A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.. I need some advice and insight about my current situation. I've been with my bf for 5 year and he proposed and decide to marry this year. Problem is I don't like his living condition. I don't like our future living because there's crowded house to live in. There's many workers and his parents in his house. They live above their store. I feel uncomfortable around his house now. I can't think how can I spend the rest of my life there. I just want a privacy and more relax home. I've told him about this and he said he understand me but his mother wants to live with us. That's still okay but I hates to live with his workers. I know he work hard to gain more. money for our future and love me deeply. But sometimes I can think that he just doesn't trying enough to pursue his parent to have our own privacy. I know he feels obligated to take care for his parent. His parent love me so much that's I'm definitely sure and my friend told me to talk to his mom about wanting to live our own. I just don't know that's good idea or it will backfire me. I just so tired and desperate to discuss about this with my bf because he thinks that I can't accept him as he is and I nag a lot. I just want his mom to reconsider her decision and understand my needs. Btw his 2 married sisters also Doesn't live with their inlaws. They both live in their parents unoccupied house after marry. So I thought his mom will be more easy to understand my situation? They have money to buy another new home but they are not motivated to do so because they're used to live there. What should I do? A friend of mine told me to dicuss it with his mom. I don't know its a good idea or will Backfire me and make the sitaution worse? I don't want to regret all the rest of my life. So I need to fight for what I really want.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 January 2015):
 Find a small flat near his parents' home and show him that it's affordable. Show him that you have another option that is possible and let him know how wonderful you'd be to his parents, that you'd visit every day.
Are you working, by the way?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 January 2015):
I think I would tell him that I would not feel comfortable having sex with him with so many people so close by in the house, that you would feel inhibited and would only want to have sex when there is no one in the house. That having sex with his parents in the next room would be awkward and uncomfortable and you could never relax and enjoy it or do anything but grit your teeth and bear it.
That might get his attention.
If you've been with him for 5 years and have a wish to have your own home why is that that annoying or needy?
What is your culture that everyone lives in the same house?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): You made several different points you should consider. You get along well with his parents and they think highly of you. It sounds like you shy away from speaking your mind, but when you get angry enough all you do is complain.
You share the same culture, and you understand the circumstances and the family-structure. I can't see why living with your in-laws would be such a problem. I do see there being a problem living in the same building as your employees. You'd have very little privacy. Everyone wants their own space, and to have plenty of room to move about without running into your neighbors.
You've been with your boyfriend for many years, why can't you talk things out with him? Have there been times that you've been spoiled or unreasonable? That will usually close all openings to discussions. If you complain a lot; he will only assume every conversation will lead to an argument or a list of complaints. That will cause anyone, including yourself, to to avoid discussion you think will lead to a big disagreement. You did say he plans to buy a house someday. He doesn't have enough money to do that right-away. If you're being unreasonable, then that's your problem. The only remedy is to find someone you know how to talk to.
Before you marry, learn to make decisions together. Learn how to talk to your fiance and make plans you can agree on together. Stop saying you love him and using that as an excuse to put up with his stone-walling you. If he is an unreasonable man, he will make a terrible husband. He will treat you like a servant, not a wife. If you don't know how to open-up and tell him straight-out that you don't want to live with his parents; then don't marry him.
Sorry, I can't tell you what to say and how to speak to your boyfriend. He was your choice. If you love someone who doesn't listen to you, that is a problem you have to learn to deal with. I can only advise you not to marry him, if you absolutely don't think you would be happy with what he will offer you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much wiseowle for your understanding. I guess you can vision and read all the situation exactly right. We are both chinese and its our tradition to live with the youngest son. He is the only son and the youngest child.
We discuss about this from half year ago and results in break up. I break up with him half year ago. Before break up he told me to give him 3 years to gain his own money and he would buy our own house. After we get back he told me to accept him with his condittions, which I feel its harder to discuss about this again now. Everytime we discuss about this he ask me why I can't accept him with his current condition or, why is it everytime we are fine, I try to talk the things that make us uncomfortble. He's so excited about our marriage and he loves me a lot and told everybody about the engagement but I just don't get why he only wants me to accept him.
