A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Not sure what I should do here. The quick synopsis is I met a girl where I worked years ago, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, I asked her out and we hung out a bunch. I asked her out and she said she wasn’t really ready and wanted to be friends. ( I’m used to this being a polite way of saying no) She later came out as lesbian so I left her be. However, she still wanted to be friends and would actively try to contact and hang out with me. I explained to her I had feelings for her more than just friends and wanted to deal with that. However, she still wanted to be friends and kept seeking me out to hang out, watch movies, and talk. One major thing though is she is awful about responding to messages or texts, I usually don’t mind, but have begged her to please be more aware of that. I go out of my way to be there for people on a timely manner, it really annoys me when people don’t respond or get back to me for days or weeks.So what caused everything, I really needed help with a girl I liked. It was a delicate situation and I just needed someone to talk to. It was time sensitive I messaged her along with a few other friends. NO ONE GOT BACK TO ME. I didn’t hear from her for another week and a half, just said her phone didnt notify her. The situation went poorly and the girl I needed advice on just blew me off (I asked her out and she didn’t respond) I was so pissed! Not so much about the crush, but that I’m always there for everyone and everyone expects stuff from me and when I had one girl problem, no one was there. She apologized and wanted to hang out but I just said I was busy. I think she messaged me again, to hang out but I just said I was busy again. The last time I saw her she came to my store, but I just went to lunch and wished her a good dayI’m not sure what I should do, I haven’t talked to her in like a month and but every time I even think about her I just get mad about everything and everyone. Should I just completely cut ties finally? Or what should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2022): Here's a few tips about people. Sometimes they just want a companion they can hangout and have a good-time with. Not everyone is good at giving advice, offering you a compassionate ear, or being a shoulder to cry on. Nowadays, it's cool to be apathetic, self-centered, and aloft. Just be around when it's time to party!
Women stereotype us menfolk to be strong and stoic; it's confusing when you come-on all sappy, sensitive, or emotional. Your fair-weather friend needs you when she wants to enjoy male-companionship; apart from always hanging in gay-circles. Yes, gay-people enjoy the company of straight-people! That is, as long as there is no unnecessary focus on their sexual-orientation; and they are seen for who they are, and not whom they choose to sleep with.
If you're the kind of guy who likes to do favors, pick-up the tab, have handyman skills, and chauffer people around; you'll recruit a bunch of fake-friends who'll simply find you useful, and/or a good stand-in when others they know simply can't be bothered with them. You forget, she is a lesbian; and she is aware that you kind of fancied her, so she is social-distancing to keep things in proper perspective. She ain't your make-believe girlfriend.
As you may now gather, she's not good at being a reliable friend; possibly because she is selfish, and the kind that lives by the motto "don't call me, I'll call you!" You have an allotted time and schedule; and she'll get to you when she makes her rounds. Catch my drift?!!
Don't obligate people to be there for you; because a real friend does this without being pushed and prodded. It comes naturally. As you become closer as friends, it's instinctive and second-nature to stick by you. To rush to your side to offer comfort, when you need them the most. You may be good at it, but consider how modern-society leans. People need you when they need you, and want you to be available when they do. Don't expect that in return. If you give from the heart, it's not quid pro quo!
Now you know she's not reliable and has bad-manners. You don't get upset when your guy-friends do it; don't presume all females are needy and dependent. Some ladies are just as detached and aloft as the stereotypical-male. Not everyone responds to messages or texts promptly; especially those who are "popular." The kind of people who get them piling-in by the minute. Some messages get forgotten, or you are at the bottom of their list of priorities. You're not a hot female, you're a straight-dude!
I'd dump her as a friend, and block all further contact. For me, friendship is reliability, closeness, empathy, trustworthiness, and love. I won't settle for anything less; because that's everything I give to someone I consider a friend. If you want good-friends, don't lend them money, kiss their butts, and go overboard with kindness. Give, but also expect reciprocity. Don't expect kindness or attention on-demand. That's being high-maintenance and spoiled. It goes both ways.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2022): Why can you not figure out these simple things for yourself? You are not a child. Women won't want to go out with you if you are confused, timid and indecisive, like a baby. They want a decisive person who has confidence. Being there for others means nothing - you could be doing this because you have no life and are lonely and nobody else to spend time with or for ego, and it does not mean they get anything from it. You can hardly claim to be giving people good advice when you are clueless about such simple things in your own life.I used to get people come to me for advice all of the time and got sick of it. It was time consuming and all one way.None of them would have been any good at advising me because they were clueless about their own things and life in general.You have to be a success before anyone wants your advice.If you cant get a girlfriend or cant make her happy nobody will want your relationship advice.And I think you are far too quick to want to be friends with people - almost as if desperate - without asking yourself if it is a good way to spend your time or if you have enough in common with them. If they have lots of friends then of course they are busier than you. The same applies to if they work longer hours than you or have other commitments or family they see a lot. You must find friendless lonely people if you want them to text you back quick or be there for you when you snap your fingers. And then you should ask yourself how come they are friendless.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2022):
 While I get that it's LOVELY to have people to "get dating tips from" in "real time", YOU are an adult, in your 30's, you got to TRY and figure this out yourself. Because the END result is something YOU have to handle, the relationship or rejection is ALSO something YOU have to work out and handle.
You make it sound like IF this lesbian friend had texted you back in time the girl you were crushing on wouldn't have rejected you. That isn't realistic OP.
MAYBE - she isn't big on texting, she would RATHER spend time in PERSON with friends (which makes sense to me).
OR
She CAN'T be ASSED to text you isn't your friend or really interested in a MUTUALLY benefitting friendship. As in, you be there for her, and she will be there for you. You are more of an accessory to her. Someone to "hang out with" when she has nothing "better" going on.
I can't tell you which.
But you CAN NOT put all the blame on her, when she ACTUALLY tried to BE there for you in person - but YOU said you were busy. How is that her fault?
You weren't being a good friend either.
I don't even see why you are so mad at her. Looks like you are MAD at yourself. And mad that you expected people to JUMP when asked for dating advice. Maybe they didn't have any to give?
If you don't want to talk to her anymore then don't, just block her. But don't make this ALL her fault.
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