A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ive been seeing this guy for about 3/ 4 months now and I wanted to know what we were, just to make things clear for us both, and his reply was that he doesnt really know.He likes spending time with me but not sure if he sees a future with me. i asked him if it was anything to do with the fact we havent had sex and that i am a virgin, he said he doesnt think so, although he is aware of it but doesn't want us to have sex until we are both ready but atm hes not sure where it is going, just having fun.i really dont know what to make of this because i asked hoping that we would be an official couple but now hes said this im not sure what to think or feel he had made an inappropriate comment about my brother having done more with a lad than i have which made me ask what he thought we were and i was disgusted by this comment as i thought he respected me.please help i dont know what to do should we carry on as we are and see how things go or do i cool it off? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Sounds a bit like he basically wants sex from you if he started saying your inexperience is a disadvantage to him... Doesn't it? Obviously you and him do not want the same things, or you must take a risk at voicing what you want or lose him. Tell him "here's the deal, you are either in or out. I think 4 months is long enough time to make up your mind, and if you can't make up your mind yet then you are moving too slow for me and I will need to move on to find someone more compatible".
Why are you so dead set to be with this luke-warm man anyway? How is he so great that you want him? It's almost as if it is a given that the girl always wants commitment, just for the sake of it, rather than think about who it is she commits to. Demand the right man to commit to, don't demand commitment from just about any man. And in this case it sounds more like you want commitment, you don't want the man himself. You just want to belong to someone. If so then he isn't the one for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): It's kind of obvious OP, he has told you everything you need to know you're just not seeing it.
Here's what's happening.
"but not sure if he sees a future with me" - this means he DOES NOT see a future with you. That's exactly what it means and don't let anyone tell you differently. 3/4 months and he hasn't made it official OP, you're just a bit of fun to him. If he did see a future with you there'd be no doubt, would there?
"he said he doesnt think so" - This is a bullshit line. OP he either knows or he doesn't, "think so" means it is about the no sex thing. If it wasn't, it would be a simple thing to say "no, it's definitely not about the sex." OP if there's one thing you will have to learn about us guys it's this; everything we say to girls is designed to have an impact or an effect, and is designed to protect our asses so we can keep you hanging on and keep our options open. You see we will deflect serious questions because we know concrete answers if wrong will stop us from getting what we want from girls. So we say things like "I'm not sure" "I'm don't know" "maybe" and keep you guessing, keep that light of hope burning in your heart while we continue to use you without committing to you.
Him saying he doesn't think so is designed so that he doesn't have to tell you straight up "yes, it's about the sex" but he also has his ass covered should you ever say to him "I thought you said it wasn't about the sex" he can just turn around and say he never said that.
"atm hes not sure where it is going, just having fun." See? He's told you that all you are to him is a bit of fun. He does know where this is going and it's going nowhere. So he's either hanging around until you give him sex then he can walk away or maybe he's just waiting for another girl.
"about my brother having done more with a lad" If it wasn't about the sex, then why did he say that? You know that wasn't joke, you know that was just a real feeling disguised as a joke right?
He's simply just not that into you OP. If he really liked you he have no doubts in his mind at all. He would gladly be your boyfriend, he would have no doubt of wanting a future with you and he wouldn't spend all his time trying to deflect your questions and not give you a definitive answer.
You're a fun piece of ass to him and that's it.
In my opinion I think you should walk away, you deserve a guy that has no doubts about how he feels for you. A guy who won't beat around the bush and one who after 3/4 months would not still be unsure.
It's not that complicated with us guys. Only a yes is a yes. Everything else is a no. "Do you see a future with us?" "Yes" that's the only positive answer. "I don't know" "I'm not ready" "let's not talk about this now" "I really like you/love you but I don't want a relationship with anyone" these are all no's but designed to keep you hanging around in hope.
You have no chance of any kind of future with this guy so I say you sit him down and tell him to make his mind up now, it's either yes or no and anything but a yes you will consider a no, don't let him talk his way out of that and for god's sake whatever you do don't have sex with him. The amount of girls I know that thought sex would make a guy love them only to be used and thrown away is ridiculous and something you really don't want to know how bad that feels.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Why does it have to go anywhere? You are still young to NOT have to be overly focused on a long term dating relationship anways. You should be learning about yourself and how you interact with others to better assess whom you work best with. The purpose of dating is to know what you like, want, and who compliments your nature so when you are prepared for marriage; you have a general idea of whom to choose. Thus is what casual dating that doesn't go anywhere because you are not set for marriage.SEX should NOT be involved when dating.Sex can distort ones perspective in that its designed to form a deeper, emotoinal, physical, mental bond with someone we love and trust. How many teens and adults on this site have major issues because they engaged in sex with someone that was not a dateworthy let alone love worthy individual?You leave the sex out and you have no bond to intefere with making a good, healthy, judgement call on who is deserving of your time and energy.Time to break it off with this Guy. He's young and is NOT ready for anything long term either.
...............................
A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Find someone else who actually likes you and can see a future. Guys are not as complicated as we wish they were. Not to be clichè but "He's just not that into you", ( ---great movie by the way, you should watch it). That is a shame he said that comment about your brother too, that is not very nice (another clue that he doesn't really like you in that way).
I know its tough, but if I were you I would forget about him, and move on. He has made it pretty clear that at this point, he isn't interested. You shouldn't waste too much time hoping that he will "miss you", because while he might, he also might not. Usually after seeing someone for a few months, you can safely know your own feelings. He has made his clear.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Cool it off a little bit, give him time to miss you. If he asks you to come over, instead of jumping at the chance, tell him things like 'I would, but i'm tired, think i'm just going to get some rest' or 'Sorry, i'm having a girly night in with friends'
He'll soon realise how much he misses you.
If it doesn't pan out that way, at least you can spend time with friends and family.
...............................
|
