A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 years. We now live together and I’m absolutely so fed up of my partner’s ex and adult children. He’s a little bit older than me and his children are adults. Since the dawn of our relationship I’ve been excluded and left out of family functions. The big one being his mother’s wedding, a family party and his daughter’s wedding- which we financed a lot of money into. Quite often my partner’s mother will have occasions such as a meal…etc and the ex wife is invited but not me. The children often ask their father to go out for a meal in their birthdays and the ex is there, of course and my partner attends but not me. I’m constantly feeling like an outsider with my little boy. Maybe I’m wrong but it doesn’t seem quite right here. I have asked for boundaries and respect but have been met with ridicule. I can get over it under it. I asked What happens when grandchildren turn up and it’s Christmas- well he will be spending it there and I can either stay or come. The best I get out of this is stay or go- your problem but I’m doing x,y, z anyway. I feel very tempted to just abandon this relationship because people show you what the prefer by their actions. Am I wrong to believe we are a family and his children are part of that and to be included not us on the sun bench. I was screamed at and told I was ridiculous because I suggested we take his children out in their birthday as a family and keep the ex at home. I was told I am stupid and selfish because it’s their birthday and they get to decided not me and that I am totally selfish. I really feel the point was missed and out of everything i appreciate a birthday is something where the child might wish both parents to be there together. When I say child I am taking mid 20s. My partner is 53 and I am 39 and ex wife is 59. I feel very confused because I would like not to have a third wheel constantly in my relationship or feel an outcast. I would like it where it’s our family and I have peace and security and his children are part of that in that order. Apart from the major life things, the ex wife needn’t be there. Am I wrong in this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2023): You don't sound 39 you sound 9. Grow up and stop being such a baby. You knew the score at the start. You suck it up or end it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2023): You accepted this : "Since the dawn of our relationship I’ve been excluded and left out of family functions."You shuoldn't have.Your partner is probably projecting "take it or leave it", and you took it.You don't need anybody to tell you that this behavior is not ok. You need to KNOW why you agreed to it. Nobody can tell you that. You are the only one who knows why.His poeple treat you the way he lets them and you let him act that way. If you are financially dependant on him, maybe he thinks he is paying for you. If that's the case, you need to become independant and be able to leave.If you are much younger than him and he left his wife for you, you will never get the respect and affection of his children.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2023): "Am I wrong to believe we are a family and his children are part of that and to be included. . ."
If you are not married or you have not adopted his children then you are not a family, you are legal strangers shacking up together.
You knew the dynamics from the start yet you chose to continue, apparently in the mistaken belief that you could magically "change" him.
He's told you exactly where you stand "since the dawn of [y]our relationship." Not his fault you haven't listened for nine years.
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