A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am very recently married to a man who has a number of children by different women. These children and their mothers cause constant friction and trouble between us, there is always some drama and he is constantly called away to hospitals, police stations etc etc. Yes i should have realisd what it would be like before I married him. I come from a very quiet background with one teenage son. Before we were married I would constantly ask my then fiance if we could have a child together as it was very important to me and he would always say no saying he couldn't cope with any more, he is too old, numerous reasons but basically the one being he doesn't want anymore. Well I thought when we got married things would change but now all I see is I am constantly involved with his children and their problems and I am getting nothing in return ie/ my own baby with him. I have talked to him at length about this but he will not budge. I am so hurt and resentful about this because to my nind it nakes me feel that i am not as good or important as the women he would have children with. I can now no longer bear to have anything to do with his children. I have started making sure I am not present when they come round, am always working, out, anything so as I spend no time at all with them. Currently I am working on a house project miles away and have started making excuses re painting and stuff to sleep there so i don't have to go home. We have not now spoken for 10 days. I cannot see this situation improving only me becoming more bitter, twisted and resentful and feel that I should ask them to leave - it is my house and go down the divorce route. My husband is furious that I will not have anything to do with his children and that apparently I am being controlling and manipulative. My qusestion is do you think there is any chance that this may work out or should I cut my losses early and run like the wind.
View related questions:
divorce, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both very much for your responses. I think in reality I am very disappointed in myself and my poor choice. I am reasonably successful in business and don't really want for anything but boy have I made a poor choice here. I am selfish and very hard by nature and used to getting my own way especially in matters of negotiation or business - as you can see I am not too hot on matters of the heart!. I know myself that I shouldn't have entered in to this so am annoyed with myself. I did genuinely think that with a bit of gentle persuasion I could get him to change his mind but clearly that is not to be. He does put 100% effort into his children and is always there for them and it is very commendable but it is as if he is on constant callout and it really gets on my nerves. He is very good with me too but it is not enough for someone with my character traits and I cannot see me coping with this for much longer. Anyway, thank you very much again for bothering to reply and to think about my problem.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 October 2009):
 Im sorry but I am going to give you tough talk here.
You entered into marriage knowing this man had a number of children and that there were problems, you also married him knowing he did not want any more children and now, because he won't change and do what you want, you are now living with regret. I am sorry but what else did you expect??
The problems he had, he will most likely always have. If he is a responsible father then he is going to be there for his kids despite what you want or say and reasonably he shouldn't have to change on that front. If he is having worries with the kids then he is very sensible to not want to bring another child into the world. You knew this before and you know it now!!!
Now it's you that is behaving selfishly, causing distress and acting like a child...I wouldn't wonder that he doesn't ditch you to be honest. You made your bed my dear and now you have to lie in it and as they say...
If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen.
Aunty Em x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): i say cut your losses, you are not happy and i cannot see the changes you want to happen happening. you want a child he doesnt, you do not like the constant drama, and i do not blame you. Its your life, if you are not happy make the change.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Upon reading this post, let me first start off by saying that I am so sorry for your troubles. It must be very difficult for you having to deal with all the "baby mama drama". Having said that, lets get down to the problem here. No offense, but I'm quite sure all of this didn't start yesterday. You knew what you would be dealing with and yet you got married anyway. Things don't change because you get married. The only thing that changes is your last name. As far as having a baby with this man, PLEASE DON'T! That is not going to solve anything. Considering that you are thinking about leaving, you also will be just another baby mama. Is that correct about your age? If you are over 40, do you really want to start over? In essence, your husband is right. You have to accept his children, its a packaged deal. If you feel that your marriage can be salvaged, then I would suggest some serious marriage counseling. If things don't work out, find a man with a lot less baggage. Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Your wanting a child and his supposedly unbearable children are not the same thing. It could be that he is reacting to the constant trouble but your linking the two is not going to be helpful.
You are so full of anger that there is very little clarity - "a number of chilren", "different women", 'always' and 'consantly' called to "police stations and hospitals"...
It is very unlikely that it was so bad and you did notice it before marriage. Maybe he's going through a bad patch.
If he wants his children to be a part of his and your life you'll need to extend reasonable support. Be civil about it. And, in between hospital and police station if he does not want to sign up for nappy duty, it's a reasonable reaction.
You have not mentioned how recently you have married him. You both already have children.
Why not wait for a while? Let things cool down. I don't think he's reacting to you as an unsuitable person to have children with.
Is there any other reason why you would feel this way? Break down your problem into bite size bits so you can deal with it :)
...............................
|
