passwords. I had my ex's email password for 3 years and knew his every move. To this day he never knew how I got him. Maybe you can lie one day to say he left the PC on by mistake and that's how you found that he was on AFF.
Now on the relationship... It sounds as though you have both gone through a lot of stress and he wants to find a sex only partner probably to let off steam and destress. However, that is unacceptable. When you confront him you have to bring things to almost breaking point so that he takes you seriously. Don't move just yet. Maybe a scare (that you might leave him) will be enough to make him come back to his senses. Remember you will have his email password so you will know what he is up to afterward. Make sure you remove the monitoring software after collecting the passwords just in case he figures it out, which is not hard to do. All the best.
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