A
male
age
41-50,
*lba
writes:Had a girl come after me about 18 months ago, barmaid in my local. She was frustrating from the off with her behviour whilst I was trying to figure out if we were going to get together, a female mutual friend tried to set us up with the old my friend like you routine. In the end we didn't get together, we did become very close friends. Even through a relationship she had we managed to stay close mates, we would always open up to each other, trusted each other more than anybody, it was great, but as I got to know her I fell for her in a big way. A few months back we became really close, I thought we may get together. They way she spoke to me just changed, I could tell by the way she said things and the things she was saying that there was something more there. Just prior to this I had the chance to move back to the states, she cried and said she didn't want me to go.We went out a few times just me and her, not on dates, we had really good times and she would say things like "I can see why my mom things I should get with you". There was talk about us doing things together, going out with her and her nipper, going on holiday together etc. They didn't materialise. All the signs were there. She even admited to the mutual friend who introduced us that she had started to get feelings for me. But I'm still entrenched firmly in the friend zone.Well I'm crazy about her still, I don't want to be. Its held me back from gettin too involved in another couple of relationships i've had. I went out for a drink last night with her and our friend. I wanted it to be a last night out together as I planned on cutting contact so that I could get over her and move on.When I went I told her to say goodbye, I think she just thought it was for the night. She wouldn't let me go, she could see I was sad and a bit upset and she kept hugging me and asking me what was wrong. I so didn't want to leave her, I just wanted to carry on hugging her, but I had to go, she said I had to speak to her today and tell her what was up.I spoke to her online this morning and told her, she didn't say a great deal but she has never been one for the big conversations and she is the first person to admit that. She said she doesn't want me to stop coming out etc, but I said I don't want her to feel uncomfortable at work, and that if I keep seeing her and spending time with her I'm not going to get over her. She said she would still always be there. She had to go but she said she would be online again tonight.Am I doing the right thing? Should I chat about things a little more tonight or stick to my convictions and not talk to her again? I'm not trying to get a reaction out of her or guilt her into anything, i'm really just trying to do the best thing for both of us. It's even more difficult because I feel like im losing one of my best mates too, but I can't go on feeling like this, its been getting me down. Thing is cutting contact with her and losing her as a friend is also going to get me down, I feel so sad today, I almost wish I had never met her.I spoke to her briefly tonight and got alot of things about how ive felt about her off my chest. I told her to promise me she will look after herself etc, she said "aren't you even going to speak to me then?"I replied of course I want to, but its hard, and maybe I just need time. I said I had some great times with her and hoped that one day again we would. She said "dont be daft, of course we will", she said she would still be there for me, and that she isn't going anywhere yet.Thanks in advance for any advice. I'm really not looking forward to the next few weeks. I so just want to be over her so we can be friends.
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 What is the reason she wont get with you in "that way". It does sound like she wants you around but I agree with you that you want more, she now knows this and you said your feelings for her were preventing you from getting with someone else. I think if you continue to see her your feelings for her will only grow.
I do think taking a break from seeing her is a good idea. Take some time out for yourself. Figure out what you are looking for and then go out and find it. I guess I'd like to understand why she is holding back when it clearly seems like the two of you get along.
In the end, you may or may not be able to be friends with her again, at least not in the way you were friends before. But I do see some ex's every now and again and it's pleasant and neither of us tries to go back to what we had but...it's what we both want.
Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): If you are such good friends and you love her, why aren't you two boyfriend & girlfriend? Does she not want it to go that way? If she is holding back the relationship from going forward, then cut contact with her and get on with your life.
Staying in contact with her will stop your heart from healing and becoming open to a new relationship. You need to go through the grieving process in order to heal and be truly open again.
You can contact her again in the far future when memories of her don't have any emotion attached to them. Staying in contact will give your heart hope for a future with her. It will enforce the neuropathic bonds associated with her. Time will break the bonds and heal your heart.
Good luck, I hope you heal quickly and find your true love.
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