A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you get over someone? So I’m not even allowed to be sad as we were never official but for past 4yrs I’ve been sleeping with this guy (yes judge me) I was lonely and it became a regular thing dinner and drinks staying over one or two times a week. We talk every day all day however I then started wanting commitment and it all went wrong. We’d argue a lot anyway now he’s dating someone so obviously ended whatever it was witn me which was nothing. It hurts though a lot. I don’t want to get out of bed. She’s way prettier than me she’s always happy and never has a bad day. I feel used and worthless. He won’t even talk to me anymore which I don’t blame him. I should be happy for him. I am but it doesn’t stop it hurting. I really liked him. And things used to be great and I miss him. How do you just do normal things when you hurt? I mean I’ve been in a 10yr relationship and that ended but i ended that and it felt right thing and I was ok after that yet now a 4yr casual thing and I’m a mess. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2022): I wrote this years ago when I first came to Dear Cupid. I had just been blind-sided and dumped. The guy just decided he wanted to move on. It wasn't the result of a problem between us. Perhaps he'd met someone, but that wasn't his explanation. You really don't have a choice; but to get over the person and move on.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 September 2022):
 Of course you are "allowed" to be sad. We are ALL allowed to be sad, regardless of the reason. What is NOT allowed is to STAY sad. Sad is a temporary break, while you gather your strength and are once again ready to face the world.
Unrequited love is often the most difficult to get over. Why? Because it never has to grow old or change. Your previous relationship ran its course and you ended it. This one never really got off the starting blocks, so you still view it as something which could have been wonderful but you never had the chance to live it.
My advice on the way forward would be to try to avoid this guy as much as possible. Block all contact with him and try to avoid being in his presence.
And by the way, NOBODY never has a bad day. NOBODY'S life is one big happy smile. As for "pretty", that is skin deep and in the eye of the beholder.
You are worth more than the crumbs this guy was offering you. Once you start believing that, you will be ready to shake off what happened and go forward with a more positive attitude about yourself. Next time don't settle for less than you actually want.
Head up, deep breath. Turn the page and start a new chapter. You can do this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2022): He didn't want you. And that made all the differnce. It's one thing to do the leaving and a whole other thing thing to be left. What's worse he's capable of having a relationship with someone. Here's how to move on:See things for what they REALLY are. No rose tinted glasses. I have no idea what kind of a man he is. But one thing's for sure - he wasn't in love with you. He has right not to be. When yo see things for what they really are, you cannot continue to be in love with someone who doesn't want you. Unless you believe that your worth is directly connected to this person loving you. If that's the case, that you have a serious problem with self-confidence and until your address it, you won't be able to move on.Find something you like to do. Volunteer. Help others. Stop focusing on yourself. Self-pitty isn't helping.Find hope that you'll meet someone better, just for you, you just have to recognize him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2022): He wanted casual, you did not. You put up with pretending you wanted this for four years. You need to become a lot sharper and decisive and honest with yourself before you start something with someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 September 2022):
 Only 3 things will help you here.
Time & distance & reflection.
It wasn't a casual thing TO YOU. It lasted 4 years, that isn't CASUAL! So yeah it's not that strange you caught feelings, OP Nor was it wrong to WANT more from him.
However, HE NEVER wanted to invest in anything other than casual with you. You are just a companion and bedwarmer until he could find someone he DID want to invest in and commit to.
Doesn't mean you AREN'T worthy of a serious relationship. But it does mean that you NEED to stop selling yourself short.
"we were never official but for past 4yrs I’ve been sleeping with this guy (yes judge me)"
- I don't "judge you" for sleeping with someone but I do think you are the one who HURT you, the most. By PICKING someone out of loneliness and settling for something casual.
You could have met MANY good fellas in those 4 years you WASTED on this "casual" thing - who would have WANTED to call you his GF, wanted to BE with you, GET to know you, and build a future with you.
You aren't "used and worthless". If that is how you see it, you USED him to. To not feel lonely and to NOT go out on a limb a LOT sooner and ask if this is going anywhere - you wasted 4 years as much as HE did.
Plus your worth isn't equal to whether some dude WANTS to BE with you long term.
Take some time and reflect.
Figure out your own boundaries, your wants and needs, and what YOU have to offer someone. And then, DO NOT settle for something you don't want - AKA a casual sexual partner.
I think the reason you are NOT Ok is that you feel rejected. He wanted your body and company but not YOU. You got replaced the moment YOU asked for more than you got from him.
The fact that she is "prettier" and "happier" than you is moot. She seems happier on the outside because SHE is in a NEW relationship - she gets butterflies when she spends time with him, it's exciting. YOU know HOW it goes. The thing is, SHE didn't SETTLE for being a FWB, she GOT commitment because her STANDARD was higher than yours. So maybe instead of feeling jealous of her - take a page out of her book and don't settle for a guy who doesn't WANT to date you but wants you to do ALL the things a GF does.
Lastly, rejection stings. But they are also useful as once you get a rejection you move on.
I would suggest WHEN you start dating (and no don't jump into dating until you have gotten some distance from this flop of a situation) that WHEN you start dating don't JUMP into to bed right away. TAKe your time to suss out if HE is someone you can see yourself with long term and yes that might take 5-6 months. If he doesn't WANT to wait and just get to know YOU without the sex, then you know he isn't for you.
It feels like a lot right now but give it some time and you will realize that this guy was not that great of a pick. Not a good match for you OVERALL.
Lastly, BLOCK, DELETE his number - STOP looking at his socials and block him from YOUR social. Don't "stalk" his new GF either. It will not help you heal.
And remember people post a lot of stuff online but they keep posting only the happy stuff, not all the trash they deal with.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find your OWN worth. It is NOT determined by this dude - it is determined by YOU, your qualities, your personality, your effort, and your heart and mind.
YOU are not the "sum" of how many men want to sleep with you or find you pretty.
Chin up, honey.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 September 2022):
 I know it does not feel like it now but time is the healer of all things and you will get over this.
You wanted commitment, which is understandable, but he backed off. This just says he was not the person for you. Although it does not feel like it now soon the feeling for him will dissipate and things will begin to get easier.
All things happen for a reason, and something more meaningful and better is waiting for you.
You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on. Delete him from everything, and get rid of anything that reminds you of him, and move on with your life. Hold your head up high, take a deep breath, and smile, maybe you had a lucky escape.
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