I'm so devastated now to discuss about this with him. He keep asking when I want to marry and ask me what bedroom design that I like. I'm still not yet give him the design because its in his current bedroom which I don't want. You said I should approach him and discuss this with him, I know that's so true but I just don't know how to approach him and talk about this with him anymore. Maybe my way of starting to discuss things with him is wrong. Could you please give me some example and idea how to start the conversation and pursue him without aounding needy and annoying?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much wiseowle for your understanding. I guess you can vision and read all the situation exactly right. We are both chinese and its our tradition to live with the youngest son. He is the only son and the youngest child.
We discuss about this from half year ago and results in break up. I break up with him half year ago. Before break up he told me to give him 3 years to gain his own money and he would buy our own house. After we get back he told me to accept him with his condittions, which I feel its harder to discuss about this again now. Everytime we discuss about this he ask me why I can't accept him with his current condition or, why is it everytime we are fine, I try to talk the things that make us uncomfortble. He's so excited about our marriage and he loves me a lot and told everybody about the engagement but I just don't get why he only wants me to accept him.
I'm so devastated now to discuss about this with him. He keep asking when I want to marry and ask me what bedroom design that I like. I'm still not yet give him the design because its in his current bedroom which I don't want. You said I should approach him and discuss this with him, I know that's so true but I just don't know how to approach him and talk about this with him anymore. Maybe my way of starting to discuss things with him is wrong. Could you please give me some example and idea how to start the conversation and pursue him without aounding needy and annoying?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): Your fiance is the one you should talk to first, since he is the one who will be making life-decisions and plans with you.
It is not a good idea to approach his mother/parents about your future living arrangements without him there to back you up. You first have to convince your fiance that it would be best for you both to have your own place.
If you can't convince him, it's useless to discuss it with his mother; because she'll just go to him and make you look bad.
I sense English to be your second-language? I note some small errors in your grammar. If you and your fiance are of different cultures, you have to understand that it may be traditional for his culture to have several generations living either all in one house, if not next-door to each other. Sometimes you can find whole neighborhoods comprised of relatives, in-laws, and extended family. So if it isn't a cultural or ethnic-tradition, there may be room for more flexibility.
One of my closest friends and colleagues owns a fairly large home. He is Chinese. His grand-parents live with him, his wife, and son. They have built-in daycare. His parents live on the next block. His grand-parents gave them the down payment for the home. So he didn't give it a second-thought that they share the basement; which has been extravagantly redone for their comfort. Of course they have full-run of the house; but they are rarely seen. They are lovely people and their son adores them.
If his parents are aging, and they all own a family-business together, it might be difficult to separate them.
They live together, work together; and share the profits of their family-business. If that is how their family is structured, you and no one can change it. He feels obligated to care for his parents as they age; because they've taken care of him all of their lives, and he may stand to inherit their family-business.
I would delay wedding plans until you know what the living arrangements will be; and if he will be willing to compromise about where you live. Don't let him or his family bully you into living in a situation where you know you will not be happy.
He has to man-up and learn that when a man takes a wife, she comes first in his life; and as his spouse, he should always be willing to compromise for the sake of a happy marriage. He is no longer a boy. He will need room for when you begin your own family. If there is no equality in the marriage, it is not likely it will last.
If their workers live in the same building, that can be very intrusive. Much too close for comfort. They know when you argue and all your personal business. For me, that would be totally creepy. Seeing them all day at work, and at all hours afterword. I shutter at the thought. If the building is crowded and not well maintained. It would be almost slum-like. I could understand how a young bride might feel. However; my parents lived with my grandparents until they purchased their first home. So he may be doing it for financial reasons. He may want to save enough for a really nice house. Maybe he just hasn't told his parents his true plans.
It may only be his mother who thinks she should live with you wherever you go, and he hasn't had the heart to tell her otherwise. You need to make sure of this, before you hurt his parent's feelings. Maybe he never intended to do it anyway. That's why you both need to address this together.
Instead of going to his mother, you need to work this out with your fiance. If he refuses to compromise, then you should reconsider marrying this man. You should not have to live in a situation that you're not happy. You should also have equal say in where you live, and with whom you live.
If he agrees with you, and he is willing to compromise; you should both go to his parents and let them know you plan to buy your own home. They most likely will respect your wishes, if they know you both decided this as a couple. If they have too much influence over your fiance's decisions; it is best not to marry him. You will always be out-voted in almost everything, and will have no voice in your own home. I strongly suggest that you seriously consider this.
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