A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Should I distance myself from my mom and younger sister? My mom is an alcoholic who has spoiled my sister since birth and basically let her do whatever she wants. She is 22 and has a 1 year old daughter who my Mom is basically raising while she runs the streets and doesn't come home some nights. My mom is stuck in a hot apartment with no food. My two sisters and I would give my Mom money but she would use it on alcohol. My sister gets food stamps and wic and I know she has at least 2k in the bank. She told me she was saving for a car so she doesn't want to touch it. My thing is she has this money but her and my mom always beg us for money and food. I feel bad so I give in often and so do my other sisters. My husband is furious about it and thinks I should cut them off because I can't simply say no. We have a baby on the way and both work so we qualify for no government assistance. We will have to pay for the labor and delivery, baby furniture and necessities as well as daycare and our own bills while I am on unpaid maternity leave. I have 20k in student loans I haven't even began payment on. My sister likes to use this as a weapon and say we are selfish to not spare money even $20 when we both have jobs. I am sick of being manipulated myself but will definitely feel guilty and like I am turning my back on them. I just don't want to keep getting played. Any advice?
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alcoholic, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your advice. I've told them no these past few times! Also I've distanced myself and they seem to get the point. The last time they asked I found out they had asked my sister for the very same thing and she had said yes so they were trying to double dip! Even more of a reason to cut them off!
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (6 August 2015):
I have been curious about your predicament so I came back to see if you got any other answers.... Tisha is right. I would actually start asking them for money since it has all been one sided so far and you clearly genuinely need YOUR money back. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 August 2015):
 I'd start asking them for money, or to pay back some of the money you've given them. Seriously. You are $20K in the hole, about to spend thousands more, and have ongoing bills.
Just smile, and say, "I was about to ask YOU for money! I guess times are tough all over. Well, we'll call it even."
I would really recommend that you start going to Al-Anon meetings, as they will help you figure out how to cope with your mother's alcoholism. You can find a meeting here: http://al-anon.org These meetings are for people who love an alcoholic. It does sound like your sister is one too?
Think of it this way, you are all in your individual little boats, tethered together. If one of your boats starts to sink, do you stay tethered or do you save yourself and the other people in the other boats by cutting the line?
Exactly. You have to cut the line at some point. The people at the Al-Anon meetings will know what you are going through and there will be those who have "been there, done that" and have great advice for you to come out on the other side, with your savings and your child and marriage intact.
You already know this is what is going to happen, so go find that valid validation!
Be strong.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (4 August 2015):
stop giving them money. You yourself dont have $2000 lying around to spare and she is clearly begging you for money so she can continue to save her own money. As for your mom, unless and until she decides to quit drinking then there isnt much you can do for her either. Im sorry that they both sound careless and irresponsible, but they will continue to take advantage of your kindness as long as they know you will bail them out.
Next time they call explain clearly why you are not giving any more money (just as you have outlined in your question). They both need to grow up and stop relying on you. Since your sister has time for outings, she surely has time for a job. Congratulations on your baby and I wish you the best with that and your finances
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